A
female
age
,
*oppysky
writes:I started seeing my bf sept 2012 .in August 2013 I found him out in a lie about what he was doing due to tbis he confessed that in october 2012 he had been with this other woman on at least 4 occasions and had got her pregnant he wanted her to have an abortion but she refused . Her history on carrying was poor and had suffered miscarriage times before. He said he didnt tell me in case this happened but she went full term and they have a daughter born two days before I even knew anything. She has since told me that it was o ly sex and she wishes she could say it wasn't his. He says he regret what he did and is truly sorry. He is paying for the child and is setting up a trust fund for her he says he will have contact how much I don't know. I oobviously went mad finished it the works I was so upset and angry I felt like our whole time together was for nothing He aaked me to give him a chance so I have beem trying to live with the mess but it eats into me every day I take it out on him as he causes it all. To top it its his best friends wedding in2014 and he is best man and he has told me that on past stag parties he and his mayes go tp lap dacimg bars and go with prostitutes he went with 3 and he had a girlfriend back home. So I told him I didnt think he shpuld go under our situation and he should tell his friend who by the way covered for him with the pregnancy. He has said to me its a bitter pill to swallow that is what I said when he wanted this chance. I want to start 2014 off feeling better itseither make or break.???
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female
reader, Poppysky +, writes (18 December 2013):
Poppysky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you readers for your advice it co nfirms all that I think and feel yes Iit has been so disappointing to me but I can not waste more time he hurt me so much I still hurt now it will never go away I have to end this for my sanity I will keep you posted thanks again.
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (18 December 2013):
This situation is of his own doing and nothing to do with you.He cheated behind your back and will now be legally and financially responsible for his offspring.Do you want that hanging over your relationship?and when he visits will he be having sex as well?.Dump the cheat now!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 December 2013):
 The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we can make other people change...we actually cannot.
He's a cheat and a liar and you think that by imposing 'sanctions' you can make it with him??
You have to ask yourself why you are with such a low life?
What is it about him that makes you cling on?
Loneliness? The thought that you may not meet someone else?
If you do stay with him then you have to accept all his faults and misery making because you cannot moan about it when you know in your heart that it will never be any different.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): What a mess. You know you can't trust this man. You are so much better off without him. I would let him go to his stag party, and anything else he plans to do - and get on with your own life without him. He's got a character flaw that isn't going away any time soon. His actions, his consequences. Be grateful you are not the one now bringing an unwanted child into the world by him. I would trust your instincts on this one and gracefully back out (as you did) and block contact (which you have not yet had the courage to do).
I am sure you will be happier seeing 2014 in with close friends, single and unencumbered, knowing you are being true to yourself.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): You can't play over-seer, and warden over your boyfriend.
He made a mistake, he got caught. You magnanimously forgave him and tried to move on. Cheating is a tough enough pill to swallow; but when a child is produced, that's a hell of a lot more reality to digest. The child is an innocent and blameless player. Still a constant recurring character in your drama. With the child, comes the mother. Much worse.
Forgiveness is a good thing. It cleanses and frees the soul.
You allow yourself to move forward. That's been done. I commend you. It's a rare and bold thing.
However; this guy has destroyed your trust. Emotionally, he has pushed you beyond human limitations. Forgiveness does not require that you blindly excuse and ignore the damage someone has done to you. It does not mean you remain in a continued relationship with your transgressor. If their presence brings only more suffering, you remove them from your life.
Letting go, detaching, and healing from a breakup is going to take a heavy toll on you emotionally. The sooner you start the process, the better. Being alone is better than the hell you're facing being with him. It's eating at you and it's going to make you ill. Enough!!!
At our age, leaving the security and safety of being in a relationship is a scary undertaking. Holding on to something not good for you, is self-destructive behavior.
Being alone sounds scary; but it is a better alternative than losing your mind and ending up in an institution; or developing cancer from persistent depression bought on by anxiety. Your mind and body can only take so much abuse.
Opt for life, freedom, and your sanity. You can always find another man. "He's made a mess of things!" Clean house, and start the New Year with healing and growing.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (18 December 2013):
 Poppysky,
You are right in your thinking and you always have been. You should not have given him a chance. Some people can go on after deception and cheating and having sex outside of the relationship, but it is more rare than common. You are not one of those people and you know it. Your feelings towards him are causing you to be hurtful to him and to pile on restrictions. You keep hoping that with a new rule and a new restriction that he will bring peace and trust to your heart. But your heart can't do that. Aside from that he still yearns for the freedom to play with others. How can anyone forgive him when he still has treason in his heart. If you want peace in 2014 you will have it without him.
FA
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