A
male
age
41-50,
*lockedup
writes:I was with my wife for the better part of 5 years and we had 2 daughters together but our relationship was always up and down. Typical battles of life and a relationship I suppose and at the time I was having difficulties keeping everything we had together, including our relationship. I lost in the end, my wife ended up having an affair and 2 weeks later was moved in with the new guy. I did not handle it well at all! Turns out this guy hasn't treated her the best and they are always fighting and there has been physically abusive times between them as well as he has put her down emotionally hardcore (daily). What I don't understand is.... WHY does she stay with him and keep going back to him when she does get away? For the last 3 years she's been with him and me, we haven't been able to completely let go of each other (Her and I always draw together) even after the divorce. I know I love her and i'm too weak to let go (plus I can't convince myself anyone could ever be with me 'cept for her, who could truly love me?) We were sleeping together for the past 4 months (Well actually for the last 18 months) and emotionally I thought we were so close to getting back together and everything falls apart. She tells me all the time i'm the better man for her, she knows I will treat her better and take care of her, she knows her whole relationship with him has been nothing but yelling and crying. I've seen her cry on the bathroom floor night after night talking to him, he puts her down and she still goes back. What am I missing? How many times am I going to have to pick the pieces back up and put her back together? The battle inside my mind and my heart is breaking down but I can't walk away either, everyone see's my pain, I can't hide it anymore. I swear if she could love me or come back to me like she does to him, jointed with my love I have for her it would be amazing.... but I can't seem to hold onto her. :(Romantically, for the past 2 weeks we have stopped everything except for hugging, no sex, no kissing and she spends half her time at his home instead of mine. (Right now she doesn't have anywhere else to stay so i'm helping her out, she doesn't want to be at my place for the sake of hurting me anymore as she says) 2 weeks ago I was saved spiritually, gave my life to the Lord and i'm trying to turn my life around for the better(my daughters) So where do I go from here, anyone have any advice? How do you walk away from the woman that proved you had a heart in the first place? 1 year after she left me I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life and then she came back into it after he assaulted her in the shower, 8 months pregnant naked and soaking wet he tryed to drag her out of the shower and throw her out of the apartment cause they weren't getting along.... When ever she's down and out i'm there for her, but when i'm down and out it's always because of her... I don't have anyone to goto except for her, doesn't make sense to call her up when i'm hurting after she left me again for him.Everyone keeps telling me how good of a guy I am and that I can do better; I want my wife and family back, I want to be a good husband and a great father instead of this guy who is divorced and can't keep mommy around. I can't cut her completely out of my life, we have 2 daughters together and she can't cut the other guy completely out for she had a son with him. Her and I talk about how things could be so great, like writing our own Vows if we were to remarry and having another baby the right way a few years back together, she said her Son should be mine, she wants to give me a son but we would have to be fully together, no one else in the picture! We should of never split up, all this happened because she wasn't sure if I was who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, she was 21 I was 24, we had our family and I was so sure that she was it. I'm really broken! God brought her and I together, the devil ripped us apart. God in need guidance and strength!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): Hey,
Have a talk with her and continue to pray. Just because it may seem like its impossible to work things out doesn't mean it is. Of course in the meantime you don't want to surround yourself with negativity, but don't give up on your wife. A family member of mine has been fighting for her marriage to be restored and it is just about to be... it didn't look easy but its happening and without prayer she would have been hopeless.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): I'm not a hard-core Christian by any means, but I do trust and believe in God and I know this for a fact: what GOD puts together, no man or the devil can rip apart. As hard as it may be for you to hear this, the fact that your marriage ended suggests that it was not ordained by God in the first place. You still want the marriage, but maybe God doesn't and that's why it's not working out.
Pray for clarity and direction. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open and the answer will come to you. It may not be what you want to hear, but be willing to accept Divine guidance. God does give you the desires of your heart, but remember when we pray "Thy will be done", we are asking God to make HIS will, not ours, manifest in our lives. Don't pray for your wife to return, ask for the right woman to come into your life. If this "right" woman is your ex-wife, she will show up. If not, know that you will receive someone better. In the meantime, focus on the kids. Give them love and stability.
As a new Christian, this relationship could be the one that is testing your strength. Don't let your ex and her inability to let you go throw you off your path, because that's what's likely to happen if you keep making yourself too available to her. Your ex is an adult and is making self-destructive decisions; you can't save her and don't give time and energy should need to be giving to your God, your kids and yourself to her and her problems.
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A
male
reader, blockedup +, writes (10 July 2010):
blockedup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly, thank you for your replys! Just because Her and I may not work out doesn't mean I get to be miserable and depressed and let my daughters suffer. I've noticed that for the past 2 months with their mother constantly on the phone crying and yelling at her phone in the bathroom those girls have been acting different, their young so I expected attitudes but honestly, too much has changed too quickly and I'm not going to let them loose everything and suffer anymore of my depression with the situation.
Focusing on my girls (and her Son) and being their father/friend is what I needed to do from the beginning and I lost track, thank you for honesty and being strait!
I have to take care of myself and those kids above all else more so than I have been, they see the pain were all in and I don't want it to rub off on them!
She sent me an email last night saying that she was so happy that i'm in her life and that she feels that if she looses him it will hurt but she'll be okay with it and that she doesn't feel she could do that with me, she can't ever let me go. He has asked her to stop talking to me and being around me but she can't do it either as well as how much happier I do make her with just being able to sit down and talk to her about everything normally without telling her everything she's done is wrong. Her last line... "Im really starting to think its you! Please pray for us when Im gone! We need guidance!! love you~me"
I have been down on my knee's to her infront of her family and strangers telling her how I can be the man who takes care of her, loves her and protects her as well as 'all' the children. (I've gotten attached to the Son she has with him, he's a cute and fun baby ;)
June 27th, 2010 I was saved, I gave my life to Christ so yes I am a born again Christian, but i'm new to it all and i'm reading the bible as well as going to church as often as I can! I lived my life without the Lord for a long long time and I feel that is why our marriage feel apart as the title implies "God brought us together and the devil ripped it down!" Well God is in my heart and I trust in Him as well I know she has a new faith/relationship with God!
Thank you for your quick replies, and helpful reminders, my vision was truly clouded! Your prayers and thoughts will not be taken for granted! You all will be in my prayers tonight and your thoughts/reminders with me for a very long time!
Greatly appreciated the responses and anymore to follow! I will reply and update also, it really does help to talk (in this case type) it out and listen (read) to myself, reading my own problem back to myself is helpful in seeing my options in a sense. Again, thank you all that replyed!
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A
male
reader, blockedup +, writes (10 July 2010):
blockedup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe had him arrested for the physical abuse after the shower event I mentioned, but within 2 days she took him back and since then the physical abuse went away but the emotional abuse has increased. I've tried and tried to talk her away from him and he isn't allowed anywhere near me or her family due to the fact no one likes him. But she doesn't let him go. She doesn't let me go completely either. I Always find away to keep myself right here waiting for her. How much can I do, I can't physically keep her away from him, i'd be no better. Plus then I would never know if it was me wanted to be with or was being forced to be with.
If she ever asked me to help her keep him away from her, to protect her like that... I would do so without thinking about it!
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A
female
reader, romany  +, writes (10 July 2010):
 Fantasising about 'what ifs' 'if onlys' and 'whens' aint doing anyone a favour, except keeping you there, ready and waiting with open arms.
You keep offering her sanctuary, and a new life, and yet she chooses him, that is not really the actions of a desperate woman, So she is either playing you rotten, or she is so weak she is not seeing the light thru the trees, have you ever given her both barrells of reality? does she truly understand how this is affecting others, Your girls will become targets of this new blokes insecurities in a few years, his son will grow to be like him, you are suffereing daily coz of HIM!
I'm very concerned what this too'ing and fro'ing is doing to the children. Sounds like everyone involved is not realising just how susceptable children are to bad feeling. All 3 kids will be feeling there mums angst, and the girls will be feeling yours, which will probably end up with 3 kids in therapy in a few years time, with all sorts of emotional problems.
Take off the kid gloves and put your ass kicking boots on, be tough, stop readily rescuing her, and rescue your girls, she is the one who is putting herself in this situation time and time again, She knows you'd have her back in a heart beat, but tell her, you can't go on like this, she needs to hit rock bottom, before she is uncomfortable enough to do something about it, so stop catching her, let her fall.
Good luck,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): You say that you are saved and born again in Jesus Christ.. The bible says that if you put God first in EVERYTHING you do, He will supply you with the desires of your heart. So if your hearts biggest desire is to love God with all your heart, mind and soul then he will 'put the peices back together' for you, and in a way you never dreamed was possible. Keep God first and He will keep your wishes first. I'll be praying for you.Your sister in Christ.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 July 2010):
 Before you think about whether to break up or get back together, call the police and send that guy to jail before he kills her and the baby! Take pictures of the bruises. Have a restraining order against him. It's not your child but it's still an innocent life. You shouldn't have to pick up pieces if you are able to protect her from harm first. Evil happens because good people stand back and do nothing.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (10 July 2010):
 These situations are the worst of all. The WORST. A mother that is silly enough to go and leave her kids and a good guy, or just her freedom in general, to be with a piece of garbage that abuses her. she is not in the right mind frame. Tell her that you will always be there for her and that you want to make it work. Tell her that she always was the person for you and that always has a place by your side. She is the woman you love and you want to make it work. I personally am not a man of God and I definitely will not be one, but I believe that, despite all my cynisism, I think that you are doing the right thing. I think that you should say all of the above. Tell her, "you have two beautiful children and an honest loving man (i am assuming) at a home waiting for you. You have a person that will always pull his load and that will always be the perfect guy." DO NOT break your promise if you are going to make that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): I am a female answerer here, but it seems to me as though she can't decide who she want's to be with, but from the sound of it, how does she stay with this guy who has hurt her physically too? If you know for a fact he is physically abusing her, you need to have a firm talk with this man yourself. Maybe let him know it's not o.k. to hit a woman,but don't get into a confrontation with him. Also, you should call the cops if you have first hand knowledge that he is doing that to her.Be a man, step in and protect her, despite how she feels about you.You will be protecting the mother of your children!
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