A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend 6 months.I love him and we get on well, apart from the fact that his insecurity and need to overcompensate is killing the relationship.I need someone to help me understand it all.My boyfriend is someone who tries too hard all the time. If I'm in a bad mood, he won't just leave me be as I've requested, he'll spend the rest of the evening trying to cheer me up, which annoys me as he doesn't listen to what I've asked.He makes alot of money and often will buy me very expensive gifts, which I have asked him not to do. For special occasions, fine, but I'm very independant and I end up feeling like he owns me or something. He's just one of these guys who's insecure and smothers, and I can't take it any more. We've had countless discussions (never arguements) about how it makes me feel, and it's now got to the point where I'm not enjoying the relationship, I don't look forward to seeing him, and our sex life has severely suffered because of it all.I just feel like he doesn't listen to me when I tell him how it all makes me feel, it doesn't change for very long.My family say I'm being ungrateful but I just want an equal relationship!What do I do? I don't want to break up, I want to fix this!
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female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (20 July 2009):
Did you give a time limit of how long you wanted?If not, then tell him how long you need and ask him to respect that. If you have given a specific amount of time, and he disregards it, then tell him that what he is doing is exactly the reason why you are considering ending it. Maybe you could offer to send him a few text messages during the break for reassurance, you would have to let him know that you would only be doing this to reassure him and that you don't want him to respond as it defeats the purpose of having a break. You could suggest to him that during the time away, he may like to think about the things you have said to him. How he doesn't listen and respect you and suggest he look at what the underlying causes for this are for him. Does he not feel worthy to have a relationship, does he feel as though he may lose you because he has low self esteem. It could be a great time of reflection for him. The panic and smothering is his fear of losing you. He needs to let go and let the relationship flow as it is meant to. I'm afraid that if he doesn't respect you with this, then he's just not able to take responsibility and look at his own fears etc.. You could suggest some counselling for him if he is open to it. Another approach, which is how I would deal with it, is that you don't take a break. Stay connected to him and keep discussing things with him, reassure him and take it from the angle that he has previous hurts and self esteem issues that have nothing to do with you. You could offer to support to him and when he smothers you, at that point, ask him what he is feeling and work through it together. I don't know how much you love this person yet it is in my opinion that true love accepts people for who they are and supports people when they are feeling insecure, hurt etc... knowing that it is just a stage they are going through and that with your support you can work it out. Me personally, if I really love someone for who they are inside, I would support them with their insecurities. We all have insecurities, and I know what I need when I'm feeling insecure. If someone withdrawers from me or rejects me when I am vulnerable with them about an insecurity it breaks trust for me and blocks intimacy and my ability to be rela with them. I believe being able to be completely myself with my partner is what it means to be in a good healthy relationship - to lay myself open and have that person accept me and still love me. If I am rejected, then that is one of my signs that they are not right for me. The issues need to be dealt with, not avoided and it is this understanding that really builds strong relationships. Don't kid yourself in thinking that you don't have any insecurities as it is part of being human. How would you want to be treated if you were feeling insecure? this will tell you want he needs. There could be some reflection you could do with yourself, such as your fears of emotional intimacy. What makes you scared when someone shows the real them? their insecurities? What are the feelings that go on for you? I don't know if I have been of any help, I guess you'll have to determine how much you love him, really want it to work and how much you are prepared to support him through this time. If he receives your support and the true issues are dealt with, he may well be a very suited partner. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe had a long chat, basically I told him it;s make or break point - I've gotten to breaking point with all the smothering.
I told him that we've had this discussion numerous times, but I do need it to change - or we'll end up going our seperate ways.
He agreed to a break, told me to take as much time as I needed...4 days later he was texting and calling me.
We'd agreed to give each other space with no contact so we could think...And yet again he disregards how I feel, just refuses to even give me a weeks space.
I don't know what to do.
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (12 July 2009):
I suggest that you ask him how he feels when you speak about your feelings and issues within the relationship.
I bet he's scared of intimacy (hearing how you really feel), talking about real things and feelings within the relationship, because by being this real, it is scary for him.
It is also important that if he tells you how he feels that you listen and accept what he says just as you wish the same from him.
When you bring up something you are unhappy about, I wonder if he feels inadequate and not good enough for you and because of these feelings, he gets scared about you leaving him. It seems as though he believes a healthy relationship never has issues and if it does, it will end and he will be rejected.
It might be useful to tell him that you're not going to like everything about him and he's not going to like everything about you and that's ok and doesn't mean you're not right for each other, it's part and parcel of a healthy relatiuonship.
Also, mentioning that you won't leave him because of these issues as you would have left already if that was the case and that it's important for you to be able to discuss and resolve issues with your partner as that is the determining factor as to whether you can be with him and that the aim of discussing these things is so you can stay together.
I wonder if in his mind, he thinks that his partner must be happy at all times and that it's his job to do that so as to avoid being rejected. If she is unhappy, then she will leave him.
Mentioning that all relationships have problems, all people in relationships get bored, all people in relationships get unhappy at times and that's part of life and not because you want to end it with him. Also how it is not his responsibility to make you happy, it is yours and you are taking responsibility for that by trying to talk to him and sort it out with him as an adult.
It is important that he understands that the success to any relationship is to be able to resolve the problems that come up, not avoid them and pretend they are not there. It is also important that he knows that for you to want to stay with him you need to be heard and you need him to work with you on the issues within your relationship and if he is not going to listen to you then the issue will not get sorted out and this will be what ends the relationship.
It would also be wise that he knows that you are not going to leave him because of who he is, and reassure him that you love who he is and that the issues are about the way he behaves and his panic and avoidance of resolving issues.
It would also be helpful if he understands how he being able to hear your concerns, listen to you and make the necessary changes with you without fearing that you will leave him, you would have no need to leave.
Mentioning things that you like about him and the reasons why you want to stay with him would be a good start to the conversation. Starting with a compliment, speaking about the issue, then ending with a compliment is a good approach.
If he does listen then emphasize this, give him a compliment and say that's what I want and because you have listened and heard me, I now feel valued and that our relationship has hope.
When he starts to panic, ask him what's going on for him, tell him that you won't leave him because you have an issue with him and that everyone has issues with people all the time. Tell him to calm down, and to believe in the relationship and your love of him.
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (12 July 2009):
 I think it's time for one last try at it. Sit down one night and tell him everything. Tell him how you feel about the presents, the smothering, and how it's affecting your relationship and sex life. Be very, very clear that you don't see a future in this relationship if it keeps going on like this. Perhaps once he hears how seriously you are considering a breakup he will change. I hope he does, for both of your sakes. But if he doesn't, it's time to move on.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, venisonstew +, writes (11 July 2009):
he sounds munipulative. personally it almost worries me. if a guy never backs off when it's clear i don't want to be cheered up, and always buys stuff when asking him not to, it sounds like he would be controlling once he has munipulated enough to do so. especially if he's that insecure and smothering. i would never let my boyfriend be my sugar daddy, because i wont be owned by ANYBODY.
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A
male
reader, AW355484 +, writes (11 July 2009):
I was in a similar situation as your boyfriend. what i mean is that, my girlfriend can get quite moody and i used to do anything i could to try and snap her out of it, but one time instead of her just sat there being moody, she said (before i could speak) 'i just need to get out of this mood myself, its not you so dont worry' then she just gave me a kiss and that was that, now i just ask if shes ok (obviously she says 'yeh im fine') but i can tell shes in a bad mood so i just leave her too it and she'll come round. so i guess id just say to him,'just let me get over my mood myself' but dont be snappy and insensitive because it wont get you anywhere.
hope this helps
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A
male
reader, Theguynextdoor  +, writes (11 July 2009):
Ok i can understand exactly what you are going through, as i am a guy and i kind of know how he feels.. i was like him in the beginning of my relationship and then my gf spoke to me and it all got sorted :)
The only way to get the point accross is to show him you love him, so he wont feel insecure, as well as talking to him about it for example maybe say ur a little too clingy. That word makes guys back off a lot usually.. and then im sure he'll get it and if he doesnt then i dont know what to suggest.. Hope i helped
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