A
female
age
30-35,
*ancerx
writes:Hi i'm really stuck and needing advice desperately! i split up with my boyfriend of 4 years over christmas and new year, it was my idea for us to split up. I had become very unhappy in the relationship and it was at a point where it had become violent. Towards the end of it i did meet someone else 'Tom' (not a real name obviously) and he helped me see that i didnt actually love my ex and that i was needing to move on. Things got serious with this 'Tom' and i did start sleeping with him which to me was a really big deal as i lost my virginity to my ex at 15 and he had also been my first kiss etc. so for me it was a sign that i really could move on. I fell head over heels for 'Tom' and was seeing him all the time and he would tell me everything i wanted to hear like he wanted a raltionship with me and that he thought i was amazing and he didnt want to loose me, but then i found out he had a girlfriend who he had been with for over a year!! and it broke my heart. i still see him all the time and sleep with him which i know is stupid but i cant get him out of my head and i really do believe that i'm in love with him, it's so hard for me as i was shopping with him recently and he saw someone who knows his gf and he let go of my hand and pretnded he wasnt with me, but when people are not around he is the most amazing person, i really do see me having an amazing relationship with him for a very long time if not forever but he still hasnt left his gf. should i move on? i kinda know i should in a way but i'm so worried of loosing him, i know i do love him but it's breaking my heart being messed around by him. please any advice from people would help me, bad or good x
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christmas, lost my virginity, move on, my ex, split up, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): Tom needs to be skewered with a hot poker. What he did to you is beyond slimy and spineless. Girl, MOVE ON. Tom showed you that you can move on and that's all he should be, the stepping stone, not the main road.
I know this sounds like the worst advice in the world now, but how about spending some time by yourself as a single woman? It's tough at first, but you learn to build relationships that are not of a romantic nature and you will learn a great deal about yourself.
I spent many years not committing to any romance because I was frightened of being hurt again. However, my time by myself has been a wonderful and painful learning experience. I allowed some healing to happen for my heart.
I also feel that my time alone has allowed a couple of events to happen. I ended up meeting someone I would normally never date but we are very much compatible and he is wonderful to me. We just moved to a paradise island (no, serious!) and are very much in love.
You will heal and move on. Good luck and massive hugs.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 February 2010):
I'm sorry but Tom used you for sex. He knew you were unhappy and saw a chance to use you. He happily cheated on his girlfriend and used you while you were unhappy. This guys isn't worth your time, and you would really be better moving on from him quickly.
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A
female
reader, slipperyslope1234  +, writes (15 February 2010):
I've been in a similar situation. 'Tom' is the "hero" who helped you out of a bad relationship, so you gained respect for him and he understood you in a special way. But he has his own issues and right now is someone who can lie to his girlfriend and totally mislead her. Even if he does eventually leave his girlfriend for you, what will you have for a relationship? I know a lady who fell in love with a married man, the man eventually left his wife and eventually married this lady I know. He then cheated on her a few months into his new marriage. Does that really seem like a surprise? Tom is not someone you need in your life right now OR down the road if he does leave his girlfriend. In a way, it's good your feelings for him helped you get out of an abusive relationship, but now you're clinging on to him as much as your last boyfriend, wanting to believe he loves you. I feel really bad for you, as I've been through this myself many years ago. It's going to take a lot of time for you to heal. And when you start to see things more clearly, I think you'll start to resent Tom for taking advantage of your vulnerable state, because you ARE vulnerable right now. What he's doing is foolish and not right. He tried to help you and got himself into a big mess that won't end well. I'm also sorry to say that neither of you truly love each other. You probably totally disagree with that, but that's okay. In my experience, I got out of a really bad relationship and it helped falling for someone who understood what I was going through and told me I deserved better, blah, blah... I'm sure part of him really wanted to help me, but we got involved sexually. He was rebound #1, but he was also a player with other girls on the side. Then there was a rebound #2 who knew I was wounded emotionally, and confessed his love in week when we were traveling together as 'friends.' I think he was more in love with the way he could put a smile on my face, despite what I'd gone through. THEN I was back together with my terrible ex for half a year. I eventually fell for the next "hero" who was there to protect me once my relationship also turn violent. I dated rebound #3 for 7 months until I realized all these rebounds happened in part because I was so messed up and desperate for a way out of a really bad relationship. I was angry at men for a long time even though I truly thought rebound #3 was 'the one' until one day... I knew as much as he wanted to help, what I really needed was to heal internally instead of jump from guy to guy to feel alright. I literally lost interest in rebound #3 overnight. I needed to be alone in order for that to happen. And I did heal, but I also went to therapy for a long time. It's never easy to come out of an abusive relationship, and there is a reason you're clinging on to this new guy who you think is the greatest thing in the world. Look at what you came out of?! But please don't let him suck you into his foolishness. He's truly not the right person to lean on. What you likely need is professional help and to call on your friends as much as possible. Tell them your story and have others to confide in instead of just Tom. Trust me, other people want to help you and won't judge you nearly as much as you think!! Best of luck!!! I hope you find the help you need to move forward!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): Sorry, but "Tom" was just using your relationship issues with your bf to get into YOUR pants, so you cant even trust a word from him about whats best for you. Besides if he thinks your so amazing, which im sure you are, why hasnt he left his gf? LEAVE HIM AND GO HAVE FUN WITH A SINGLE GUY!
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 He has a girlfriend and he is cheating on her with you, is that what you want for yourself in the future, to be cheated on by him. I would advise you find someone who is worthy of your love and move on. Good Luck
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