A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my partner, "Bill", for 12 years and we have a family together. Tonight he told me for the umpteenth time that he was sick of my bad attitude and that I need to "know my place". Then he told me it's over and to expect all my things in the driveway (smashed, because I deserve that) when I get off work. Bill is a functioning alcoholic so nearly everything he says when drunk is incredibly cruel, whereas he's a nice person sober, very loving. Unfortunately he drinks *every night* when he is home. So all of this has happened when he is drunk and I don't know whether to believe it or not but have been up all night wracked with anxiety for me and the kids all the same.Every time he gets back from his long distance job, first he complains about the house (I work full time and neat freak housecleaning is not my top priority), going so far as to throw all the dishes at me because I dried them "the wrong way". He refused to pick them up and said if I'd dried them the right way in the first place, he wouldn't have had to smash them.Second, he gets blind drunk and rages at me for hours. I am not allowed to leave the room. If I do, he will hunt me down and scream in my face until I agree to everything he says, no matter what that is. If the kids ask him to stop, he says it's my fault so they'd better tell me to shut up. He has never hit me with his hands, but he has thrown shoes and dishes at me. The last time he was home he made me choose between two degrading things I won't go into here, but it was brutal and humiliating and I didn't want the kids to wake up, so I just did it. I can't forget. I just, I can't. Now he's mad I don't want sex anymore. Any attempt to reason with him and he says he was mad and I deserved to be punished for disrespecting him for years and getting away with it.He is in charge of nearly everything financially and holds all the titles in his name. He is constantly telling me how I've let myself go, what a bitch I am, how even though I have a job I don't "own" anything and, if he wanted to, he could throw me on the streets in a heartbeat. Tonight he told me "it's over. I'm sick of you using me as your meal ticket." I quietly agreed, since I've been planning to get out as soon as I got a raise. He got angry with me and said, sarcastically: "I like how you ask me for time not because you love me but because you're selfish" and told me I deserve to have terrible things happen to me, he hopes I live in abject poverty so I can see how good I had it, how I've destroyed everything good about us because I refuse to change. To expect to find everything I "own" in the driveway tomorrow. Then he was all "we need to split up for a year, I'll keep paying all your bills".how do you reason with someone like this for the sake of your kids?!? I'm calling a friend of mine with a rental tomorrow to see if they would rent to me for the summer but I'm pretty sure he's going to want me to stay in the MIL house on the property. He keeps saying we'll split until I crawl on hands and knees, begging to be taken back. (Last time he was the one that did the begging...).**tl;dr**: control freak partner is "kicking me out" on his terms
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alcoholic, drunk, long distance, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mintrablooms +, writes (6 May 2016):
I agree. Your hubby NEEDS rehab at the very least. For the sake of you and your kids, and him, have him arrested and then sent off to rehab. He needs to see there's consequences for what he does. I would bet this is all terrifying for you. But you have to choose eventually. Do you want to keep suffering, or not?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2016):
 You don't reason with them.
He is an alcoholic.
My husband is an alcoholic
January 5 2015 he got drunk and tried to kill me.
I let the cops take him (he was so drunk he called 911 on himself to be honest0
I let him sit in jail for two nights.
When he finally got a bail bondsman to call me I told him I would bail him out on ONE condition...he had to go to REHAB and COMPLETE rehab and get SOBER.
He did. He's had a few slips but he's sober over a year now and working very hard to improve daily. Sadly his getting sober coincided with his becoming physically disabled so it's been a horrid year.
He knows full well that even as broken as he is now, because he is sober I can deal with his crap.
He is working with a therapist and a marriage counselor to improve (as I am since I'm not perfect either)
IF he goes back to drinking, he gets a divorce. He chooses not to drink.
I was willing to be alone without him so I was not afraid to tell him "quit drinking or we are done"
are you?
that's the only thing you can do to make this work... either you have to leave him or he needs to get Sober.
IF he drinks Daily he cannot detox himself...he HAS TO GO TO REHAB. stopping drinking cold turkey if you drink daily can kill you.
feel free to message me if you want.
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A
female
reader, mintrablooms +, writes (2 May 2016):
You got great answers but I wanted to add that on top of finally calling the cops PLEASE tell everyone in your family too. And please don't give in to anything he says to make you stay. Get support from everywhere you can. You'll be fine and that includes moneywise so don't worry and make sure you research a lot.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 May 2016):
 Alcoholics of any kind will not decide to stop drinking unless they are faced with some sort of a loss that they deem catastrophic. I don't know what that is for your partner, but as long as you stay there he will keep doing what he is doing because he can. You are his doormat when he is drunk, but as long as you are there you are powerless to change him.
Therefore, you need to leave him like ASAP. I'm not sure if he is your husband or not, but as a partner, leaving him is easier use the court will award the kids to you because he is a drunk. He will likely have to do alcohol therapy as a result of having to deal with a judge.
You may want to have a conversation with a lawyer to see how these legal options will work out. While you are doing that, save up some money, arrange for a place to live in future so when the day arrives, simply leave.
You will not, let me repeat - you will not ever - succeed to get him off drinking. Be strong, and move away from him.
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A
female
reader, little.red +, writes (1 May 2016):
I may be young, but I have been in a similar situation to yours. I was in a relationship with a guy for about a year before he turned into an alcoholic and began mentally and physically abusing me. The worst part was we were childhood friends on top of being in a relationship - but I KNEW I had to GET OUT. So do you. For not only yourself but also your children, you need to get out. If you still love him that's fine. But, as I said you and your children need to get out before things get any worse - I would NOT recommend staying with him until he has been sober for a while - if he even gets sober. I know it's really hard saying goodbye to someone you love especially in those circumstances, but you also need to think about your own happiness and your children's. Talk to friends, family, and/or someone you trust about staying with them for a while until you handle things with your husband. But I would definitely leave before it's too late. Best of luck to you and your family!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2016): You need to find the strength to get out of that situation NOW! There is no excuse. If he threatens you, call the police or get your identity scrapped and move to the other side of the country. If you don't leave now you and your children will become mentally sick. I'm 16 now I my mum left it too late. I've been in therapy for so long and struggling. My mum has now become older and her life was wasted away for one reason or another. Leave that scum. He has no respect. Seem like everyone answering has had some kind of experience that is relatable, so what makes you think your so special to him that he will change for you if he can't change for the kids or himself? He needs reality hit in the face hard and you need to leave him. The one thing that is keeping you with him and he knows this is because: hope dies last. You will be torn and your kids WILL become sick. Leave before it's too late.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2016): If you are truly concerned for your kids, you would LEAVE.
You are responsible to protect your kids and be a role model to them. Staying with an abusive man trying to "make it work" is NOT the solution.
Please, for the sake of your kids, LEAVE!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 May 2016):
 He might WANT you to stay at the MIL house on the grounds, doesn't mean you HAVE to.
I would suggest that you record (if you can without his knowledge) next time he goes off. (consider a voice activated little recorder device, they are about $20 at Best Buy) And every time you thin you should stay for the sake of the kids or what not, PLAY that recording. And remember that YOUR kids HEAR all that stuff OVER and over... what do you think it does to them?
YOU (as an adult) have a CHOICE to leave. THEY DO NOT!
Time to leave, for your kids sake. Staying is NOT in their best interest.
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A
female
reader, mintrablooms +, writes (1 May 2016):
...why didn't you have him arrested years ago? If you divorce you should at least be able to get child support from him and he's even offering to pay your bills for a year if he was at all serious. With you making the lower wage and having kids you may even get alimony from him. I think a police record against him would help you win the most in divorce. I think you should look up some divorce stories. It's illegal for him to kick you out also.I don't think you'll be living in poverty especially if you win in the divorce. I don't know why but abusers always seem to think they're above the law and better than other people...please show him that he isn't. And that he doesn't make any rules. Have him arrested when he's drunk again and tell them he threatens you and you fear for your safety.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (1 May 2016):
 First of all, let me tell you how much I sympathize with you. I have walked the path you are walking right now. My ex husband was an alcoholic, a very verbally abusive one. He never hit me but as you know, words can hurt just as much as being hit.
You can never win in any kind of discussion with an alcoholic. You aren't even talking to someone in their right mind, so forget about them being able to comprehend a word you are saying. Your husband sounds very much like my ex, he just wanted to argue, argue, argue and tear me down at every turn. He would say the most hateful things and then the next morning claim not to remember any of them but I remembered them!
Your post greatly disturbs me. You need to talk to him when he is sober and lay down the law. He either gets help or you get out. Honey, don't EVER do anything that you don't want to do because of him! That made me so very sad to read that. Get your kids, get in your car and go when he starts being abusive. I mean it! Do not stay with him. I used to go out at 3am just to get away from my abusive drunken ex.
Think very carefully on what this is doing to your children ok? It can and will damage them. Please seek help for them and yourself. Go to your family, a minister, a health crisis center, call the police do whatever you have to do but DO NOT continue to live this way.
I feel for you honey, I truly know what you are going through. Its horrible and frightening and you feel alone like no one can understand, but people do understand and are there to help you, you just have to reach out.
You will NEVER get through to your husband drunk, don't waste your breath. My son and I referred to my ex when he was drunk as the "toaster" because he heard what we were saying as much as a toaster would be able to respond and acknowledge us.
BTW, my husband NEVER stopped drinking. He's still an alcoholic and is dying of cirrhosis of the liver. He never wanted help, said he liked to drink. I hope your husband will love you and your children enough to seek out help.
Please private message me if I can help in any way. Let us know how you are ok? And remember..you aren't alone.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 May 2016):
 You are not at the stage where you say to yourself, it's all over. You still love him and are hoping that one day he would just stop drinking and start loving.
The thing, is you can't reason with an alcoholic. You did not cause any problems in the marriage. He did. For the sake of your kids it's better if they do not live in an environment of verbal and physical abuse.
You need to have the strength to say to him, if he does not go to al-anon, then your marriage is over and you don't care if you live in poverty. If he doesn't go, at least you go alone for support, at least to understand why alcoholics are the way they are, and what you can do if he can't change.
When I watched the movie, the shining by Jack Nicholson, I wondered how many husbands secretly feel that way. I don't think it's the marriage institution, or the domestication that drove men crazy. There are people who are prone to mental illness and there seems to be little you can do about their descend into madness. You have to save you and your kids first.
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