A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, and wow I cannot believe I'm asking the internet for advice but here it goes:A few days ago [maybe even a week] I met this fantastic guy. Thing is, he is a bit older than I am and already has a girl friend. Here are the problems with their relationship:- She lives in another state. She also has a two year old son that isn't his. When she talks about the future, she only refers to her and her son, and the boyfriend is NEVER included.- He feels as if it's a one sided relationship because she never does anything for him. For her friend's birthday, she spent 300 dollars for a cake, but for his birthday, all he got was a text.- She doesn't visit him on the holidays and he can never go visit her because she's always busy. He doesn't want to interfere or seem needy, so he agrees on another holiday, but it's been ongoing for a year now. So, as you can see, I really think that she doesn't deserve him. THOUGH he still stays with her, so there's no doubt in my mind that she is special to him in some way or another - something I don't think I can compete with.But I'm so completely smitten with him. We were going to meet later on this month, and I really honestly do think I might give my virginity to him and go further than actual the occasional flirt-friendship. But he has warned me about falling love. He wants nothing to do with it, yet he's offering sex.I know he seems like a bad person, but I really don't know what to do with these overwhelming feelings. I can't tell if I'm sexually frustrated or something else.. And I'm not going to sleep with him to get a higher up on his girlfriend who barely sees him, I don't stoop that low. I just want the closeness. I really do. Something that only him and I share.Because in some way, I guess it will make him mine. Even if just by a quarter.Oh I don't know what to do. Help please, before I go insane from my heart.
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female
reader, Emaz help  +, writes (26 November 2009):
 This will be hard but basically i think you should stop talking to him. The feelings will go after a while and nipping it in the bud now will stop any worse heartache after he's used you, took your virginity and gone back to his gf. Their relationship troubles shouldn't make you want to get with him! He's got a gf and can you imagine how she will feel if she found out? Please don't put yourself in danger over something stupid. If she really treated him that badly then i'm sure he'd leave, and if he doesn't then it's obvious that he loves her. Your virginity isn't something to just give to anyone....trust me, i learnt the hard way and wouldn't advice it at all. You never know, he could be making this stuff up about his gf just to make you feel sorry for him and get you into his bed.
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (26 November 2009):
 You'll only end up getting used for sex. That's all he wants from you, and he's even made it clear to you directly that sex is all he's after. It's never going to turn into something more, so don't delude yourself with hopes that you'll someday mean more to him than a friend with benefits. It's his choice to stay with his girlfriend, and he's far from being the victim, as he seems to like to play. Get as far away from him as you can.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 November 2009):
No he's not fantastic! He's a total cheat. Run a mile, or you will get really hurt. You don't want to look back and realize you gave your virginity to some cheat. He isn't fantastic, he is a user of women. and you're already falling for him, so you'll get hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): Sorry to be blunt dear....butttt the first time has to be real, anything else will scar you for life.
Find someone who will be with you
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (26 November 2009):
 I guess I don't really understand what you see in this guy. I know you give reasons why she isn't a 'good girlfriend', but you have to understand that there are two sides to every story. You are just listening to his complaints, which could be completely bias and, well...wrong. I mean how good of a boyfriend can he be if he is looking for sex on the side? All the while his girlfriend is so far away with a kid and everything, and he wants to cheat with you? I mean, come on. Not a good guy at all.
And I don't know why you are thinking about giving up your virginity to him. You talk about how you are in love with him, but love is a gradual thing that can't really develop unless it is returned. I think you are infatuated and attracted to him, but don't confuse yourself into thinking you are in love.
I really really really think you are going to regret this one. You always remember who your first was. Always. Do you really want it to be with a guy who cheated on his girlfriend and really had no respect for you? Men who respect women don't cheat and they don't string other girls along for a quick romp in the sack. When he has sex with you, do you know that's all it's going to be? Maybe he'll continue to ask for more sex, but that's all the attention you're going to get from him. There will be no love and no commitment, and he'll never leave his girlfriend for you. Why would he? He can just get from you what he wants already. It doesn't sound like a loving relationship. He's using you, and I would think that you'd want to save your first time for someone who really cares about you.
Please don't waste your time on men who cheat and use women. You regret it. And this is a big big biiig regret. He isn't a good person to be around, and I would find someone who isn't taken and is worth your time. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (26 November 2009):
I guess I don't really understand what you see in this guy. I know you give reasons why she isn't a 'good girlfriend', but you have to understand that there are two sides to every story. You are just listening to his complaints, which could be completely bias and, well...wrong. I mean how good of a boyfriend can he be if he is looking for sex on the side? All the while his girlfriend is so far away with a kid and everything, and he wants to cheat with you? I mean, come on. Not a good guy at all.
And I don't know why you are thinking about giving up your virginity to him. You talk about how you are in love with him, but love is a gradual thing that can't really develop unless it is returned. I think you are infatuated and attracted to him, but don't confuse yourself into thinking you are in love.
I really really really think you are going to regret this one. You always remember who your first was. Always. Do you really want it to be with a guy who cheated on his girlfriend and really had no respect for you? Men who respect women don't cheat and they don't string other girls along for a quick romp in the sack. When he has sex with you, do you know that's all it's going to be? Maybe he'll continue to ask for more sex, but that's all the attention you're going to get from him. There will be no love and no commitment, and he'll never leave his girlfriend for you. Why would he? He can just get from you what he wants already. It doesn't sound like a loving relationship. He's using you, and I would think that you'd want to save your first time for someone who really cares about it
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 November 2009):
 He seems like a bad person, and yet you are still considering it.
Take a sharp knife from the kitchen, lay your hand on the table and position the knife point down above your hand. Now ram it down as hard as possible impaling your hand.
Can't? Don't want to hurt yourself on purpose?
Continue with this guy and the only difference is that the knife is aimed at your heart.
You had your warning, either take it or accept the consequences.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): From just reading the headline: he's a manwhore.
And now I read the rest and he's still a manwhore. And you are naive and a bit dumb if thats not too offensive. He goes ranting on about his relationship issues to you? If its so horrible, he can leave her, he's not even married to this woman. Clearly, he wants nothing but sex from you, and isnt that also exactly what he told you? He's just colouring his gf black to get into your pants. And why would you trust him so blindly? You dont know the truth behind the relationship with this woman. Perhaps she didnt give him a birthday gift because she was upset he'd already cheated on her with other girls.
Oh yes thats right, you are probably not the only woman he wishes to sleep around with behind his girlfriends back. He might be special to you, but you mean nothing to him. So little he doesnt even care that he'll take your virginity.
Save your heart the crap he'll bring with him and move on before this goes any further. It wont be easier leaving after you've already had sex with him. If you want to have this guy, this guy that you KNOW has no moral stands against cheating, sleeping with him wont make him yours. That'll just give him what he wants: a girlfriend and a mistress on the side. And who knows how many other mistresses he already has.
Not to even mention you're not legal yet.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009):
He is telling you out loud that he will not give you a relationship. Listen to him here: His words are saying one thing, but his actions are saying . . . the exact same goddamn thing.
HE IS NOT OFFERING A RELATIONSHIP.
He is "offering" you the great service of getting sex from you while cheating on his GF. Plenty of single guys on the planet would "offer" you this without backstabbing someone else in the process.
And how do you really know his GF is so bad like you say? Because this is what he told you? (What, do you think a man won't lie to you to get you into the sack?) Maybe he's telling it exactly like it is or maybe he's playing you. Or maybe it's a conbination of the two. Distortion of the situation is a time-honored way for guys to get another girl without breaking up with the first girl.
Right now you are probably reminding yourself that Im an anonymous voice on the internet. I don't know him and I'm just being cautious. I'm jaded. I'm giving you the "safe" advice.
Wrong. I'm telling you that everything you describe really does sound like the description of a weasel. It sounds like he is weaseling you into bed behind his GF's back. Maybe he doesn't believe a word of what he is saying, or maybe he partially believes it. But it doesn't matter because that "partial" is where it will stay. That includes him not giving you more than sex.
This is a hard lesson that millions of teenage girls have to learn the hard way. You can't fuck a man into a relationship. In fact you can't even fuck him into caring about you at all. Either he does or he doesn't want to be something with you, the sex will not affect it. Men and women do not have the same chemistry in the brain when it comes to sex. There are BIOLOGICAL reasons that he will not be having the same bonding experience as you're having from sex together.
He is telling you this won't lead to anything. He's right. Although it will probably lead to your own heartbreak.
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