A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so I am 21 years old. I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now. Let me first say that she is a great girl. She sweet, funny, loyal, worships the ground I walk on and would follow me anywhere. And so would I. But the problem I'm having with her is how lazy and messy she is. We have been living together for about 8 months. (We moved in very very fast). We have no kids. We moved in because I had a nice apartment in a very nice area and she lived with her parents.So she moved in with me. The apartment we have is brand new, all new appliances and granite countertops etc. anyway, she is behaving like a slob!!! She does nothing!!! She recently got her first FULLTIME job as Security for a grocery store. Pays well, but isn't that physically demanding. I work for a commercial passenger airline, and my job is non stop physical. I work full time as well swing shift. I come home every night, and dinner is never made. If she promises to make dinner, I come home and it's not done. And then she blames it on me saying that I didn't let her know when I would be home when I'm home every day at 11pm on the dot. She comes home from work at about 8pm, and plops on the couch and watches her TV show. She doesn't even take the dog out to go potty. When I ask her to do something, it is never done. She won't clean unless I'm cleaning alongside with her. When on my days off I clean every surface of the apartment. She comes home and judges my cleaning standard.When I confront her about not cleaning she gets angry and says its my Fault that I didn't do somthing or that I didn't remind her. For example as a test I asked her to empty the garbage. She said she will do it. I asked every day for 5 days. Finally I got angry and i took it out myself. She got mad and said that she was going to do it. And then starts crying because I raise my voice. So now there's always dirty dishes, dirty clothes, dirty carpets, dirty counters, tables. And side tables. She just is the messiest person I have ever known and I can't stand it. She's just so lazy. She just expects me to feel bad for her because she works 40 hours a week, inside a store. When I work 50+ hours, in all elements outside, Doing all chores of aircraft ground service. She's just not a team player. What can I do? Talking doesn't help, yelling doesn't help, making a list doesn't help. I can't stand living in a pig stye anymore and I can't keep the apartment clean on my own now as there are two people making the mess, not just me. I need her to be a team player and contribute more and not be such a lazy slob.Oh and on her days off, she sits on the couch litterally all day, in her pjs. And eats all day. She has gained a bunch of weight. And I come home and the couch is litterally covered in plates and napkins and cups and magazines and I have to make dinner and take the dog out because its "too cold". I'm so tired of this trouble . HelpPlease?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Next time when you ask her to do something, whether it is taking out the trash or cooking dinner, and she says OK, follow up with asking her WHEN she will do it. Make her commit to giving you a specific time frame - will she take out the trash tomorrow or next friday? Will she cook dinner tonight or next week? Ask her to name a specific day that she will do it, don't settle for some vague response like "whenever I have the time" or "whenever the trash is full". Once she verbally commits to doing it, if that day comes and goes and it's not done you have more of a right to get angry because it will be more black and white that she's in the wrong. Otherwise it gives her too much room to argue that she "was going to do it but you did it first so you're not giving me a chance". don't let her blame her lack of responsibility on you.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Here you have described the traits of a lazy person in the making and a sloth to date. Although given her age and inexperience in this domestic area I’ll submit to a little flexibility.My question is; what was the example set by her parents? It’s easy enough to remain a child when Mothers generally pick up after their children… Hence there’s no growing up involved or required by them!? If so, this role now becomes your responsibility! It’s also a clever skill; that a lazy person has. That is; leave it long enough and the other person will fix it!“…they will shift their responsibility skilfully onto another person so that they can carry on with their lazy ways.”Since I am all too familiar with this subject with counselling; I would suggest reading/googling the traits of a lazy person etc. and discover what personality type you’re dealing with; is laziness a trait or a learned behaviour? In counselling you’d be asked to lower your standards and for her to raise hers to create a happy medium. However, with a lazy person this will be ‘very short lived’ as it’s a trait = dismal results and future. If it’s a learned behaviour then the person can be taught another way = positive results.Take CareCAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): I get why you are frustrated, but I also get why she isn't willing to help out more either. The way you have written it sounds like you are demanding that she does stuff instead of asking. That would totally put me off doing anything, particularly since you are both working full time. I personally would be a bit pissed if I worked all day then was expected to stay up to cook my boyfriend dinner because he was getting back a bit later. Have you thought that maybe she is getting a bit depressed at the fact living together is no fun? I like a tidy house too, but if you are both working so hard it doesn't have to be spotless all the time. You need to sort out a rota where you both have chores to do, and try to compromise a bit more. Everything shouldn't have to be done on your schedule because you say so.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): This is a no brainer. Dump her now. As bad as she is now she will be a lot worse if you decide to marry her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2013):
 does she have any limitations such as ADHD?
I'm very ADHD and I often don't SEE the mess. or I lose track of the time.
my husband is OCD and both of us have had to learn to compromise... OCD people don't do well with ADHD folks, we are like the opposite ends of the spectrum.... he notices everything and I notice NOTHING.
At first it was INSANE with us together.... but we compromised on things.
Thing 1 because we could afford it we hired a maid.... they only come every other week but they do the heavy stuff.... now I just have to wipe counters and wipe out sinks and run the swiffer once in a while.
IF you can afford a maid... make it so.
Thing 2 LISTS.... LOTS of lists.... does she know how to clean? I had to learn.... I found the books by Jeff Campbell and THE CLEAN TEAM (as well as their tools and supplies) VERY helpful to learn how to clean and clean well and clean fast.
If she does not like to clean alone... do it together when you are both home.. make lists divide the chores... Jeff's books explain how. Our maids do it the way he suggests... one does all the "wet" work and one does the dry... it takes two women under 2 hours to clean my 3 story 4 bathroom house..... I do it alone it takes me 6....
Do you call her when you get off work and say "sweetie pie, I just got off my shift, I'm walking to the car I'll be home in 30 minutes...what's for dinner? I can't wait."
also sit down on Sundays and PLAN the meals for the week... crock pots are good... i find now that making dinner is very very hard as my husband is a lousy picky eater and I hate cooking for him because he criticizes everything I make....
btw on my days off I often sit on the couch and watch tv in my jammies... I did it saturday.... all day.... then went to bed... of course my hubby slept till dinner time... some of us just need more down time than others...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Sit her down and make a chore list for each of you, hang it on the fridge.
That is what I do with my kids and they DO their chores. (of course there is no allowance if they don't, so they do have that to motivate them).
Find a book on crock pot meals & buy a crock pot. That way you (both of you) can cook meals that slowly cooks all day.
If she can't get off her ass, tell her she needs to find a place of her own.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Wow. Yea end of the road. Dont tolerate this. End this relationship.
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A
female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (25 February 2013):
 I can totally relate to this situation. I moved into my boyfriend's home quickly and it ended on bad terms. I will be the first to admit I can be a bit messy at times and the guy I lived with was an OCD neat freak. Needless to say we clashed all the time. Why don't you guys plan meals a week in advance so that way you are guaranteed to have dinner every night. What is wrong with fixing dinner on your own though...? I understand that wanting to come home and have dinner waiting on you mentality but your girlfriend works too. Just because your work is more laborious than hers doesn't mean she's not beat and tired at the end of the day too. You two need to communicate MORE, tell her exactly what you need from her. Lay your foot down, you were kind enough to invite her to live with you in the first place. If she is trashing your brand new place, hell I would be pissed too. If this means "raising your voice" than so be it. That might be unfortunately the only way for her to realize "hey I may not be contributing to the household chores like I should" and will influence her to pitch in more. COMMUNICATE with this girl. If she does not show any improvement in the slightest then ask her to move out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Why don't you read the answers to my question I had a few hours ago....Our situations are sort of similar but reversed since my boyfriends have been lazy and gaining weight...
Th answers I got were helpful, please look at them
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-can-i-do-to-prevent-my-boyfriends.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Tell her to move out. You can still continue to be bf /gf but not live together. She lived with her parents and probably didn't have to lift a finger cos her mom probably did all the cooking and cleaning. So ask her to move out but explain you're not breaking up with her you simply do not want to share your living space with her because she isn't doing her fair share. Don't let her insist she is, tell her that the time is past to talk about whether she is doing her share or not, and now you simply want her out of your apartment. You moved in too fast without knowing each other so its possible you're incompatible in terms of lifestyle but without the benefit of a years-long solid foundation of a relationship neither partner can find it within themselves to want to make changes to accommodate the other.
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