A
female
age
41-50,
*inkorswim
writes:My man is in a loveless marriage, and he's leaving his wife very soon. We've talked at length about this and he just doesn't want to be there anymore. He's not moving in with me, but finding his own place.I know when the shit hits the fan it'll be all my fault and I'll be classed as a home wrecker, and a whore probably?Just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar and can help me with the aftermath? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sinkorswim +, writes (15 October 2010):
sinkorswim is verified as being by the original poster of the question EWO
He's not been in his marriage for a long long time, say about 10 years!! I'm not here to argue the toss with you, but if I have to, I will.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 You keep saying you want some common sense advice and you've recieved it. Leave him alone until he's out of his marriage. One has to wonder why you refuse to do the right thing and butt out.
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female
reader, sinkorswim +, writes (13 October 2010):
sinkorswim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Anon writer
That has to be the best, most honest and informative answer I've had so far.
I'd like to tell you a bit more of the story.
The wife, was married before to a man that wanted kids, their marriage broke down because she didn't want any! Her husband now knew her before, during and after the break up of that marriage. They were friends that became something more.
She was always still adamant that she didn't want children till one night she came to him with a glass of champagne and said "congratulations you're going to be a dad". He'd never asked her for kids. The life that he'd planned for them both was gone.. He's not happy.
Who's the selfish one there?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 October 2010):
Sorry but I don't think this situation is the slightest bit grey. Right now he's married. Until he is UNmarried you should keep your mitt's off him. If you really want to have a future with him that is. A foundation of honor and integrity is a great thing to have in a relationship.
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female
reader, sinkorswim +, writes (6 October 2010):
sinkorswim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Juliefofulie
I'm just glad I'm not the only one who has ever been involved with a cheating man!
Tish Thankyou for clearing up EWO's direct and to the point answers.
EWO I too am a woman that calls a spade a spade. My life has always been black or white, I've never had grey areas in it before and this is one massive gray area.
I've had a good look through this site and you all mostly give sound common sense advice so thats why I asked for some.
Thankyou all x
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 October 2010):
Thank you LoveGirl. Unfortunately I leave a lot of pockmarks around the nail heads and usually need Tish to follow up with a translation. But thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): To Eyes wide Open, I hear exactly what you are saying. Your answers are real and you call a spade a spade or a homewrecker, a homewrecker??? You take no prisoners therfore I love reading your comments. You keep it real and you huit it oin the head every time. To the OP, if you take iffence to EWO's words how are you going to deal with the aftermath that you broke a home and helped destroy a union. Perhaps you need to search deep within yourself and find real answers to you affair. Whether he leaves his wife or not doesn't really matter. He is still an adulterer. What would he be once he hooks up officially with you?
-LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, juliefofulie +, writes (1 October 2010):
 sinkorswim, the aftermath is this: After his divorce, he will need some time to stand on his on and process the loss of his marriage. Yes, it was an unhappy one, but it's still a loss. Then the two of you will try to start a real, honest relationship. You may find that, with the dynamic changed, the relationship doesn't have the same steam it once did. You may go through a difficult adjustment period as a couple.Yes, you will be classified as a homewrecker and a whore. Maybe that means something to you, maybe it doesn't. But the reality is that it's a shaky way to start a relationship, and that really is what you two will be doing -- starting a new relationship with each other.There are, of course, so many different ways this could go. It could be all rainbows and kittens. But probably not. Google the statistics of how many men leave their wives for the other woman, and how many of those relationships work out. They're sobering numbers. I suspect you know the best course of action to take is to allow the two of them to end their marriage on their terms, and for him to come to you when it's over. Every day we wake up we get a new opportunity to right our wrongs, and live honestly. If you two love each other and work hard, you will make it over this obstacle. Maybe together, maybe separately.I wish I could say "stand by your man/love conquers all/down with the haters." But that's rarely, if ever, the reality. And yes, I speak from experience; and the aftermath in my situation summarily sucked. He fell into a deep depression after his divorce. Deep down he resented me for all the material things and change in lifestyle he'd lost, was scared of what his family thought about me, wondered what sort of woman would become involved with a married man, etc. As for me, I found the bottom line was that I would never trust him. Everything just sort of ended with one big giant whimper. I still think about him every day, and wish we would've done things differently.Hope this helps, sinkorswim. Take care of yourself right now and think about the Big Picture, hon.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 October 2010):
 I think Eyes is trying to point out that technically, as he hasn't left his wife, he's still a married man. He's not even legally separated at this point. Have you considered that you might be worrying about the wrong thing just now?
You're worried about what will happen WHEN he leaves his wife. It's possible that what you should be worried about is IF he actually leaves his wife. There's that whole action vs. word thing. Watch what he DOES, not what he says he is GOING to do.
I think AFTER he leaves his wife and moves out on his own, then you can worry about how the relationship between you two will become public. But right now, I think it's possible you've got the cart before the horse.
In the meantime, her advice about keeping apart from him may keep you from being branded a home-wrecker. If he leaves, THEN appears to get involved with you, will look a whole lot different than being involved with you already, and moving out as a result. It's what it looks like to people, you see, if that's what you are worried about.
A, then B, then C. Not C, then A, then B.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 October 2010):
Legally they are man and wife, You are not included. If you want to be a class act you will wait until he is a free man and means leaving him alone until then. And by the way there is a heap of difference between "leaving his wife" and "left his wife".
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female
reader, sinkorswim +, writes (1 October 2010):
sinkorswim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEyeswideopen Again your answer really isn't that helpful. This is meant to be an advice site is it not? If you don't have any, don't comment. He certainly doesn't belong to me nor his wife, he's his own person not a possesion.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 October 2010):
Well he isn't YOUR man. Until he divorces his wife he belongs to her. It's called marriage and "let no man put asunder", that includes you.
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female
reader, sinkorswim +, writes (1 October 2010):
sinkorswim is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEyeswideopen your answer really isn't that helpful!
CaringGuy Thanks.
Like I said he's not leaving the wife to be with me he's leaving her because he no longer wants to be with her. Why should he live the rest of his life unhappy? They already sleep in separate bedrooms and have totally separate lives.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 September 2010):
Your first two words are an oxymoron in the context of a married man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): I really don't understand how people find it OKAY to be with married men.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (30 September 2010):
 It all depends on his reasoning for leaving his marriage. If he's leaving because he is unhappy and feels there is no chance to salvage his relationship with his wife, then fine. But if he's leaving specifically to be with you... this complicate things. Jumping from one relationship directly to another is bad for everyone... him, his wife, and you.
I would suggest encouraging him to focus more on leaving his marriage for the right reasons. Granted, I know you love him and you want him for yourself... but in the end you should be doing what is best for him. If leaving his wife is best for him, then he should definitely get his own place as you have already mentioned... but also, you two should take it slow. He needs to re-establish his own identity prior to jumping into another serious relationship.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 September 2010):
Thankfully, he's had the sense not to move in straight with you. That will make this a bit easier for you both. Basically, you'll just have to live with it and whatever people throw at you, take it gracefully. Hopefully, since he's not living with you, the damage won't be so great.
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