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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been seeing a guy for several months now, and we have come to really care about each other a great deal. We are almost inseparable. We have spent weeks at a time together, and still missed each other when parting ways. There has only been one real problem:He is sexually experienced - and I am still a virgin by choice. Apart from spiritual reasons, I really do not feel ready, either for the act itself, nor for dealing with the consequences of potential scares that I really cannot afford to have, or the side effects of taking any type of birth control. I get migraines, and have been advised from more than one doctor to stay away from "The Pill". That in mind, he has not pressured me, but I can tell he is frustrated. Frustrated to the point that he is trying not to take it personally. And.. I really do not know what to do. I have never been in this situation before. Is there a happy compromise in this case...?
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female
reader, notjstme  +, writes (14 February 2012):
I think the issue is intimidation that he is experienced and you are not? Your body will help you know what feels right and you will be fine. Do not stress, because that will not help. Am I right? You feel insecure which is adding to the delay of sex? You can find loads of articles and reading material to answer your questions about contraception. You can discuss the concerns of disease. If this is to become a relationship to ask this man to get tested. That is the matter of blood tests which come back quickly. Aids of course can show up many months after a last sex experience and this man should be willing to wear a condom to put your mind at ease. You can see your gyno to get protection for yourself PRIVATELY and not discussed with this man if you so wish--so you are ready to have sex with him (or someone new) when you are ready. I understand that the longer you have waited for sex the more difficult it becomes to start. To take the pressure off do not give this man a first time trophy. That is your experience and yours alone no matter what. If you want to make the condom experience sexier--you can put that on him. Practice on a banana and you should be fine. Go to a pharmacy out of your neighborhood and buy condoms. Good idea to have them on hand in your private drawer. If you do not have sex with him--you are ready for the man you want to share with. Sex is part of a good relationship. A GOOD one. Read Steve Harvey's books. He tells women some point blank messages that are worth reading. Enjoy whatever decisions you make and have some fun.
A
male
reader, PJ090729  +, writes (11 February 2012):
I understand the situation, however the simple fact of the matter is that sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship to some, even many, people. I'm not saying that you're wrong for wanting to hold on to your virginity, however if you're seeing signs of sexual frustration now they are not likely to go away. If he's trying to keep them bottled up, they are likely going to explode in the future.
Ultimately you need to be prepared to accept that his relationship values may be very different from your own, and that if you choose to maintain your virginity, he may choose to find a new relationship. If this is something that you feel you can not bend on, and this is an ongoing issue, you know that you are not a good match for each other.
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A
male
reader, PJ090729 +, writes (11 February 2012):
I understand the situation, however the simple fact of the matter is that sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship to some, even many, people. I'm not saying that you're wrong for wanting to hold on to your virginity, however if you're seeing signs of sexual frustration now they are not likely to go away. If he's trying to keep them bottled up, they are likely going to explode in the future.Ultimately you need to be prepared to accept that his relationship values may be very different from your own, and that if you choose to maintain your virginity, he may choose to find a new relationship. If this is something that you feel you can not bend on, and this is an ongoing issue, you know that you are not a good match for each other.
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A
male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (11 February 2012):
"He is sexually experienced - and I am still a virgin by choice. Apart from spiritual reasons, I really do not feel ready, either for the act itself, nor for dealing with the consequences of potential scares that I really cannot afford to have, or the side effects of taking any type of birth control."You are biologically an adult and have been--assuming a normal puberty and you are in fact 26-29--at least a decade. The odds of your ever really feeling "ready" for sex aren't that high until menopause comes closer, but that's not the problem.The problem is he's expecting--based on experience--romantic relationships that are successful to eventually become sexual relationships. You are not comfortable with sexual relationships at this time, for whatever reason and that is definitely your prerogative. The mismatch, however, is the critical problem.You two--if the relationship is to succeed--will have to communicate clearly what your expectations are and what your deal-breakers are. At that point, you can choose to either develop a mutually agreed solution or break up and try again with some other partner that might be more similar in expectations.As far as the secondary problems--like birth control--there are many different forms. I suggest you consider seeing if your local community college, health organizations, or medical providers give a sexuality class that includes them. They--unlike a doctor who often has a "pet prescription"--are more likely to give you comparative information across the methods, if you are interested in that. Good luck though and--if you really feel strongly about not wanting sex (yet, if ever), stick to your guns and don't allow yourself to be pressured unless you decide it's what you want.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2012):
 And to me Chigirl, "seeing someone" means that they are serious.... so with that I agree totally with Cindy...
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 Yes. If you don't feel you want to have sex for any reason that is your right. As long as you tell him your views and explain to him you will not give up your virginity, so that he knows where he stands.
The happy compromise is making out, caressing, kissing and foreplay which allows you both to orgasm. However, be aware, this may cause temptation and further frustration and may lead to either him or you wanting full penetrative sex. You can also do what Christian teenagers do, make sure your never alone together, go out, stay in public, find activities and interests where you have to be with other people.
Also, although he loves you, if he is used to regular sex he may not be able to wait for ever and remain in a celibate relationship with a virgin and he may leave the relationship. Contraception isn't the problem. Many women can't use the pill, but there are alternatives like the IUD's or the basic condom which prevents against pregnancy. (and STD's)
Some of the things you say are a bit of a worry, about your fear of the act, and your fear of emotional damage. This is because of the age you are. If you still have such worries at 26-29, it may be that your virginity and your celibacy are blowing sex out of all proportion and may become a problem for you when you finally decide you are ready. Sex is not only about problems, it can also be a way to get more intimate, bond with your partner, and it's gives you the most pleasure that can be found on this earth. There are many, many benefits to responsible sex, with someone you love as part of a solid relationship.
Again, it is your right to remain a virgin, it's not wrong or right, it's your choice. But it may be difficult for a sexual man to stay in a relationship (or stay faithful) with you for very long. Go talk to him and see what he says, if he is decent he will be able to tell you how he thinks he can deal with all of this. For many men love is the important thing, and they can wait for sex if the relationship will provide it in the end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): Have you even TALKED with this man about sex?
More importantly, what do you WANT? Have you told him you are a virgin or have concerns?
Like Chigirl said, "Do not push the wagon before the horse". You are dealing with your fears before you face the facts.
What do you want from/with this man? A commitment? A sexual experience? A marriage? Should things stay right where they are?
If you decide to stay a virgin until you are married, he has a right to know. You need to know where his head is too. You might be crushed. You might be delighted.
Until you have a talk, which is REAL intimacy, then you are just fearful of sex.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 Maybe I've missed something here, but why exactly are either of you thinking of sex? He's just a guy you've been seeing for some months now. He's not a boyfriend. He's not a fiance. He's a guy you've been seeing. Until you and him sit down and have a real talk about what you are doing together then there is no point in debating sex. As for now you don't even know if you are a couple in a relationship or not. You do not mention kissing, holding hands, being in love, or possible future with this guy.
Don't push the wagon before the horse, first determine what sort of relationship you have with this man before you start talking about sex. If you and him are not in a relationship and he just wants something casual than clearly you and him must part ways. If he is serious about you and you about him, you both want a relationship and might see a future together, then talk about it!
Have the relationship talk first. Then discuss the aspect of sex.
Condoms are safe to use, and not hormonal. There is also something called female condoms, and the baby comp (or lady comp) that calculates your safe periods. Sex can be had without scares or worries even if you aren't using hormonal birth control.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 I guess it depends from the strength and seriousness of the spiritual motivations preventing you from having sex.
Maybe I am wrong, but it sounds like they aren't so strong after all, it sounds that if you could be 101 percent sure you won't get pregnant , you would let yourself easily be persuaded to have intercourse. If this is the case, well, the compromise is : doing something, or everything,- BUT vaginal penetration.
If instead you are really committed , because of religious or moral ideals, to stay pure until your wedding ,.. I am afraid there's no compromise. Purity and chastity pertain to a spiritual and mental condition, not to having an intact hymen or to not using a specific orifice. It's a matter of accepting you won't use your body to get or give a sensual, physical satisfaction , as this satisfaction is perceived as
selfish, superficial and impure until made "clean " and sacred by your wedding vows.
If this is the case , i.e., if you really believe that, .. then you also have to walk the walk , not just talk the talk. The only possible compromise would be .. avoiding the occasions for you to be tempted , and for him to be frustrated :).
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (11 February 2012):
 I'm sorry, but I never got this sort of attitude. First off, why is he going to date someone that is going to wait til marriage. Second of all, did he even bother to ask? Did you even bother to tell him?
As far as birth control, there are condoms, there are IUDs there are a million things aside from the pill.
On that note, you should talk to a smart doctor, not your dumb doctor about the consequences of all forms of BC, as opposed to just the pill.
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