A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry in advance for this long question. But there is a lot to my story.Just over a year ago, I met my boyfriend (who is 5 years older) we were both blown away, not just by how physically attracted we were to each other but also how well we got on. We started officially dating on my birthday and for the first few months it was perfect. I truely believed I'd met my soul mate so loving, kind, generous, complimentary literally perfect. I've been in previous long term relationships and I know as well as anyone this changes and the honeymoon period wear's off. But he has become like Jekyll and Hyde. One moment he is loving and caring, telling me he loves me how one day we will get married how happy I make him, how there is no one else for him. And the next he is pushing me away doesn't want to kiss me, have sex with me, snaps at the things I say.It's the weirdest situation I have ever been, it sounds dreadful but after a couple of drinks, he is so loving and caring back to the person he was when we met. That sometimes I just try and make him drink. He can be loving and affectionate without drink but its rare. I'm possive there is no one else, we are very open and good friends with his friends and his family like me. He is planning holidays and things for the future, I have even confronted him and asked him does he want to be with me. And he promises he does. He has been going through a very tough time recently, he has been involved in a court case and has to pay out a lot of compensation. For months he had the worry of prison. On top of this his ex who is still in love with him, has begun contacting him and they went through a lot together. And he feels sorry and in some ways responsible for her situation but nothing more. I have stopped them talking because I don't believe she is his responsibility any more. And although for a while he carried on speaking to her he was always open and this has now stopped.This situation is making me feel down, and unappreciated. Mainly because of the lack of affection. Do you think it could be depression? Do you think he may be resentful that I stopped him talking to his ex? I just don't know what to do. How can you talk about having children with someone one moment telling them your amazing and you want to spend your life with them, telling all your work collegues and friends you want to marry someone. And the next push me away, not even hold my hand?!?Any advise? ps: he knows the lack of affection bothers me, but says he hopes things go back to normal soon when the stress has gone but still tries nothing with me.
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/sandra-saysRead all of the above Sandra Says articles, just go to the index link on this article to do that.http://www.obgyn.net/young-woman/young-woman.asp?page=/young-woman/articles/RomeosBleeding_TOCWhen Love is a Four Letter Wordhttp://gettinbetter.com/casanova.htmlhttp://www.boomeranglove.com/asp/redflags-all.aspThe list of red flag behaviors, the doctor jekyl mister hydeYour question could have been written by me about my ex boyrfriend of two years, the EXACT same things happened to me, exactly, the ex girlfriend that he won't let go of, my trying to "manage" his behavior by building a fence around him and not "letting him call her". The court case, the pushing me away, lack of affection, the stopping of sex.This is not a man who is depressed. Depressed people either curl up in a fetal position and barely get out of bed, or they crave love and affection, they don't push people away by being "shitty" to them and withdrawing love and affection. This is not a normal person you are dealing with so stop trying to make sense out of his behavior. It doesn't make sense because it is crazy making and it is designed to keep control of you and of the relationship because this is a very insecure man who doesn't take responsibility for his own mistakes, who doesn't learn from them or grow, who is very insecure at his core and fears abandonment while being love avoidant. He is emotionally the age of a toddler when under stress and when you are trying to work issues out with him, and emotionally the age of a 10 year old boy the rest of the time even during the honeymoon stage which is why he puts you up on a pedastal and hates you the next, little boys do that, too....the problem is he has an adult intellect which makes him very dangerous indeed. He has the smarts to manipulate you, to con and deceive you and he has an agenda...which is to take what ever he wants from you and control you and when the jig is up, he will abandon and reject you if you don't do it first..he will ramp up the psycholgoical abuse and game playing, he will get verbally abusive and even physically abusive. He will always cheat on you, he will always lie, he will always betray you and the thing you need to get if you get nothing else. YOU CAN'T FIX THIS OR HIM.RUN LIKE YOU HAIR IS ON FIRE DON'T WASTE ANOTHER DAY IN THIS TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, IT ONLY GOES DOWN HILL FROM HERE.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (8 February 2011):
A friend of mine forwarded me your question. The reason being is that she immediately recognizes your relationship "pattern" and the red flag behaviors of your boyfriend and even some mistakes that you are making, the major one we will get to...my friend knows all too well that your few paragraphs here describe my former boyfriend perfectly and how our relationship progressed.
And there is a reason for this. I am fairly certain that you are dealing with a psycologically disturbed person and even though to be fair a diagnosis can't be made except by a professional. But to be smart, you had better wise up and learn that he can be psychologically disturbed enough, with or without a formal diagnosis to be very dangerous to you.
I am certain about the predictability of your relationship pattern because personality disordered people of this type are highly predictable, and so is the progression of the relationship, how it starts, the middle and the end. I can read 10 posts just like this and have over the course of several years of doing this on DC and I can tell you which one of these questions are about a borderline personality disordered individual. It doesn't matter the particulars or the he saids, she saids, these people do all the same stuff, it's a disease of the mind and just like cancer a disease of the body it has predictable stages and ways it presents itself.
I want you to take a look at these links below. This won't be an easy thing for you to grasp or to accept about someone you thought was your soul mate, but your very health, life and love life depend on that you do "get it".
The site at saferelationshipsmagazine dot com has an excellent e-book called "women who love psychopaths" it will be the best fourteen dollars you ever spent in your life. Don't be put off by the title, people don't understand the term psychopath correctly. The next site is a series of articles, the best one to describe your relationship is Romeo's Bleeding when love is a four letter word... The next site is very useful in understading this disorder from both a female and male perspective, gettinbetter dot.com
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (8 February 2011):
I think all of your explanations are possible. it sounds like he has a lot going on in his life and that could be messing him up emotionally and psychologically.
maybe he's not completely over his ex and in his mind he's bouncing back and forth between whether he wants to be with you or her. Thus one minute he's all loving and affectionate and planning a future with you, the next he's conflicted and wondering if that's going to be a big mistake and that's when he pulls back from you.
Maybe he does have depression - it can make people irritable and feel numb, and that would certainly not put him in a mood for displays of affection. Unpredictable behavior and wide mood swings can be signs of depression...
they say that feelings drive behavior. So if his behavior is erratic and bouncing from one extreme to another, it's likely that his feelings and emotions are all over the map. the question is why...
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Try taking a break from each other until he has had time to sort things out. I think he does still care about you but he has to figure himself out and find a way through these stressful times before he can have a girlfriend. That way he will be the man you love without having to drink. Give him some time, give yourself some time to heal before you break.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, TexasTexas +, writes (8 February 2011):
It sounds like his ex is stringing him along.
You can't keep him from talking to her. He is not your puppy.
If they want to talk, then they are talking.
What if he treated your future children in this "hot /cold " manner?!
Oh my goodness, what an emotional roller coaster.
Men will naturally and happily commit when they are ready.
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