A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in our 20s and have dating for about 18months…. I sometimes feel as though my boyfriend doesn’t take me seriously. He is a very smart, fun, well-rounded, down to earth person who has a lot of friends. I love him a lot.However, being his girlfriend, I have gotten to know him better than others. I have found that he also loves attention and sometimes will do stupid things to get it. He is a major people pleaser, sometimes at the cost of our relationship where he puts other things before me, leaving me last priority. I get the vibe that he only wants to be around me when it suits him. He might be having a bad day and wants someone to talk to, he wants me when I say I am busy, but not when I say I want to see him. But I also feel sometimes he wants me just for sex. He always used say that we have to take the relationship slow, see how it goes. He never wanted to let me get comfortable and I was getting sick of always being reminded. It stopped me from being myself. He didn’t really know much about me for the first 8 months because he never wanted to talk about me. He just had this perception of me and assumed everything else. My opinions or thoughts didn't really matter and he never wanted to hear them.Anyways, back to the sex thing. He always makes me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex, whether it be because I feel sick, or because its that time of the month. Some nights we would just been relaxing on my couch watching a movie and end up falling asleep instead of having sex and he would wake up frustrated angry and then say he has to go home. Other times when we do have sex, he stays about 10-15 mins, and then goes home (he knows he can’t leave straight away because I once got mad at him for doing it). He won’t talk to me in that 15 minutes, he will just shut his eyes, impatiently waiting until he can leave. He doesn’t always get excited about seeing me, but one way I know I can get him excited is if he knows he is going to get lucky. At first I didn't confront him even though it bothered me. This lead me to being upset and angry so I ended up acting differently and doing other little things to piss him off instead of talking about it. It just made things worse so I ended up trying to confront him. I hate confronting him sometimes because he likes to always be right and always in charge. His initial reaction to me talking about how I feel was anger and denial. We were out having an early dinner when i mentioned it and it pissed him off so bad that he was about to get up and leave me at the table. I felt sick in my stomach when I saw his reaction, I was really hungry but I lost my appetite. It was like I had to apologise for how I felt and he just felt like I was accusing him and I was all wrong. It blew up in my face and I had to apologise and make it up to him. He blamed me for not being very interesting and not being fun and that we never do anything exciting.Afterwards I just thought to myself, how can I do something really exciting with this guy because when I say I want to see him, he doesn't give me a yes or no answer. He always says 'maybe' or 'we'll see' so he can see if theres a better offer than just hanging out with me. So how can I make plans?Nothings changed, speaking up accomplished nothing. I don’t even think he realises it half the time that the way he acts looks like he is using me for sex. Just the other night again, my boyfriend called me late at night to go over his house. Of course I went, but I was really tired and I just wanted to chat, not have sex. Let's just say he only had one thing on his mind, and when I stood back from it, he got a little pissed off. He said to me, "what's wrong with you, you're being weird". He then went on to tell me that I make him feel really guilty for wanting to have sex all the time. I told him that I act like that sometimes because when we aren't having sex he can get really bored of me easily. And I even asked him, "do you get bored when your with me?" he told me he does when we aren't doing anything. That really scares me because I don't feel like that with him. To me, I don't need to be doing anything exciting to have a good time with my boyfriend. I am happy just when he is around. It makes me really insecure that his said that and when I am insecure, I can't be myself. I'ts not like we don't do things together either because we do.What should I do?
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female
reader, adamantine +, writes (3 April 2011):
 I agree with SweetSmoochy. A relationship is about compromise and meeting the other person on a level ground where you both feel comfortable. It's about being each other's equals. It's about putting the other persons needs before yours. It's about encouraging each other and bringing out the best in the two partners.You have tried to resolve this, but he seems stuck in his ways, maybe somewhat stubborn. If talking to him about it doesn't make him think about his actions, he isn't going to change, and I suggest you move on to someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It is going to hurt at first, but when you finally do find smoeone more deserving of your love and time, you'll wonder what you ever saw in this guy.
A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 I think you need to move on to someone who is willing to be a partner in a relationship. This guy isn't being the kind of boyfriend you want, and what you are asking for is very reasonable. You have already tried talking to him, which is great and a good option in every situation. Unfortunately, you stated that he is not responding. He isn't willing to meet you half way in your relationship, so you need to find someone who will.
You said that you love him, so I know this will be painful. Consider this: does he treat you the way you want to be treated? How do you feel about yourself when you are with him and in general being his girlfriend? You really need to move one and find someone who will treat you the way you treat the ones you care about: right. Never settle and always demand to be treated like the lady you are.
Best of Luck
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