A
female
age
,
*aelee
writes:I have been married for almost 17 years, but have been separated for the last 12 months.I separated beacuse I just could not take anymore, the lies, the secrets, etc... He just was not a man, I mean in taking care of the house or me. nor was he a man in paying the bills. I got tired of every month trying to pull money out of him to pay his share of the bills, one while I paid everything except his truck payment, I retired went to work partime and back full time. I tried very hard for as long I was there to make things work. And I really did keep everything going, I carried the load, but I was not happy about it.Now he's begging me to come back, but I just do not have the strength to do it anymore, even though I have thought about it. Any comments?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Unless he does not have any affair and mistress. Even if he is saving money and you are running the houses holds, i do not see any issue in that. My view is that you over reacted.
After all that is sole meaning of equality among Men and Women in the marriage.
do a retrospection, you might be over reacting on these matters. As a women i know that we women have one problem which is having more angers in general as compared to men. So i often do not buy that it is husband who i shouting and quarreling and nagging. It is normally the wive's traits.
A
female
reader, raelee +, writes (11 July 2010):
raelee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes in some ways marriage is like a business or partnership, there is a business part and there is an intimate part. In order for it to work the bills has to be paid or you have no where to stay. Then there is the other part or else there is no marriage.
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A
female
reader, raelee +, writes (11 July 2010):
raelee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, thanks to all of you, yeah I feel the same way most of you feel. it's all about him and what he wants.
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A
female
reader, raelee +, writes (11 July 2010):
raelee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, thanks to all of you, yeah I feel the same way most of you feel. it's all about him and what he wants.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): My view is that
Marriage is not about paying the bills and his share and my share, his money, my money, how much he earn and how much i earn. is it some business deal as it appears from your post. i feel your excessive money focus has taken it's toll on the marriage.?
My advice will be to be happier and peaceful life long without regret and guilt to give the marriage a chance and you also mend your thought process and let him change some in himself.
At last if this is the logic to be used for separation, 2/3 of the women in the world should be divorced tomorrow, since usually money is other way round in most of the house holds where husband pays more and wife pays less.
so in my view the problem is blown out of proportion and it is easily fixable by some thought process change.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 July 2010):
I have only one comment. Don't go back.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (10 July 2010):
 Dont put yourself through it again. Im sure hes told you what a changed man he is. But he didnt care what he was putting you through the first time and he used you...not loved you. If you go back, once hes feeling comfortable, he will go back to his old ways. Youve done brilliantly. Not least because you carried the man for years but also because you found the strength to leave. Im sure if he had really changed he would have been snapped up before now. But i suspect he hasnt changed at all. Probably been shopping around but cant find anyone willing to put up with him, so hes trying you again. If he had you doing everything for him all that time, he knows how to manipulate your feelings for him. Its not love... its called being selfish and thinking of himself. So you think of yourself! Move on from him now or he will drag you down. All the best x
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A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (10 July 2010):
I agree with other posters that it may be too late to take him back, but I seem to be missing something here.Why did you have to beg him for money? Why did he have anything to do with the money at all? I know many successful relationships where the woman is in charge of everything financial. His paycheck, all funds coming in, everything. All money goes directly into her account. And if you need to hire someone to help you, that would affect the amount of money he would be given by you.There must be other reasons why you married him and stayed together for 17 years, other than financial? Then take the strain out of the relationship and all money goes through you. That's it.Not blaming anyone here, but I think you might have been the victim of social expectations. It seems that your expectations were that men should take care of this always. In reality, a marriage is a partnership where whoever does it much better than other, takes it over and is compensated for it. That's they way it should work. Forgetting about social expectations should be taught before even considering marriage, but isn't.Sorry if I read into something that wasn't. I can only answer the question as I read it. Good luck. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2010):
 If you know it is the wrong thing for you, don't go back.
What has he done--other than talk--about making reparations for his behavior? Actions, not words, tell you what kind of man he is.
I think you know what you need to do for yourself. Listen to your wise self, okay? Good luck.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (10 July 2010):
 Yeah, do not go back to him. I can promise you that you would be making a huge mistake. If someone cannot carry their load, regardless of sex, it is bad. However, he is not a man by your definition, so why bother being with a guy who is not?
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A
female
reader, Justenough1 +, writes (10 July 2010):
It's hard to seperate from someone after being with them for so long, as it appears he is. He may feel lonely,etc. and you are familiar to him. Don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of. You have to think higher of yourself, and it sounds like you can do better on your own. He sees that you are getting your life together by working again, and maybe your emerging independence scares him. You don't need this man who has lied to your face, caused you pain in many other ways. You have to stick up for yourself and be strong. If he wants to get back together, be firm, tell him no and don't waver in your decision. You will be proud of yourself and happier in your decision.
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