A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my husband for 20 years now. We've built a dream together; a life together. We have five beautiful children; our youngest is 12. I simply can not imagine life without my family. I love them all so dearly.So why is it that my husband decided to cheat on me with the same woman he cheated on me with 25 years ago? This is when we were still teenagers and knowing that being at separate colleges would be an obstacle we would have to face together. But 25 years later, the man and I are now married with five children. The woman he cheated on me with those 25 years ago has been married four times and has one child whom is six. She doesn't even raise him herself because she's always out flying. "Doing her job". Which, admittedly, is her job but there's more to it.My husband decided not to tell me who his current co-pilot was for a good six months. When he confessed what was happening, I asked him why he never told me before. He said because he knew I would get pissed. Oh lord, I didn't even know what truly pissed off could feel like until then. Not to mention the betrayal I felt. The violation of trust and absolute disgust toward both of them.Last week, he was home from a four day lay-over but he spent it at a hotel because I could not have him touching me knowing he had touched her... again. I just, I don't know how a woman can feel it's okay to lay her hands on another woman's husband. And I don't know how a man can feel it's okay to lay his hands on a woman who is not his wife.I know he's been faithful to me these past 20 years being married to me but then she came along again. I am really hurt and I don't know if I can take him back again. I did before, obviously, but by sheer coincidence, she'll be his co-pilot for another year. How the hell can I deal with that? We still have four more kids to rear out of the house and each day I think about this whole dilemma, I'm just really thinking about the kids.I know I'll be taking full custody because I'm the one always home. And I still love my husband and do want him to see his kids but I'm just really confused right now. And hurt. I need a little guidance. Thanks.
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (15 August 2009):
 I can totally relate to your situation... I have six children and after 18 years of marriage.. my husband tells me he is leaving to pursue a coworker he has been having an affair with. I struggled for 8 months to save our marriage both because I loved him and for the sake of our children. Although, he had feelings for me I could not compete with the "in love" feeling he was experiencing and the lack of responisibility, hurts, and new sex that he was getting from her. She got pregnant (out of desperation Im sure) and now he's married to her.
Bottom line is I was so scared and desperate in the beginning that I didnt shake things up enough and take a hard enough/tough stance. In hindsight my best shot (may not have worked) was to hold firm... he can't be with me if he's with her. Tell him you love him and that you would like to work things out, briefly apologize for anything you think you were wrong about and cut him loose. If he's truly yours he'll be back if not better to find out now. Look at the stuff on "marriagebuilders.com" by Harley Willard. Now that you have done that forget about him for a while and take care of you and the children. I know its hard, devastating, humiliating and excrutiatingly painful... but you will survive it and in the end you will be a better, stronger person one way or another. Whatever you do you have to take the high road and maintain your self-respect or you will lose.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): You and he need to have a serious conversation. If your both committed to trying to save the marraige, then get into some serious conciling AND have him tell his superiors that he needs a change of partners - he may have to explaine the situation (generally), but so what... If he's been faithful for 25 years, that means something. Divorce is a messy and painful event- I'd suggest trying to get over the hurt and recommit to each other.Sometimes some men can get infatuated with a woman, esp. one from their youth... this entire thing sounds like a BIG mistake on his part, one he likely regrets. Talk to him, try to reason this out... if you can't, a quick divorce is best... no reason to fight over each book and CD...
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female
reader, purple_butterfly  +, writes (12 August 2009):
I am too young and have no kids that id understand your situation. I pray for the best of you and your kids and husband. I really hope that your husband gets his head straight and realises the importance of his actual family and stops cheating on you. May be you could try telling him youre guna leave him? Is that guna scare him and make him realise your worth? A guy whos being faithful to you for 20 yrs deserves once chance at least so give that to him if he asks for one that is if he wishes to change the situation.
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