A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles, this may be long so I apologize in advance.I have found myself in a situation I can't really talk to anyone about, except all of you. For seven months now I have been in a relationship with a gentleman who is separated from his wife but still legally married. They live in different houses and have four children. He is my first serious boyfriend and I know that seeing a married man does not look good on my part, but I love him very much. His children suspect he is with someone, but for the most part we have managed to keep our relationship as discreet as possible. All was going well, we spent time together when our schedules allowed it, and we were getting very serious. I even gave him the most precious gift you can give to a man... my virginity. Well just last month he sat me down and told me he wanted to take a break because the separation was taking a toll on his family and he wanted to try one last time to make things right with his wife. As much as it hurt, I supported his decision and we took a break from each other. After two weeks of no contact, he came back to me and told me his wife was no longer in love with him. He was crushed but I comforted him and we decided to get back together. I did everything I could to keep his mind off his failing marriage. We watched sports together, I bought him his favorite ice cream, little things like that. A month goes by and things are great with us... or so I thought. At 5am this morning I was awoken by a text message from him. He said that he is once again going to try to reconcile with his wife, he still loves her and wants his children to have both parents together. I was upset, hurt and confused. He told me he will continue to love me, but for now he needs another break. Why is he so indecisive? One minute he wants me, the next minute he wants his wife, then the next he is back with me. I do not get it. The last time we made love was six nights ago and he held me in his arms as we drifted off to sleep. I am emotionally attached to this man. He is my first of everything and I can't just walk away from him. I understand about the kids, but what I don't understand is why he would want to be with his wife if she does not love him. He may sound like a douchebag for bouncing back and forth, but deep down aunts and uncles, he is a good man.I have no idea what to do. What do you think of this? What should I do? Thank you all for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your support. It is over between us.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 April 2013):
 “he was my first of everything and I can’t just walk away from him”
I know how hard this must be for you but to be honest, the best thing for you to do is to figure out how to walk away, because if you do not walk on your own, he will continue to use you to make himself feel better every time he can’t reconcile with his wife. In addition, if he wants to be with her and his family and she is not willing, he’s not really free emotionally to commit to anyone even if he does get a legal divorce.
I don’t think he’s a douchebag and I don’t think you are a bad person. I do think that he’s not available to you on many levels, he is legally the husband of another woman and if she wants to move this divorce forward she can name you as a respondent in her divorce proceedings and charge him with adultery and you with alienation of affection. It would not be pleasant for anyone. If you stay with him and he does end up divorcing his wife, his kids may never see you as anything but a “home wrecker” even if you are not the reason the marriage broke up. Kids are funny like that. He is NOT emotionally available to you if he is still in love with his wife. That could take YEARS for him to work through.
I think OP you have to look at your options:
1. Leave now suffer the pain of ending something that you put hopes and dreams into. The pain should be relatively short lived.
2. Drag this out for years until you are ready to admit that he’s not available to you emotionally and you will always be second to his wife, even if she does divorce him, he loves her and he wants to be with her… you are just his filler when she’s feeling strong enough to end it…..
Either way I think in the LONG run, you will end up without him. Better to do it now on your terms.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 April 2013):
 You experienced so many firsts with the wrong man. It's normal when a female looses her virginity to feel emotionally attached to the one she looses it to. Unfortunately you're with a man who is in a transitional state with his marriage. Back and forth... Just as you try to comfort and please him, he is trying to hold onto threads with his wife and family. In doing so he found comfort in the relationship you two shared, but it is not the right time in his life to consider what you two had more than what has been displayed to you thus far. You are the one on the side lines, hoping that one day he chooses you. The fact that he has not raises red flags as to where the two of you would end up.
Now about you. Why do you feel you deserve so little? Why do you wait for a guy who if he were to ultimately choose you, you'd still be his second choice? I want you to be a mans first choice and to be treated with the love and respect you deserve. I don't see that happening with this man. It's sad that you've been put in this position, but the experience you did share holds value. It's now part of who you are, and even where some experiences don't end up where we would like them to, we should still be grateful for having the opportunity to have had the experience.
I hope this helps, and it is my hope that you find happiness with someone who treats you right.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2013):
 You gave a married man your virginity after only seven months? A guy who has four children? You have to keep it all secret?
So basically, you gave what you think is your most precious gift to some old fat married guy who is hiding you from everyone he knows?
How long did he groom you? Old married men with lots of children either are into being a father or they get bored and try to find entertaining ways of occupying their time.
He's not actually deep down a good man. That's the fiction he's sold you but basically he's an old guy who should know better with a family and who now has to deal with the after effects of his mid-life tantrum acting out thing.
I would tell all your best support system people, your parents (if they are able to be mature and help you out), your wisest friends and anyone who you know can help you through the breakup that you will need all their support to get through the breakup process.
There's a wonderful saying, "when you put your face to the light, the shadows fall behind you."
Tell the truth. Tell the truth to the people who love you unconditionally. And who aren't married to other people and have children by them, a LOT of children.
You'll be far far better off a year from now than you are today if you simply be true to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Stop seeing him. The man is married, and not free to take up with you or any other woman. Not until he gets a divorce.
You shouldn't have become involved with a married man in the first place. Your helping him to cheat on his wife.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 April 2013):
 I agree with the other aunts. You are the crutch, the bandaid, the diversion. He wants his wife and kids and family.
I will say something that they didn't say though. The reason you're feeling so out of control and would be willing to be treated like a yo-yo and wait for him though that's seriously and utterly degrading to you is chemical. Vasopresin and oxytocin are powerful bonding chemicals that are secreted during and shortly after sex, and the first time is so strong your body will actually get addicted to those bonding chemicals. Dopamine too -- the natural brain's heroin as well. You gave him your virginity, and the chemicals and hormones are why you're doing what you'd tell your best friend not to do -- pining for a married man who doesn't feel for you like that.
The sooner your recognize and find distasteful this married man who used you, tossed you, then used you again only to toss you, the sooner you'll never take him back and find a guy who has no relationship baggage. A married man cannot bond, nor can he commit. Ever wonder why he separated from his wife? I'm guessing you just got a taste of the selfishness that his own wife finds distasteful. Hopefully neither she nor you take back that dog.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 April 2013):
You, unfortunately, are an emotional crutch for him. He loves his wife and wants to be with her. You are there to comfort him when that's not possible. You aren't there to build a future with him in any way.
If you are happy with that then continue on,he may be back. But don't feel bad that you can't compete with his wife,it's not about what you're lacking,it's about their history and shared commitments.
EVERYBODY has a first. Some place more importance on it than others, but unless you've met the perfect man who can give you what you deserve and make you happy then it's best to move on.
Use this as an opportunity to learn a lesson. Compatibility is just as important as love. If you can find both of those in one person you're going to be very happy. Otherwise you're wasting your time!
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (25 April 2013):
 He may be a good man, but here is the harsh truth. He is using you to feel good about himself when his wife rejects him. Please don't waste any more precious moments of your life pining over a guy who chooses you as second best. His wife and his family will always come first.
I know that you are attached to him, and perhaps you both came into each other's lives to learn something from one another, but if you are experiencing more horrible moments than good ones in this relationship, it is a sign to let go and move on. It will be a difficult thing to do, but you deserve better. You deserve to be with a man who puts you first and gives you his heartfelt love, instead of stringing you along like a convenient ego booster. I'm not saying you should hate him, but do you think it's fair how he is treating you?
You will find better men than him out there. Take a break from him. Take some time to heal your broken heart. Don't go back to him. He will waste more of your time. Find someone who is proud to call you his girlfriend and is not ashamed to take you out in public and show you off.
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