A
female
age
30-35,
*aybaybay_x
writes:I started talking to this guy from my uni. We have mutual friends and we've been talking through facebook and now text and flirting all summer non stop.We're both 21 and have a lot in common.Lately however, he has been quite flakey.He said we'd go out and didn't live up to it. But he had two friends birthdays those weekend that slipped his mind (I believe him cos he shared pics with me after both)Although, he explained that he's been working overtime and had a few surprise plans.Now this weekend, he says he finishes work at 7 and invited me to come and hang.I joked and asked if I was a booty call . He was laughing he just said no, he's been doing a lot of overtime and wants to make a certain amount before summer, but he also wants to see me. He mentioned that his family is away on holiday too.This'll be our first proper time we meet each other. For some reason though, I'm having doubts. I like this guy but I feel like either I'm being tested or friendzoned lol but there is a part of me that believe he just wants my company. He seems extremely comfortable with me now and he also said that he feels more confident recently.I said to him I'd come if I wasn't too hungover as I'm going out on saturday. Any advice on what I should do?Does this sound harmless to you?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 August 2014):
 @olderthandirt : make it three, and count me in. Well, I do not think that FB is the root of all evil, it obviously has its advantages , but I am baffled by how people choose to have fake relationstips/ courtships and fake ersatz friendships on FB ,and be totally content with that , while they would never be content with eating a rubber chicken instead of a real one ,and they'd never call it tasty and nutritious.
It's as if the representation of life has taken over and substituted actualy LIVING life.
A curious example :
I live in a city of world famous museums. These draw several tourists, normally, ( not all ) but never many locals, who all in all prefer hanging out at the beach or at the winery etc.
First Sunday of August, when normally at the museum it would be me, and the security guards : it was jam packed. There was a throng, you could barely move around.
Good thing, one could say : people eventually discovered art and history.
Oh no. They discovered selfies. They were taking pics of everything without even bothering looking at the art objects : selfie with famous statue, selfie with famous portrait, selfie with famous fresco, etc. etc. They don't even KNOW what they have seen, but ... they can post it all over the net to let the world know that they were THERE, to NOT look at the masterpieces.
OP, thank you for hosting my little rant but do not think that I stole your thread, actually it has got to do with my answer :
Although in general I quite agree with the others ( the guy basically just wanted/ wants to get laid ), you'll never know for sure until you don't lure him out of behind his PC screen and have him interact with you IRL . Then, you can assess if he's flake or not, if he really likes you or not, etc. The rest does not count, it's fluff. Have real interactions with him ( at the very,very least, by phone ! ) and then you can form an informed opinion.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 August 2014):
 I am one of the otwo people on the planet that believesFacebook is the new root of all evil. It doesn't sound like there is anything real about this situation, I'd bail if I were you(with a great excuse tough.i.e. my parrot died and we're having services on that day, pictures to follow. Sorry, just don't think FB is the way to start or continue a human relationship.I hear Twitter is orse buI'll nev know.. anythig with theword twitt may just be a turn left arrow for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): While I think Tisha is right, and he has made his intentions pretty clear. But you do like this guy and if you can exercise self-control and take charge a bit of how this goes who knows what can happen?
I wouldn't be so up front about your reasons, OP. You don't need to explain why and cause hassle. It's not like he was exactly forthcoming about why he blew you off either when he could have just taken to you to his friends place and let you get to know him and his friends. Just say you're too hungover but that you'd be up for meeting for a coffee during the week. Then you just make sure you have a time limit on the coffee and that you don't end up being taken somewhere to be alone with him.
You need to avoid getting caught up in the moment or allowing things to get sexual until you're sure he's not doing what you're fairly sure he is.
In other words, OP he has to work to prove himself to you and that involves time, effort and money.
OP I'm a guy who really doesn't like paying for everything on dates, (equal pay is balanced and fair) so I'm not coming at this from the "gentleman" aspect or him buying you. Dating and getting to know a person takes time, effort and money regardless of who pays. Many women see a guy paying as concrete proof he's making the effort it's not, it's a guy's eagerness to just be around you and have fun dates beyond anything sexual that denotes a serious interest.
With a guy whose done nothing like that and indeed has shown all the signs of just having groomed you online as a conquest the you have to be extra careful but it's important he doesn't know that's what this is.
So say nothing like that, just make an excuse and stick to it. You don't need to tell a guy you're testing his intentions, it's implied and smart women always do.
It's also not playing games, it's ensuring you're not getting used.
Just take things slowly, OP, if he keeps trying to get you alone or trying to push things then walk. The only explanation he needs after a few proper dates is that you're the kind of person who needs to get to know a person in person properly before you can trust them enough to be intimate with them, you're old fashioned.
I think you and I both know though that he will probably just not bother, if his idea of wooing a woman is messages and then getting her alone then he's putting the least amount of effort into wooing you. I mean think about it, he could have been taking a shit the last time he had a flirty messages episode with you, you know? That kind of correspondence is not effort.
He has a lot to do to prove himself to you, don't sell yourself short with a guy who won't do that. It doesn't matter how much you like a guy, protecting yourself is more important because there's plenty of us that will grab a chance at being able to make an effort on you.
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female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (12 August 2014):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much guys...
I turned it down and he said "I was thinking about it today at work, it's too soon"
Maybe he'll flake again,maybe he'll respect me more.
At this point who cares lol
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 August 2014):
 What Cerberus says is right, if you just want a quick sexual encounter, it's fine but if you want more then going to his house and meeting him for the first time there? VERY BAD IDEA.
You've been groomed by this guy, google it, don't stick around for this.
He's not a prize.
Well, maybe he is a prize arse but he is no catch. Let him drift back into the weeds of facebook.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): Read this book "He's Just Not that Into You." It's simple, if a person likes you, they make time or call to explain when they can in the least bit.
He sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too, but he is not that interested in starting a relationship. Action are always louder than words. Save yourself the time and energy of trying to demystify something obvious. Hey, if you just want a little fun, there is no harm in indulging. But he just doesn't sound like the right candidate for a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Kaybaybay_x +, writes (12 August 2014):
Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you.
I had a feeling, yes. That's why I asked lol
Thank you. I had a think myself and thought exactly this.
The only problem is to 'suggest proper date' is to assume that he likes me which I'm unsure of.
Would me just saying to him 'I'd like to get to know you better before house meetings' surfice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): "invited me to come and hang"
That's a booty call and you know it.
His family are away too so he has a free house in which to make a move. It's the most obvious booty call I've seen.
OP you've been flirting and talking all summer and the first time he actually can meet you is when he has a free house where he can bone you? You know it's a booty call too that's why you "jokingly" asked him if it was and it's also why your gut is telling you something's up.
He had plans with you and flaked, you know what, OP? I would have brought you to those parties. It sounds like you like to have a drink and a dance, what better time to meet you in person than in the company of his friends at a party?
He chose not to have you around instead. Now the very first "opportunity" he has to meet up with you just so happens to be the time his parents are away makes this a very obvious ploy to bed you.
OP I know these days online interaction is considered enough for a lot of people your age, some even consider it dating. But it's not, dating is going on dates. Dating is talking to a person, in person and seeing if there's a spark, a connection not just some useless online chit chat and flirting, then going from that straight to his free-house so you can "hang". That's also a very specific thing. You don't intentionally bring a woman somewhere private to be alone just to talk.
You know what's up, and it's not that you've been friendzoned, it's that he's only making an effort to bed you. He works, yet he's not willing to spend a little time and cash on a date to treat you nicely and get to know you as a person? He's skipping the whole impressing you, getting to know you stage and is just trying to get you alone.
I mean come on, Kay, is that what you want?
I mean sure if you just want to be a stain on his matress and something he can brag about to his friends then by all means go "hang". But if you want to be taken seriously as someone who wants more then you'll take a bit of control here and go on actual dates.
If you don't want to bone the very first time you meet and probably be cast off too afterwards then you'll use the hangover excuse and suggest that you meet for coffee somewhere public during the week instead.
OP just to make it clear, texting is not effort. Facebook messages are not effort. I have two facebook conversations going right now, I'm also watching a movie and typing this. I'm not dedicating any kind of time to either of those conversations and I'm able to have loads at once.
The point is and you know this that he's made no effort at all with you so far, he's done the bare minimum and when it came to actually making a proper effort he flaked, and now he just wants to get you home so he can fuck you.
OP guys who are serious about you will make the effort, if you want them to take you seriously you will accept nothing less than a guy making a real effort.
It's harmless if you just want to fuck, otherwise it's a stupid idea and you should suggest proper dates in public instead.
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