A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Not long before my fiancee and I got engaged, we had a fidelity issue- on his part. It took me a long time (and I am just summing this up to keep it short) but eventually I forgave him. Its been YEARS since then but sometimes I get bitten by the bad-memory bug and start feeling scared. Most recently, I think the start of it was his mom keeps insinuating that we will end up divorced- we aren't even married yet! She just has a tendency to believe that American women can't be committed to one life long relationship... Anyway, so today I saw on my Facebook notifications that my fiancee "liked" some porno FB site and apparently this happened when he was still asleep, lol. I called him to let him know that I am pretty sure his FB had been hacked and, since he's pretty new to FB, he asked if I could go on and "unlike" the page. So, when I got home from work today, I got on his FB to unlike the page and got right off. Then I went to check the email that I created for his FB site because we had recently used that email address to inquire about a house for sale. I noticed that there was an email notification from a woman that he told me he added as a friend because she lives down the street from where he grew up, and they've known each other a long time. Okay.. normally no biggie. .. but since, like I said, his Mom's comments have been getting under my skin, I immediately got this icky feeling in my stomach and opened it. In the convo he had asked her if she graduated (her picture is a younger woman and an older woman- who are obviously mother and daughter) and she said that no she didn't graduate and that it was her daughter that graduated... what was his response? "Oh, you look more like sisters" - which to me is flirty... then she said "Oh, no, she is my daughter." he says, "well you look like twins" -- flirtier still, right?? So I went back into his FB to read the entire conversation. I felt guilty but I was over taken with anger and fear- what can I say? So yea.. I open his FB and read their conversation. Which started on Monday- which means he deleted the email notification for that conversation because we inquired about the house for sale on Sunday and I have been checking the email everyday since then and there was no notification for that conversation. So, the conversation starts with him asking her what part of their country she is from- SO obviously, he also lied about them knowing each other forever. That lie becomes more apparent when she tells him that she was born in "such-and-such" town. He then tells her where he is from and she asks him if its nice in his home town because she had never been... I am so infuriated and near tears!! I don't know weather or not I should confront him and pray he has some reasonable explanation- or if I should keep quiet and see if they keep talking... Am I over reacting?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, I want to thank everyone for their replies and advice. I have thought about therapy and couples therapy for a long time but our work schedules make it difficult, plus it would have to be a Spanish speaking therapist and I don't know how much it would cost if only one of us is insured...
Beyond that...... Well, let me start by saying this is going to be really long. However, I'd really appreciate it if you all read it all.
Anniston85 said, "Even if he ends up being faithful for the rest of his life"
There-in lies my dilemma. He treats me so well. It's an awful internal battle when I think about weather or not I should take the chance to stay with him, or leave because he *might* cheat again. When he cheated he admitted it like a man and apologized, a lot. He explained the situation and after I was done being furious (i.e. 5 months later) I started to try to see things from his point of view. Eventually, I accepted my small part- I am a grown woman, I can admit when I'm wrong.
It was a tremulous time for us, I was still living home with my parents (we were young I was 19 & he was 21) but he asked me to marry him anyway. I accepted and he wanted suggested we take the next step (moving in together) but my parents said no. He basically begged me, he said if I wanted to live with him that was my decision. I was an adult and I shouldn't have to ask permission, or listen to my parents if they said no. I agreed with him but I was scared to leave my parents house, or maybe more accurately I was scared to defy them.
So, needless to say, despite being an adult, I was still acting like a kid who had to listen to her parents even if she wanted to do the opposite, with all her heart. It was the holiday season and my Dad likes holidays to be spent with family and family alone, so my poor fiancee was on his own a lot (the only member of his family that lived here was his brother at that time). To make matters worse, my most recent ex lived near by and all that combined gave my fiancee's older brother footing to screw us up. The brother was telling him that the close proximity to my ex was probably why I wanted to stay where I was, that I wasn't spending time with my fiancee because I was with my ex- that I was using my father's strictness as a lie (from Thanksgiving to New years, I was only allowed to see my fiancee for 2 hours a day, and we couldn't go out anywhere, we had to stay at my house). The brother told my fiancee he'd seen me out in date-like situations with my ex (which was a lie) and the brother used my fiancee's trust in him against me to convince fiancee that I wasn't as serious about our relationship as fiancee was and that if I was seeing other people, fiancee should do the same. So, my fiancee met a woman at a club and slept with her. After my fiancee told me that he had cheated, we broke up. He apologized and said he would do whatever it took to fix things but I was too hurt to listen.
Immediately after we broke up his brother tried to get together with me and I found out (through a guy who was a good friend to me, fiancee and best friend to the brother) that the brother had made up the lies to break my fiancee and I up so the brother could go after me. The friend said he had wanted to say something for a long time but didn't want to betray my fiancee's brothers trust, however, seeing me and my fiancee so depressed and distraught had made him feel guilty for going along with my fiancee's brothers lies so he had to come clean.
I realized that if I would have stood up to my parents and done what I/we wanted to do, his brother would have had no footing to screw with my fiancee's head and the whole thing probably never would have happened in the first place. He was lonely, missing his family, missing me and I couldn't even make myself stand up to my parents and/or be there for him.
Despite being broken up my fiancee had kept contact with me, calling to check in on me and trying to cheer me up, in his words, "at least as a friend". When I came to terms with everything and we reconciled, I moved out of my parents house while they were on a long vacation so I wouldn't have to deal with arguing, and he and I got an apartment together.
Since then things have been good, most of the time it's better than picture perfect. I am 24 now, he is 26 (so its been, I guess, 5 years).
The issues we have had stem from me. I am a jealous woman, I guess, because I am scarred and insecure. In all honesty, I have only had one relationship, in my entire life, that didn't end in me getting cheated on so I guess I'm jaded. I'm hard to deal with, I have some chemical imbalances as well as NDS and ADHD. I am not the best "typical" wife type (if he didn't clean, our apartment would be a disaster area) I try to keep things tidy but it always gets away from me (& lately, that's been worse because I am on an extended ADHD medication vacation). I know that I can be difficult, irrational and hard to be around for extended periods of time but my fiancee doesn't complain. He doesn't even tell me that I am those things. He says I am perfect how I am, that he loves each imperfection. Of course, when I go into irrational tail-spins, we sometimes end up arguing but he doesnt leave nor does he ever proverbially throw all he does for me in my face. He is very understanding, and patient. He does more than his fair share of house work and, again, never complains. He showers me in affection and he even gets up two hours earlier than he has to so that he can make me coffee, pack me a lunch, lay out my uniform and heat up my car while I'm doing my hair and make up.
Sooo if I leave him on the chance that he might cheat on me again I will be leaving the man who treats me better than any one I have EVER known... He treats me better than my family treats me, better than I treat me, lol. That is my internal battle. I know that he made a mistake but am I willing to leave the best person I kniw on the off chance that he will hurt me again? Even if he did do it again in the future- would I at least be able to say I don't regret taking that chance and spending the best years of my life with soneone so attentive and caring? If I did leave him, I think I would never heal. If I saw him living happily and staying with another woman the rest of his life, would I be able to forgive myself for not taking the chance?
Beyond my internal struggles... I just wish I could make him understand how incredibly vital it is to my sanity that he be honest with me.
I talked to him about what I read and he was so upset. He said when I called him concerning the FB porn site he got a cold feeling in HIS stomach thinking that I was going to start a fight with him over it (The fact that it didn't make me mad, or jealous, is a big step for me) he said when I started by saying I believed that he had nothing to do with it, before he even said anything, he felt so relieved that I trust him.. But now that I tell him I went through his messages, he feels like I will never trust him, again, and that we will never be happy. He said he lied about how he knows her because he knew I'd get mad, even though he has no wrongful intentions with this woman. So, I asked him what innocent reason he would have to befriend and chat with a woman he doesn't know? To which he replied, "She asked to be my friend and I didn't want to be an ass, her location saus she's from my town and I didn't want to get the reputation if being stuck up now that I'm in the US. Two days ago a guy I don't know asked to be my friend and I accepted... I don't see you getting mad at that." (end quote)
I don't know how to explain to him the huge difference between accepting random guys and accepting random women. I don't know how to explain to him why it upsets me so much that he would want to make friends with a complete female stranger... I feel like it means that he isn't satisfied with our relationship and is (maybe subconsciously??) looking for someone better. I wish I could make him understand how those kind of actions directly cause me to feel unlovable... How these small, and in his eyes innocent actions, are detrimental to my feelings about myself. I know something so small shouldn't shake me so profoundly but it does. How can I explain that to him if I can't understand it myself?? Where can I even begin?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 April 2013):
 If you did not trust him before with good reason you will not trust him now with good reason.
It does appear he lied about how he knows her etc... and that is enough to destroy trust that was solid and even worse that it was already shaky.
Sadly from my experience, trust once broken is never totally repaired and once they do another untrustworthy thing, there is almost no hope of recovery.
Since you created the email for him and he knows you are checking it, I would mention to him that you found this exchange and you are concerned that there are things that are not being said that need to be said.
I would not marry him. I know it's hard to accept but trust me it will be better for you to walk away from this man and give yourself time to heal and then meet a new guy.
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (25 April 2013):
It probably feels like you've invested a lot and you'll be afraid to throw it all away now. But for you own sake, cut your losses and leave this man. You have no trust for him and he is not trustworthy. That is no foundation to build a marriage on.
Leave him
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A
female
reader, Aniston85 +, writes (25 April 2013):
I know you say you forgave him from what he did to you in the past, but to be honest...I don't think you will ever be happy with him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. That is how I see it. That sick feeling you got in your stomach happened for a reason. Even if he ends up being faithful for the rest of his life, I believe in the back of your head you are going to be paranoid. You don't have to live like that. I would leave him if I were you. Life is too short to deal with that crap.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (25 April 2013):
 I think you need to explore these unresolved infidelity issues with a therapist, before you marry this man. You need to shed some light on those inner fears before they eat you up and drive you crazy. I would even suggest that you take couples therapy, so the both of you can hash these issues out in a supportive environment. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed, but this is not a healthy way to spend the rest of your life with someone. The comments he made were innocent enough, not as flirty as you think they are. There could be a good explanation for this, but your insecurities and doubts will take over and make it bigger and more horrible than it really is.
Take a step back from the situation. Take a deep breath and start searching for a good couples therapist.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 April 2013):
I don't think you're overreacting and I don't think it'd be smart to marry this guy. He doesn't seem to be a one woman man, and if you marry him it'll only hurt more when you catch him cheating or worse- leaving you for another woman.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): Neither. Dump him with an unexplained, undeserved eternal disappearing act.
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