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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello agony aunts, 7 years ago I was in a relationship with this man whom I met in college. We were so in love however I had to finish my higher education outside the country for 2 years. We were trying patiently to manage the LDR but after I finished my studies I had a great job opportunity there with a very high salary, and the contract was for 4 years, I discussed it with my boyfriend and told him to come and live with me over there but we had a huge argument about it and couldn't compromise it so we broke up. It was a very painful break up and it was hard for me to move on. After those 4 years I got back to the US and it seemed that I already moved. Until one day we came across each others and he was already with another woman, he didn't say hi or anything so I thought to myself that he either didn't recognize me or he also moved on. But that was a very hard situation for me and couldn't get it out of my head. The next few days I got a message from him on Facebook, we talked a bit and he told me that he has been engaged with this woman for a few months now, and said that he would like to see me and have a coffee. I agreed to that and once we met I just got back to those very old feelings, and I found out that I still do love him and I do want him, I told him that this should be our last time meeting, and he did agreed to that and we didn't talk for weeks after that. A few days ago i got a message from him again telling me how he still love me till this day and that he's ready to break up with his fiance just to be with me now, and he was too serious about it, we want to be with each other's so bad but I can't imagine that I'm being that person who makes a man break up with his fiance for me, and I can't imagine how his fiance would feel and how would I feel if I was in her place. But my emotions are still too strong after all those years and I feel that the spark is still there, we both feel it. What should I do?
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 December 2019):
 I don’t think this is the standard story of a man who can’t wait to leave his partner and would do this willy nilly with anyone. To me it sounds like 2 people who didnt want to break up but did so because of logistics which is a completely valid reason to break up. People have mentioned ‘if he does this to her he would do this to you’ again, I don’t think this would necessarily be the case here. This is the potential of getting back with someone who he was in love with and didn’t want to leave in the first place, it sounds like he’s just settled with his current fiancée which explains why he is so easy to break up with her (poor her in this situation btw).
As the other posters suggested, HE needs to make the decision on his own. I’d just let him know that you won’t be committing to anything whilst he’s in a relationship, I wouldn’t imply that you would even get together with him if they did break up. I’d say something along the lines of whilst you’re in a relationship then it’s best not to contact each other. If he comes back further down the line when he’s single then you could start dating again and see where things end up but for the time being don’t get involved here. You don’t want to be the reason for a breakup. Let him decide the fate of the relationship without your intervention.
A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (27 December 2019):
 Hello OP,I think it’s wise that you came here. You know it’s not quite right and that’s for good reason. If he can throw away an engagement for a woman from his past, could you trust him? You also don’t know if you’d be compatible any more; it’s common to slip back into your old relationship, even though you’re not the same people any more.I agree with the others that you should cut contact. If he’s serious about being with you, he’ll contact you when he’s ended his engagement. Then you can tell him that you’re not comfortable being a rebound, so want to wait 3 months or so before talking to each other again and going on dates. If he resists that or gets with someone else in the meantime, it’s because he’s not serious about you.You need to be smart about this or you may find yourself in his fiancée’s shoes. If anything seems off or he hesitates to agree (and stick) to your terms, let him go permanently and you’ll be dodging a bullet.Just send one last message: “it was great to see you ____, but this is wrong. I’m going to have to stop talking to you unless you become single again and have spent some time single. Otherwise we’d stand no chance. Take care.” If he isn’t happy with that, then he’s not a decent guy.No more talking, meeting, flirting or anything, unless he leaves his fiancée and has stayed single for 3 months or so, as the others have suggested. If he can’t/won’t do that, he’s not serious about you.If he does follow your rules, you have to take things slowly, as though you’d only just met. As we’ve said, you’re not the same people - he’s even been engaged and may leave her out-of-the-blue. You need to get to know each other as who you are now, not who you were before. Date him as you would any other guy you don’t know - presumably no sleeping together or going anywhere alone on the first couple of dates, unless that’s your style with others.Take it one step at a time:• Send him the message I wrote above. • See his reaction to it.• Let him go if he doesn’t understand or accept your rules. • If he follows the rules, keep your distance for 3 months - no contact at all.• If it all works out, start dating as though you’re strangers.• Take it slowly to remind yourself you’re not the same couple you were.Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 December 2019):
 Go for it. You cant control his actions, and his current girlfriend deserves to marry a man who sees her as his first choice snd not just second choice. He is right to break up with her in either case, because his heart is not in it.
But as for you, feelings are just feelings. They dont mean you and him are a good match. Consider your compatibility above feelings. What if one of you want to move again, will the same arguments arise? Do you both want the same things in life? Your relationship can not be picked up where you left it, you have to start fresh, date again, and see how it goes. It might just be nostalgia on his part and yours. So you need to take this slow.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 December 2019):
 So let me get this straight: if you give him the nod, he will ditch his fiancee for you. On the other hand, if you don't, he will stay with her? What a piece of work. I can see why you are in love with him.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 December 2019):
 Do you REALLY want to be with a guy who can so readily toss away an engagement? Another person?
Wouldn't that make you feel like HE could do that to you down the line as well?
I would NOT be the one making this choice, and IF he DOES choose to end his engagement and break up with his fiance, I would NOT jump right into a relationship with him. Because I would want for him to be ABSOLUTELY sure that is what he really wants.
You also HAVE to consider that he isn't quite the same guy you dated WAY back when, people change.
I would also suggest that the contact is cut until HE is sure on what he wants to do and actually DO it. Then he needs to take a few months being single and THEN you two can rekindle things and hopefully it will work out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2019): If his feelings for his fiancée are such that he's that easily swayed from her, just by seeing you again, then I don't think he loves his fiancée enough to be marrying her. Yes, it's sad and horrible for her, but it's not your fault, you didn't ask for this to happen.
It's better for her that if she IS second choice, that she finds out before they marry.
If your feelings are so strong for one another, then it seems that the only course of action is for you to be together. But don't let him run you both at the same time. Stay well away until he's single.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2019): What a load of baloney!Sorry but this little dramatic love story you have dreamt up is too daft for words...it doesn't wash at all.You couldn't give a monkey's for his fiancé or you wouldn't have met for coffee and told him you loved him.Reading between the lines, you're single and missing the idea of being with him - you can't love him as you're both different people now than you were years ago. If you were both so in love and made for each other then you'd have made it work years ago - no ifs, no buts! He is obviously craving something more than his fiancé can give and is looking at alternatives for excitement - since he knows you're in the sidelines waiting for him then you're his first port of call!Take a step back from your rose tinted glasses and look at it realistically - if he broke up with his fiancé tomorrow and turned up at your door, his fiancé wouldn't let it lie there. She would fight for her man and there would be a heck of a lot of drama to come. Even if she accepted it and let him go, how do you know he won't get bored and look elsewhere behind your back?Have a think about this from a logical point of view when you haven't just watched some Chanel 5 Christmas budget romance movie - which is what your pickle describes!
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 December 2019):
 You have to stop contacting each other for a few months for him to decide. If in 3 months he's still engaged, then you know where you stand. Do NOT meet up again, flirt, kiss or anything until he is single. Even IF he breaks up with her, you don't want to be a rebound.
It's good that you're considering her, but that means cutting contact with him until he's single. If you don't want to be a "homewrecker", then back off until he becomes single - IF he becomes single.
After he's single, keep things platonic for 3 months or so to avoid being a rebound, then start dating from scratch. You are two very different people from those who used to be together. It's very easy to fall back into old times, but it rarely works when you subconsciously act/believe nothing has changed.
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