A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i probably know what i should do but id still like some advice. I have been 'dating' a guy for 4 month we dont always get to see each other every week due to work and other commitments. We spend time at each others places but we had a massive talk about the future today and its knocked me. He has said its fun for now but probably doesnt see a future with me. I told him how i feel and he said he doesnt feel the same way , my feelings are so much stronger for him. He said he wanted to be honest and not lead me on so i told him he already had. He hasnt argued with me and is sorry that hes hurt me. Ive said im not sure what to do, if i continue seeing him i know my feeling will get stronger for him but then would his get strong for me ? if they dont on his part then its going to be so much worse for me. Is there any point me trying to show how good things are with me or should i cut my losses ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, MSA  +, writes (11 February 2019):
 It's only been four months.. and four months of not always seeing each other. Give it some time. What do you LOVE sooooo much about this guy? You both are in the getting to know each other phase. GET TO KNOW HIM!! and allow him to get to know you too! Not all love is love at first sight.. love needs time to grow because you understand each other more, you've both experienced things together. Love is not instant. It's quite normal that he is just taking it slowly and enjoy the present. He's not ready to talk about the future and neither should you.
Give it some time.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 February 2019):
 If he is more concerned with "protecting his feelings" he isn't really ready to date seriously.
If you (general you) don't take a risk, you won't really be able to partake in a relationship.
So, no I don't think that excuse is significant as far as whether he MIGHT/COULD/WOULD develop deeper feelings for you.
If he isn't willing to at least give it a REAL go, then he isn't ready. And you shouldn't be used as a tester or guinea pig.
Find someone who is READY an WILLING to make the investment in you as you are in them.
I still say maybe... 4 months is a bit fast to try and plan the "future" but it might work as a pivot point for you where you figure out whether YOU need to step away or not.
This guy, as nice as he probably is, I'd let him sort himself out and simply move on. I'd cut the contact as well, no point in keeping tabs on him or him on you.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 February 2019):
 Wow! 4 months into a relationship and you are already having heavy discussions about the future? Did that happen because of your strong feelings for him? Are you trying to push things forward at a rate that appears, at least from the scant detail you have given, far too fast?
He's been as honest as he can with you. Take a bit of advice from one older than you who has the experience to back this up: if someone tells you they don't have feelings for you, BELIEVE them. You cannot force this sort of thing. If it's not working for him, then it won't. Cut your losses and save yourself prolonged heartache.
You never know. Perhaps, after you have walked away, he may suddenly realize what he has lost. No guarantee of course but it happens sometimes although, if it does, I would question whether he only wants you when he thinks he is losing you.
Don't be tempted into the "let's stay friends" scenario with him, otherwise you will just carry on living in hope.
Be strong. You deserve someone who is as into you as you are into them. When you meet them, you will realize why THIS relationship had no future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): This where you part ways. He has told you he's not looking for anything serious, and obviously you are. You don't try to convince people they should like you more; because you are falling for them. The feelings have to mutual and moving at the same pace.
You said you hardly see each other due to your work schedules; and if it has been only 4 months, you've let your feelings get ahead of you.
I'm sorry, I mean no disrespect; but I'm sensing desperation here. Loneliness often makes people get attached too quickly; and will also make you think you're more emotionally-attached then you actually may be. It's neediness more than real attraction. He's not reciprocating, so what's the use?
The desperation will make you plead and beg; and this is beneath your dignity. You'll get angry and resentful for being rejected. It's showing when you told him he was leading you on. It's not leading you on to enjoy dating and keeping company with you. He just doesn't want a relationship. You can't force him into having one.
If you've had sex with him, and now he's backing-away, then undo your feelings. It's better you take a hint. Let-go and move on.
It has been only a few weeks; so you haven't established real feelings. You're enamored, but that's at such an infancy stage you shouldn't feel the full-effects of emotional-withdrawal and detachment. It's barely a break-up.
Word of advice. Don't foresee futures with people. Stay in the present, and let things progress. Pace your feelings. If you see yourself getting ahead of things, pump the brakes.
You're a grown-woman, and you know better. Maintain your dignity and grace. Many women hit the panic-button when they start approaching 40; and concerned the biological-clock is ticking. They get desperately-attached trying to beat the clock. Losing all sense of reason. Maybe not in this case; but that's often the situation.
Don't let your age or loneliness get the better of you. You are better-off to find someone on the same page. Keep your emotions in-check and take your time; even if it looks like time is running out on the clock.
You see; the truth is, you can't foresee the future. You can only prepare for it. The right-guy may not be that far-off, and destiny maybe pulling this guy out of his way. Especially, if you're getting hung-up on him too soon!
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (7 February 2019):
 I know its hard because you have feelings for him, but you have to forget about him and move on. He has already said that he does not see a future with you, that alone should be enough for you to leave this relationship. The longer you stick around hoping that one day he will change his mind the harder its going to get, so leave now.
Its will be hard in the beginning, but further down the line you will look back on this and see it as the best decision you ever made. Give your self time out of a relationship, have some fun, and i guarantee that soon or later, probally when you least expect it you will meet someone who gives you the love and respect that you so rightly deserve.
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female
reader, WhatsUpDoc  +, writes (7 February 2019):
 I was in a similar situation as this years ago.I was seeing this cute fun guy for a few weeks,thought things were going great.I was just enjoying our time together hadnt really started thinking about our future and then he decided to sit me down and explain that he was having fun with me but nothiing else,didnt want anything serious blah blah blah..In other words he wanted things on his terms only.It shook me a little bit i wanted him to want me to be his girlfriend not just a lay whenever he felt like he wanted it.And because i felt like that i almost went along with what he wanted.I had a chat wit myself and you should do the same i wanted to be the person who makes the terms of what i want from my relationships,i want to be with a person who wants to be with me because they love my company,i want to be with a person who makes me a better person..Once you decide what kind of a relationship you want and what kind of a person you want in your life you wont give this guy a second thought.If you decide to stay with him in the hope of changing his mind you will be dissapointed.The only good thing about this guy is he was honest with you about how he feels,he just into into you as a girlfriend.He will respect you more for respecting yourself by not staying in a dead end realationship.maybe you could stay friends and when he matures and wants to settle down ,who knows you could have something..but for now dump him get your friends round and go out and have a good time..life is too short to waste time trying to make someone like you more just hang with the ones that already like you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): I'm not a game player at all, but I have realised that there is a certain element of 'playing the game' in relationships. I say this because, in my experience, once a man has said something like this to you, in his mind - and absolutely regardless of whether this is true or not - he has somehow positioned you as 'low value' to him. Nothing you can do or say will change his mind except one thing. That one thing is to do a 'U' Turn and walk away entirely. No explanations, no anger, no hurt, no nothing - give absolutely nothing and in your own mind and in reality just walk away. There is a very slight chance that this kind of action can prompt a man - over time - to think "what was I thinking of, she's a high quality woman". However, the chances of this happening are incredibly slim AND if he does approach you months later, you have to be careful not to let his regard for you slip back down again, or he will keep playing along or drop you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): OP, here bit of an update. We keep speaking in depth and hes now told me because his ex left him after a long relationship ( which i knew ) but has said he was badly hurt and wants to protect himself from the pain so said he has switched his feelings off for everyone. Hes worried that if it got deep between us itd complicate everything. Because he hasnt known me that long he will protect himself but he will soon see that im nothing like his ex im loyal honest, never cheated always been open and care for people. I am hoping he will see all this clearer and open up his feelings but i know itll take time if he does
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 February 2019):
 He couldn’t of been more clear, this has NO future.
Why would you continue to try and convince him to see otherwise? You’ve been meeting for 4 months, that’s plenty of time to know whether you want something serious with someone and this guy has been honest with you.
If this is the first time you’ve discussed the future then I don’t really think he’s led you on, he’s told you at the first discussion that this isn’t serious for him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): You should end it. Listen to him, its not fair to say he led you on- it probably takes four months or so to decide whether you see a future with someone.
Honeypie's advice is good, but it omits the fact that if you tell someone that you aren't that into them, and they remain with you it changes the dynamic in the relationship- in that the less interested of the two will possibly lose respect for the more interested party because they don't have respect for themselves enough to go and find someone who wants them equally as much.
When the power between two partners is always unequal it makes for a very poor match possibly leading to contempt and abuse. Let him go- its painful but in your best interests in the long run.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2019):
I DO think it's OK that ONE of you (him) is trying to just go with the flow and enjoying it, rather than wanting to focus on "the future". Because it IS only 5 months in. WHAT do you really expect at 4 months?
However, if someone told me "I probably don't see a future with me" - I'd wish him well and move on. That isn't much to build on, is it?
You ask if there is any point in trying to show how good things are with you... I don't think so. You shouldn't have to TRY and sell a relationship or yourself as a partner to someone you are with. EITHER they CAN see a future with you or they cant'.
My guess is that he feels you are rushing the whole "a future together". I mean 4 months is not terribly fast to want to look forward, but for some (him I'd wager) it is WAY fast. For you, on the other hand, it's not... so maybe you two are NOT a great fit.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): Simple. You end the relationship and move on to someone who wants a future with you. Why would you stay with him?
He was honest which is a good thing as most guys wouldn't tell you the truth and just string you along. I don't think he has in this case. He took 4 months, saw how it went and then told you how he feels.
You've got your amswer. Nothing will change. If you stay then that is desparation and hope on your part and he isn't responsible for the outcome.
Good luck.
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