A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi So me and boyfriend will have been together for 3 years (March 11th) and are in the process of looking to buy our first home. However, throughout the relationship he has struggled with an addiction to weed. He has repeatedly told me he's quit but then starts again. When he does it he's a completely different person, I don't hear from him, he gets super angry very quick and it has escalated in the past where it got physical but we got through it and I forgave him. He's been clean for almost a year (May 2018) or so I thought. This morning I found weed in the dressing gown and when I confronted him he denied it but then finally admitted that he had been doing it for the past 2 months. I had no idea. So last time I caught him doing it I gave him the ultimatum, me or the weed. He chose me but now he's doing it again. I don't want to buy a home with him knowing he is doing this but on the flip side he hasn't been showing any signs of how it was before despite him doing it for 2 months. I don't want to leave him as I love him so much but I don't want to be with him if he's doing it and I'm so sick of telling him for it just to fall on deaf ears. Should I walk away? Please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): Don’t buy a house with this guy. Next thing you know, you will have drug dealers knocking at the door. And do you really want your finances tied to a guy whose addicted to drugs? Buying a house with someone is a BIG commitment. It’s probably easier to get divorced than go through selling a house after a breakup.
If you are determined to stay with him then you should insist that he goes to drug counselling to stop permanently. But, until he is over his weed addiction, you should definitely NOT buy a house with him.
Also, if you want kids in the future, do you really want the father of your children to be a drug addict? Those children may suffer from health issues as a result of his selfish behaviour.
Personally I would leave this guy.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 March 2019):
 Should you walk away ? Of course. What else ?
Not only because you gave him " an ultimatum " and he did not respect it. If he breaks his promise - and you stay with him anyway- what kind of lame ultimatum is it then !? You'd find yourself giving more " ultimatums " once a month or so,... and he'd keep breaking them. Save yourselves the hassle and call it quits.
Not just because of this, though. Quite simply, because " it has escalated in the past where it got physical ". And you choose to stay with him ? Bad,foolish move. That was your cue to exit stage , drugs or no drugs. You have to draw the line somewhere- and there are things that should NOT be forgiven. Or, actually- you can forgive them- from a distance. After you have disassociated yourself from the person .
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (3 March 2019):
 Just to echo the others, an ultimatum is the last straw.
He’s broke it and you are asking strangers on the internet whether to leave. You told him ‘me or the weed’ He’s choosing weed. Not to mention, I’m assuming he attacked you? From the mention of physical? I think that’s more of a reason to leave than the weed to be honest.
If he truly wanted to change, he would of dropped the habit the second you gave him the choice, he did and then relapsed. In a nutshell, you’re wasting your time. If you stay, he knows you are a pushover and he can do as he pleases. Why waste your breath making these threats to leave if you’re not going to follow through? Find someone you don’t have these issues with and maybe this will be the kick up the ass he needs to understand that every relationship has a dealbreaker.
Move on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 March 2019):
 I agree with Honeypie. There is one unchangeable rule in any relationship:
You can NEVER ever give an ultimatum.
The reason why that is such an ironclad truth is the simple fact that you can never EVER change someone else. The only person you can possibly change or control their activities, habits, or actions is YOURSELF. You cannot tell him "Choose me or choose the weed". You can only tell YOURSELF "Is his smoking weed something I can live with?" and then YOU choose to remain with him, knowing that he is a habitual smoker, or you can CHOOSE to leave.
YOU set your dealbreakers. You cannot make, pressure, or compel him to change to conform to your wishes, even if the wishes are the most noble of desires (i.e. stop a destructive habit).
And honestly, if he's getting physical, you should get out of there anyways. I would walk away. It wasn't the WEED that caused him to put his hands on you. HE MADE that choice, and if you got physical and put your hands on him first, then you have just as much to work on as he does.
You have to decide whether or not you can live with the idea that he will NEVER stop smoking weed. Can you?? If weed smoking is a dealbreaker, you need to follow through and BREAK the deal. Ultimatums are futility, and you lose all respect in his eyes with every bluff and empty feeble threat you make on him. He doesn't believe you actually are going to leave him if he's smoking because you have given multiple ultimatums, which is another reason why you should never ever give an ultimatum.
Control your own actions. Live with his, or end things with him. Those are your only real choices, unfortunately.
Now, if he freaks out and WANTS to change, actions speak louder than words. He can change if he wants to, but it can't be because you compel him to, or it will only ever be temporary and *just* enough, at least until he knows you can't leave, and buying a house with him will render you unable to walk away.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2019):
 The thing with ultimatums are that if you DO NOT follow through when things to to a head, THEY are POINTLESS.
HE knows that you probably won't leave. He knows that while you TOLD him, me or the weed, he was STILL CHOOSING weed on the side, and he was STILL CHOOSING to LIE to you about it.
YOU have absolutely not bargaining power here. He will do whatever the FUCK he wants to do. AS you have seen. He isn't even being very sneaky or smart about it.
LOVE IS NOT going to make him stop.
What might give him pause... is IF you follow through and walk away.
And yes, I GET that you don't WANT to leave, but an ULTIMATUM needs to MEAN something. As in if you say ME or the WEED and he does WEED, then HE chooses WEED and you need to walk away.
Another thing I think you don't realize is that YOU can't change him. It's UP to you to decide, DO I want to be with someone who does weed, who becomes angry to the point of physical violence, who is gone for days and WHO IS NOT reliable? Or is that a total NO-GO?
Buying a house with him would be a HUGE mistake at this point. I know buy a house is a big deal in the UK. But buying it with HIM at this point IS A MISTAKE.
And he hasn't been clean for a year, it's been less than 8 months. IF he is even telling you the truth.
So Make up your mind, did that ultimatum you gave him MEAN anything to you or not? If you meant it, walk away. That leaves it up to him to decide is WEED really going to rule my life or do I need to seek help and quit and perhaps look for a different group of friends. YOU can't MAKE him go through that process unless HE wants to.
Sorry, I think you need to walk away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2019): Ultimatums. Ultimatums means more than one ultimatum. That means you didn't go through with the first one. Why should he believe you when you say things when you demonstrate that you won't?
If nothing were to change, how long would you put up with the status quo? A week. A month. A year. The time it takes to pay off a mortgage?
People don't change. It's really hard. Addiction makes change less likely. Lots of people love each other but can't live with each other, it's not some magic balm for all of your differences. So on balance I'd say you definitely shouldn't buy a house, and you probably should finish it unless you want to repeat this cycle forever. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Ormskirk360 +, writes (2 March 2019):
 It wasn't an ultimatum if you didn't follow through. Why would he stop it when he knows you don't mean what you say? He's not taking you seriously because you aren't being serious. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
If you gave him a choice of you or the weed, you should have walked away the second you found out he was using again. He'll only respect you when stand up for yourself.
You need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not, then act accordingly. Don't buy a home together until you have dealt with this issue, as it will be much harder to walk away when you have shared assets.
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