A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has a wild sexual past. I don't. Our sex life is as vanilla as it gets. I don't mind being vanilla, but I'm hurt that he doesn't want to try anything even remotely kinky with me.Unfortunately, he was way too open when we met. He told me all about his exes and what they used to do together. He even introduced me to a few of his exes. He's a great lover and always makes sure that I'm satisfied, but I can't help but feel that he's holding back. When I ask him about it, he says that although he tried kinky things with others, he prefers vanilla sex. I feel like these other women have a part of him that I will never have, or rather they've seen a part of his sexuality that he refuses to share with me. I keep wondering why he doesn't want to experiment with me. I wasn't a virgin when we met, but I did save a lot of experiences for marriage, but he's been there and done that. It hurts that he shared these experiences with others, but won't with me. Why doesn't he want to experiment with me when he was so willing to do it with others?
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 I feel he may not know ir think.your into kinky. Especially if you dont really communicate it fully. I would.suggest which is known in the life there are boundaries and alot of discussion like making a porn movies. You have a.script before the action.so to speaks its normally not spontaneous unless you and him click like that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he's told me that the exciting part of kinky sex was the experimentation itself, not the acts themselves. (That's probably why he doesn't want to do them with me.). I'm upset that he explored (and bonded) with other women in a way he won't with me. I've mentioned some things I'd like to try (nothing too kinky), but he has absolutely no enthusiasm for it. It's like I've given him a homework assignment, hardly passionate or sexy.Even if I eventually break him down and he does try some of these things with me, it won't be exciting for him. (He claims to have have been sexually experimental because "he was young and curious". Now, he says, he's too busy with work, etcetera to even think about kinky sex.)He makes me feel like I should have joined the boat and been wild in college, like my desire to explore with my HUSBAND is childish and immature. I wish he had saved something for marriage. I can't force him to be interested in what he's no longer interested in. I guess I'm sad that I missed out on these fun experiences. I'm even more sad that I was saving them for marriage, when it turn out my husband decide to explore with everyone but me. He makes me feel like a 15 year old trying to play with dolls.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): I think this is a discussion that should have come up in the early stages of the relationship. Ie. what you'd saved up for marriage and what you expected etc. so that you could make sure you're on the same page.But here we are. So what to do?Well the first thing I will say is that it's not about his exs, what he has or hasn't done. You'll have to try really hard not to look at your relationship in comparative terms. It will drive you insane.The second thing to say is based on this sentence.'He's a great lover and always makes sure that I'm satisfied, but I can't help but feel that he's holding back.'This is the beginning and the end of your sexual problems. It's great that he wants to leave you satisfied. Let him know exactly what/how you want/need to be satisfied. If you frame your requests in this way, he is more likely to want to do it with you than if you say 'you were kinky with your exs, be kinky with me too'. If you praise his efforts and his attention and the way he is always willing to pleasure you then you ask him to try xyz because you always wanted to save it for your husband. That's a difficult request to turn down. At least not without wanting to compromise or explain himself. Basic psychology. You praise his efforts, he feels good about himself, you ask him to please do this for you since it makes you so happy. He'll be asking you what other things you want to try in no time.If this fails then he genuinely is uncomfortable with the acts you want. In which case, it would not be fair for you to keep pressuring him into doing things he's not comfortable with. You'd just have to deal with it. I say this in the nicest way possible.If he's already a great lover then just accept him the way he is. What else could you do, cheat? Break up? Exactly, those sound like drastic measures.This is why I recommend the carrot not the stick approach.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (9 December 2013):
 I can understand how you feel, but think about this for a moment, you could flip what your saying around 180 degrees and say because he is doing things vanilla with you but never did with his exes you have a part of him that they will never have. I think their are a couple of issues here, your worried that because he was kinker with them than he was with you, somehow that means they excited him more sexually, which isnt necessarily the case at all, the fact is wild people settle down, being wild gets old and what people want and need isnt a fixed and static thing but changes constantly.
The second issue I feel is that actually you may want some of the kinky stuff yourself. You said you have 'saved a lot of things for marriage' which suggests to me this could be an issue. If thats the case then you need to admit that to yourself - whether we know it or not, people are socialised and part of that socialisation is we are told that kinky stuff is somehow taboo, therefore wanting it is bad, therefore we cant always admit even to ourselves this is what we want. If this is the case here then the first thing you need to do is think through carefully really what this feeling you have is all about. Is it a feeling of sexual inferiority? If so, that is understandable, though as I pointed out at the top, not necessarily entirely logical, maybe you need to talk about this with your husband and ask him to explain why he has changed what he wants, I think he will give you an answer which solves your feeling of inferiority.
Or is it jealously bourne of the fact that really you want to do some kinky things? In this case you also need to speak to your husband about it and find a way for you both to have the sexual experiences that you want - either communication is the key because bottling this feeling up will do no good. Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (9 December 2013):
Possibly because he's been there, done that. A big part of 'kinky' sex is experimentation and exploring, and having done so and perhaps finding that the fantasy was better then the reality, he's no longer as interested. Also if there are some things he feels guilty about enjoying, he'd rather have done them with someone he can walk away from instead of a woman he hopes to be waking up to for the rest of his life. But he does owe you the chance to experience the stuff you want to try, and if married couples aren't open with one another, the marriage is badly handicapped. So have a long chat with him, spell it out and don't be shy- men are lousy at understanding hints.
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