A
female
age
41-50,
*chauv80
writes:I have asked this question before and everyone said I had nothing to worry about.My boyfriend is from Romania and went to college in the the US. he is graduated and gainfully employed. he dated another Romanian girl for 4 years while in college. He gave her a credit card in his name to help her financially (while in college). she ran him $4000 into debt which he paid off now. She hasn't paid him back. She graduated and doesn't have a job. He let her move into his apartment and he moved in with me. He is paying all her bills, including a new Toyota Corolla. He is living with me now and he is paying have the rent and bills at my place. He makes enough money to help her and pay half my bills at the same time. This has been going on now for 6 months and she still doesn't have a job. Is this weird? Do you think he still loves her? Should I be worried? As soon as he said he was going to help her I broke up with him. He said it would only go on 4 months max. then it is 9 m onths and he is still helping her. He said he is doing this because it is really bad in Romania and doesn't want her to go back.What are your thoughts? This is driving me crazy and I don't know if I am overreacting.He was calling her several times a week and I asked him to stop doing it. When he started to try to date me he went to visit her (had to buy a plane ticket ect) and wined her and dined her. Also, I found he was calling her several (up to 5 times a day) when he was trying to date me in the beginnning. I just am very insecure and don't know what to do.I feel if he wanted to be with her he would. If he wanted to be with her he would be living in his old apartment and not move in with me. She hasn't had a job for 9 months which I feel she isn't trying becuase he will take care of her. Is it possible to call an ex several times a day and buy plane tickets to visit her at the beginning of the time he was trying to date me and still care for meI just sometimes don't feel special to him. HE says I have nothing to worry about but this has been going on way too long for me to accept
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broke up, debt, his ex, insecure, money, moved in Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Your b/f is a very responsible, honest and kind man. He was caught in a bind and it was not easy for him to extradite from that situation. The light at the end of the dark tunnel for him and for you the sky will shine again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): again thanks everyone for your help. After this month he is no longer going to help her finanacially. She will be the responsibility of her new boyfriend. I told my boyfriend that if he helps her out anymore after this month, than i will break up with him.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 February 2008):
She can only work that job as stipulated in the visa. Any other job would contravene her visa and she may have her visa canceled and send home. This is right and true.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Well, poster, I hope this comes out fine. I just have to say one thing: maybe her visa will expire if she doesn't find a job in Psychology. I really can't know. But I'm a foreigner myself where I live, and they authorize me to WORK. They don't care what I do for a living for as long as I'm working. By the way, I know this is a different country, but they even let you stay here if someone else is keeping you. All they care about is whether you will become a burden of the state.
But, let's say her visa does expire if she doesn't find a job in Psychology. Does that mean she will let him keep her until then? Flipping burgers is nobody's ideal job, but at least it would help her save some money if she ever needed to go back to Romania. Or that's how I would think if I were her.
Her story doesn't add up. Why your boyfriend is keeping her, doesn't add up, either. I can't be sure if he has something with her, but this sure is among the most strange stories I have ever come across. There's alimony laws to make men pay their ex-wives; here we have someone who keeps her ex better than he keeps his current girlfriend. This is something, indeed.
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female
reader, schauv80 +, writes (1 February 2008):
schauv80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help. I have no idea what the new boyfriends thinks about all this. She was gettting help from my ex before she met the new boyfriend.
I agree about being a waitress until a better job comes around.
he told me (which I don't know is true) that she will have to get a job in her field of study (psycology) and the student/work visa won't be valid if she gets a job flipping burgers.
I don't understand how that visa would allow her to be unemployed but not allow a "low desirable" job
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 February 2008):
In a book about strategical thinking, the authors talk about "the thin end of the wedge". That is, they highlight that people may start asking for little at first, but then things can snowball and next thing you know you're caught.
I think this is what happened here. I'm pretty sure the poster is a victim here. I'm not so sure her boyfriend is. I wonder if this is what he had in mind all the time, and he just happened to ask, little by little, until the full wedge got in. Or maybe it was the former girlfriend.
In any case, HE is letting these go well beyond "help". Giving someone food and a place to sleep and bath is help. Buying her a Toyota Corolla, that's way more than help. Seeing this from another angle, she's abusive: I don't think it's right to accept that someone buys you a car if that person has been giving you bed and board for nine months already.
I may have a bias, but, as a Latin American, I find that my fellow Latin Americans always find jobs in America. That's why we go there in such numbers. I wonder if the experience is different from Romanians. Of course, if someone is keeping you, you're way more selective what job you take. I wouldn't do dishes, or clean toilets, if someone were buying me a Toyota Corolla. And she is not at the huge disadvantage so many immigrants before her had to deal with.
I disagree with Laura1318 in sending her back to Romania. No one is asking that he sends her back there. But, maybe she could find a job? Work as a waitress while she finds a job commesurate with her professional skills?
The one problem from many Latin Americans is that they DON'T have a work permit. This girl has one, and has a powerful reason to work: if she doesn't, she will be kicked out of the country, not by the poster or her boyfriend, but by the government. Why doesn't she find a job? Why does she let the poster's boyfriend buy her a car, if she might have to leave the country in seven months?
What does "the other boyfriend" think about her living in another man's home, eating the food he gives, and driving the car he is buying her? That is, supposing he is a boyfriend and not just someone who sleeps with her.
Something is the very big matter here. She's clearly abusive. The question is, why does he let her abuse him? And I'm afraid the answer is not a good one.
Yes, poster. Wait and see if he acts differently. But you're not exaggerating this. I'm with you.
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A
female
reader, schauv80 +, writes (1 February 2008):
schauv80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for all your help. It is greatly appreciated
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (1 February 2008):
I believe he is telling the truth. He is caught in a jam and it is inhumane to kick her out into the street ,after all they are from the same country and she is his ex.He felt a responsibility for her . It could be their culture to help each other .
If she is send back to Romania, the chances of paying back the loan maybe slim. So he has to try to keep her in the US and may recover the loan.. That is his problem. He may waive it or not is his right.
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A
female
reader, schauv80 +, writes (1 February 2008):
schauv80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe original plan was that she was going to move in for 2 months, and then he has to go back to Romania for 2 months for Visa reasons and then she would be gone. HE would be paying for that apartment and utilities even if she wasn't there and then more money for car/cell phone/food ect.It went WAY BEYOND what the orginal plan was. He said he can't get rid of her because he just can't put her out on the street. He says this is a loan and he is keeping track of everything he has given her. She now owes him over $10,000. If she pays him back I don't see that as a big deal by "helping" her out. If he is supporting her it is like giving an ex gifts. I don't see her paying him back at all. If she was ambitious she would have a job by now. If she doesn't have one by August '08 she will be an illegal.He says he helped her out so she could get a job and pay him back, because if she went back to Romanain she wouldn't make enough money to pay back.I feel like this is a bunch of lies and excuses in my opinion.The ex suppoasadly has a boyfriend now, and I told my boyfriend to have her new boyfriend pay for everything now. He left black checks for the ex. I told him to get the blank checks from her or have her void them out. He refused to do this. His lease is up at the end of this month and he says he won't help her out anymore or sign a new lease with her. He says I am more than welcome to come with him to close out the apartment with his ex. He says he has nothing to hide about her.He says he loves me and the ex situation was helping out a friend. I will wait and see if he acts differently towards me in the presense of the ex-girlfriend
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (1 February 2008):
If he is into her, why does he moved in with you? There is no logic.
I think since she comes from his country and in a foreign country, he is helping her only. She is like a relative to her and he felt he needed to help her.She could be taking advantage of his kindness.
If you accept him, you will have to accept this baggage that comes together with him.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (31 January 2008):
 Yup, looooooooooads more guys out there, that wont live in such a bizarre way! 28? Blimey, Im 37. I didnt start living til i was 29 and boy oh boy have i lived since then, and i have met shed loads of guys since then too!
You just dont know it yet, but, even though you love this strange guy, you will love someone a whole lot more in the future, when you are treated with way more respect.
There is definately something very perculiar going on..
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (31 January 2008):
It is very clear that he has taken this much, much beyond being helpful or friendly. I would also be very much suspicious about what reason he may have to support her to that extent. I would be very worried about they still being more than just friends. I have learned that life is not as predictable as we think it is, but, I have difficulty understanding why else he would do it.
I would understand, MAYBE, and that's a big maybe, that he helped her with food. But a Toyota Corolla is way too much.
You're not overreacting. Much to the contrary.
The credit card thing makes me think. Maybe my belonging to a different culture can help. If he had given you a credit card for that amount, you would think about paying. In our countries (and Romania is Latin, too), that would not be the case. He wouldn't expect her to pay back, because he would be sleeping with her. She would be an expensive girlfriend, if you understand. I'm very suspicious that this is what happened, really.
There is obviously a strong reason why he has maintained this level of contact and "support" for her. And I'm afraid it's a bad reason.
Hlskitten is so right. 50% for you, but 100% for her? How can that be? I can think of a twisted way it can be. He might be thinking that living with you is a way for him to "only" incur in 50% of expenses, instead of a whole hundred. I'm sure he would be spending a lot more if he were living in his own apartment and kept her in another home.
Only you can decide about this, as we're not in your shoes. But I think I would tell him he can't have it both ways. Like Frankie would sing, "all or nothing at all".
Take care.
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A
female
reader, schauv80 +, writes (31 January 2008):
schauv80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am about to leave. It is hard though because I have never loved anyone like I love him. I am 28 now, and he is my 4th serious boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder what is would have been like if she wasn't around.
There are always other available men out there.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (31 January 2008):
Of course shes not trying to get a job because she doesnt have to. I am a bit amazed he cant see that himself, and is cool with supporting her! Its bizarre!
If i was in your shoes i would be gone.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, schauv80 +, writes (31 January 2008):
schauv80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you. I am all about 50/50. I went to college and got a job and don't need a man financially i need one emotionally. I am just so frustrated with the situation. I think she is not trying to get a job because she doesn't have to.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (31 January 2008):
Hi
I would seriously resent all that to be honest. He pays for her 100% but only half for you? Im all for going dutch (50/50) so thats not unusual, but if my guy was paying for his ex 100% i would have serious issues with that.
9 months is atleast 8 months longer than i would of put up with it. I think you have a lot of patience. The woman is a free loader and taking the rise out of him!
He needs to get assertive doesnt he, and quick smart! I would be giving him an ultimatum if i was you. Shes his ex, he needs to get his priorities right!
Good luck
C xxxxx
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