A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a committed relationship since 3 years and 7 months. The first 3 years we were in a LDR. Now we both stay in the same city.My bf sometimes behaves very badly with me because he feels that I control his life. I said its nothing like that.He has become a very difficult and hard to understand.A day before yesterday he said he wanted a break up and doesn’t want to stay with me. I cried and asked why. He said nothing. I said wait let me come to your flat and discuss. He said don’t come here else I will hit you with my shoes. I thought he said in anger and so I still went to the flat.I tried to convince him thrice. Then he suddenly threw me on the floor and he bitted me very badly with his legs. He kicked me with his legs on my chest and legs. He lives with 7 flatmates and they saved me. Not only this he even threw my cell phone and all the gifts which I gave to him.I was depressed. The next to next morning he called, he was a bit drunk and said that he was really ashamed of his acts and he shouldn’t have done that.He even said that I don’t expect u to come back.Then begged me and said to meet. I met him and he said please you also hit me or give me hard punishment.I said him to tell his parents about our relation and also what he did to me. He said ok.We were alone in the room and we became emotional and had sex (2times!).He even put medicines on my wound kissed it and said sorry. He kissed my feet, bowed his head and said sorry.Now he has gone to his home and he said I can’t tell my parents now as m just a student. They might stop me from talking to you. Please understand the situation.He said I just said on that day to make the situation light!It's making me feel very bad. Will he improve? What to do? Breaking up is not possible because somewhere I know that day it wasn’t he. But now he is not ready to bear the punishment. Should I change the punishment? Or is it ok?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 An extremely loyal man who beat you so badly that he had to be physically restrained?
Oh dear.
I'm fearful for your safety.
No society is violence free. However, we do have the option to choose to avoid people whom we know for a fact are prone to violence.
Your boyfriend has demonstrated that he is willing and able to kick and hurt you.
That is not love. That is abuse.
He is an abusive person.
Wishful thinking will not change that.
You deserve better treatment than that. That is the point that CindyCares was making.
Was your mother beaten?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindy cares
india has changed.mind your language before speaking.he is changing and dont tell me that your country is violence free.i will never come to this site.it sucks.what do u mean by my mentality girl???uh??
relationship is not a joke.not like you people,had sex and left.you are saying this because you cant love a person that much.i love him and he has changed.he has confessed to his parents.he has confessed to the whole world.what else?
he is extremely loyal and i love him no matter what.goodbye dear cupid.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Dear OP, you seem to miss an important point.
So : often " once a cheater always a cheater". But, 99% of times " once an abuser always an abuser ".
Suppose though that he was the 1% one time offender : one time is one time too much !!
If you date a guy and he rapes you, what do you do, do you give him another chance ?!- because you feel sure that he won't ever do it again ? Who cares : he DID IT . He crossed a line that cannot ever be crossed.
Sorry to bring up India again, it's not that I have anything against India, but facts are facts : do you know that India is the fourth most dangerous place for women in the whole entire planet ? (after Afghanistan, Congo and Pakistan )in terms of sexual and physical abuse perpetrated by males on females ?
That unluckily is also a product of YOUR mentality , of the mentality of women like you, with such a distorted idea of their own value , dignity and worth, and such a warped , deformed idea of " love "..This is not love, this is the Stockholm syndrome, in which the victim becomes morbidly and perversely attached to her tormentor. If it were love, it COULD not hurt you- at least physically !
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 February 2013):
"I want to change him with my love." Alas, the sad truth is that you can't change him. HE has to want to change. Beating you up, kicking you and having to be pulled off you by his housemates does not indicate a man who has any control over his anger.
You are a classic example of how women wind up in abusive relationships. You think your love, your devotion, will fix or cure him. It will not.
Please do not make that mistake, it could cost you your life.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2013):
 you cannot change someone. ONLY they can change themselves.
we can love someone with all our hearts and it won't change them as a person.
you are not in love with him... you are in love with what you WANT him to be. He is not that man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks all for your reply. actually i was thinking that people often say once a cheater is always a cheater but believe me m too loyal now and i cant ever think to cheat again.
so thats why m thinking that he will also never do it again.
can anyone tell me how to improve him?
if i leave him he will never change,he will even become worse.i want to change him with my love.
tell me how can i change?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 February 2013):
Cut him out of your life now. He's a violent man and you should never be in his presence again. Value yourself more and protect yourself, okay? He is a loser. So lose him.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (26 February 2013):
You cheated on him. He has violent tendencies. Now, what possibly could go wrong with this relationship?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2013):
just because you cheated 3 years ago does not give him the right to attack and beat you so badly it takes others to make him stop.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): He really is not a Boyfriend to be proud of.
He phoned you up a litle bit drunk the next morning. Typical abuser behavior.
Yet he had not been drinking, so he has no excuse, the day before when he did those nasty things, and including, "Not only this he even threw my cell phone and all the gifts which I gave to him."
That is typical abuser behavior.
IS it that you are waiting until you have black eyes, broken ribs and worse before you will call it abuse?
There is psychological abuse too. That spreads fear into the relationship.
So sad that you simply do not understand that he is an abuer..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni honestly respect all your answer.even i am not able to decide anything.he bitted me and let me tell you he was not drunk.but there's one more truth-i cheated him 3 years back,3 times.he forgave me everytime.he didnt shout much,neither abused.thinking of that i thought people sometimes do behave in an unexpected way because when i cheated on him even i was not in my senses.i dont realise how i didThese things are confusing me.is is that i love him so much and therefore i am not able to leave him?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Seven flatmates had to step in to save you?
How much worse could the beating have become if there had not been seven flatmates there, to stop him from abusing you even more?
Please accept the reality, this guy is bad news and will only get worse.
It is frightening that you do not comprehend the danger you are facing.
A man beating up his partner is not a loving man. Instead he is out of control.
The best thing you can do for your own self preservation is to please walk away from your abuser.
I really fear for your future if you will not face this reality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Did he really tell his parents about you. That is yet to be seen.
Why are you so desperate to put up with the way he treated you? You will make every excuse to go back to him as all abuse woman do.
Remember this is not the last of teh abuse but the begining of a life time of abuse. A man that has no respect for his girlfriend, what makes you think marriage (if he marries you) , will change anything?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 February 2013):
He DID threaten you , " come here and I will hit you with my shoes " IS a threat. Anyway that he threatened you or not would be irrelevant, since then actually he ended up with hitting you in a drunken rage .
" Is he still a bad person " ?... I have a hard time believing you are serious, - he HIT you ! He threw you on the floor ! You had to put medicine on your wounds !
He did it just once , OK - once is more than enough.
Considering too that so far , regardless of the violence, your relationship was not going well. He treats you badly, he has become difficult and hard to understand, he wanted to dump you, rather than discussing about your difficulties he told you " don't come or I'll hit you with my shoes "- as if he were talking to a DOG !
Come on, girl, haven't you got any self respect at all ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): I notice in your post that you said the following:
"He said don’t come here else I will hit you with my shoes"
It does not matter what he THREATENED to hit you with, the fact is that he did THREATE to hit you with an object.
The is unacceptable to threaten to hit you.
But worse than that he also DID KICK YOU.
Here is what you said:
"Then he suddenly threw me on the floor and he bitted me very badly with his legs. He kicked me with his legs on my chest and legs"
How can you ever trust a man who would throw you to the floor and kick you badly.????
Totally unacceptable behaviour
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand he didnt threatened to hit me.i dont why the moderator has written this title.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok he is still guilty and he even confessed to his parents.he listens to me now.he makes me happy.he is changing. i dont think its fake.he told his parents and his parents are going to talk with me.so is he still a bad person?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Girl, he is not going to change. That IS him, in fact that day he showed you his true colors. That is who he is, he is an angry violent man. No guy in his right mind no matter how upset he is would do that. You are not dealing with a normal guy. This guy will do it again, it is who he is. He probably has some severe mental issues. You are lucky his roommates were there to save you. The person who should have protected you was your boyfriend. But he was the one who did everything in his nature to hurt you. That is not love. You are playing with fire. When you play with fire you are bound to get burned. If he could do that to you, he also is capable of taking your life. And calling his parents isn't going to do much good. I mean where do you think he learned this violent behavior from? Guarantee you from his own family. Instead of encouraging him to tell his parents, why don't you tell yours so they can help you get the hell away from this monster.
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A
female
reader, Makayla5893  +, writes (25 February 2013):
He will do it again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Move on and find a real man who doesn't abuse women
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 February 2013):
He is NOT going to improve. All he will do is get more skilled at HURTING you. Yes, to protect yourself you MUST leave him. Domestic Violence is always unacceptable. Women all over the world are killed by abusive men who claim to "love" the woman they beat up and sometimes kill.
Imagine marrying a man who then continues to beat you and even beat your children? Not worth it, not at all.
You may have very low Self esteem so you are willing to forgive him and find excuses for his unacceptable behaviour.
He's not only threatened you. He has actually hurt you. Once you forgive him and go back to him he will abuse you again. But each time the abuse will get more serious.
for your life preservation you need to stop seeing this abuser and cut him out of your life.
India is not the only country where this happens. a Minority of men are abused by women. But most domestic abuse is committed by men.
Domestic Abuse is INEXCUSABLE and is completely UNACCEPTABLE.
here are some links to access and some things to read to try to convince you, for your own safety, that you must stop seeing this ABUSIVE ABUSER.
INDIA
http://www.indianchild.com/domestic_violence_in_india.htm
There is a really good diagram to explain that Domestic abuse is a cycle (that will only get worse). The diagram is below. And it talks about the “honeymoon” period during the abuse. That is a well-known part of the domestic abuse cycle.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
Why the honeymoon part of the abuse cycle is a danger and foretells of more abuse to come:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
And other countries do have Domestic Abuse Hotlines to help people get away from their ABUSER.
USA
In USA? Phone Hotline at 1-800-799-7233
The National Domestic Violence Hotline in USA
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/
http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/facts.htm
UNITED KINGDOM
In UK? Phone 0844 8044 999
National Centre for Domestic Violence in the United Kingdom
http://www.ncdv.org.uk/
Help for MEN subject to domestic abuse by a FEMALE ABUSER.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic-violence-men-abused-by-women.htm
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Hi, you are being used for sex. You are just a sleeping partner and he treats you like a doormat. He has no intention of telling his parents about you and he does not think you are marriage material.The above is harsh but you know this or why would you ask him to tell his parents about you.What are you waiting for, when he tells you he is getting married to the girl his parents arranged or he finds another woman to have sex and beat around. Wake up and smell the coffee, you are just sex to him, therefore he feels he can kick and boot you around and you will stay for more.After everything I have said, you probably want to still believe in a fairy tale and stick around because even after he humiliated you in front of friends you still want to believe you are special to him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 February 2013):
Yeah, that's another thing, he won't tell his parents now...and guess what, the reason could be that he won't tell them EVER, because he is going to get along with the arranged marriage they'll organize for him, I mean, it would not be that strange in your country , right ?, 80 percent of all marriages are still arranged. So, it's not paranoid to think he may be just using you for fun and stringing you along, it's a distinct possibility. But, that's noit really relevant, what's relevant is that he kicked you in your chest once and once is one time too many. If you have an ounce of self respect, do not ever give him the possibility to do it again. And talking about respect, please do not illude yourself this is " love " - this is infatuation, love is also based on mutual respect. He clearly does not respect you at all , and if YOU can still respect him after what he's done, ah well, then you are really asking for trouble .
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 February 2013):
No, he will not improve. And yes, this IS the real him, i.e. he is a man who's got in himself the capacity and will to hit a woman. Of course he won't do it every single day, he will only do it if he's angry, or drunk etc..., so ? there are men- most of them, thank God - that would never ever hit a woman no matter what, no matter how drunk or angry etc.etc. So yes, that's part of the real him, he most probably will never improve, and, even if he improves in, say , one year or two ? ... Before that he would have had all the time to send you to the hospital or even to kill you.
In your country now people are clamouring and protesting in millions in the streets against violence toward women, which has become a HUGE,pervasive problem in your society , and you want to excuse it, tolerate it, justify it ? ... You are doing a very bad service not only to yourself and your future happiness, but also to millions of Indian girls like you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionnow m also confused.he promised that he will make me happy but he said he just cant tell his parents now.
i dont know but i love him so much.i just cant get him out of my mind.
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A
female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (25 February 2013):
 No, he will not improve. He will only get worse. Trust me, you came on this website for solid advice and it is usually from people who have experienced the same things and have been through these types of situations, me being one of them. I have been with an abusive boyfriend and for you to accept him back into your life and forgive him tells him that he can get away with hurting you. The beating will be even worse the next time and just think there might not be anyone around to save you. You should have called the police. LEAVE HIM NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 February 2013):
 wow, you need to get rid of this guy. and quick. he abused you. that's NEVER acceptable, no matter how drunk. being intoxicated is never an excuse to shove someone on the ground and start kicking them.
you can try and justify his behavior all you want, but the bottom line is that you need to remove him from your life. he could have seriously hurt you. thank god his roommates were there to intervene.
do you need to change the punishment? NO. dump him.
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