A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im so confused. Ive been with my boyfriend for six years, in the beginning we had huge problems, he cheated a number of times and because he was my first love i forgave him. however for the last four years hes been the perfect boyfriend we've gotten on great! No issues at all. I went back to school to do my masters, this is due to finish in the next few months and fair enough im stressed with my work placement and my workload but this is my second time at university and im used to the stress. Hes been really supportive too. Yet im starting to question my feelings for him. We havent had sex since April, he kept trying and I just wasnt in the mood so I've told him to stop trying until i figure out whats up. I try my best now to see him. I feel like hes so clingy and every time I see his number pop up on my phone, I feel a sign of dread. I dont understand what happened or whats gone wrong. This has only happened since I started my work placement in May. I dont want our relationship to end, especially as I feel like ive waited 6 years to get to the point where we can finally start living our lives together, moving in etc but the past few months I just feel like thats not what I want anymore. Whats wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? And what should i do?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 There's nothing wrong with you, but you got to open your eyes to the fact that you aren't interested in him any longer. The only reason you want to stay is because you "waited" for 6 years to get to the point where you are now. Now what does that tell you? It tells you that where you are now is where you should have been 6 years ago. You weren't happy in this relationship, you were just waiting for it to get better. You had a shitty ride the first two years, and yes you were naive and gullible and a hopeless romantic, like so many young people are. You hoped for the best and for things to work out. But what happened? You spent the first year of your relationship, which should have been happy and lovely years, by being dragged through shit. You then spend the following years trying to repair the damage that was done, again not enjoying the relationship. Just waiting for it to get better. By now, finally it is getting on track and you're in a good place, but you know what? This is where you should have been 6 years ago. No wonder you're tired of him! You've been waiting and living in limbo and having a bad relationship with him for years, no wonder you are tired of it!
Him having been the perfect boyfriend for the last years doesn't really matter at all, because he should have been that lovely from the start. Now it was just to make amends... and it's just too little too late really. By the time he became a perfect boyfriend, you became bored with him.
Don't stay with him just because he finally became a lovely boyfriend now, after 6 years of waiting. Let him go make some other woman happy, now that he is polished and wonderful. And you go find yourself someone who will give you new energy, lift your spirits, give you butterflies in your belly and all the GREAT things you should have gotten 6 years ago... Go find a boyfriend who is the perfect boyfriend from the start for you. You've used up too much energy waiting and "working things out" with your current man. There's no energy left. It has drained you. It is time to call it a day and say it was an interesting ride that you learned a lot from, but now you're tired and need to be with someone who actually makes you happy without 6 years of "working it out" first.
Once you remove yourself from this relationship and look back you will see very clearly why you feel the way you do, and not find it strange at all. I don't find it strange at all that you feel the way you do about him. You've used up all your energy, that's all. And he's not giving you energy in return, despite you thinking he is "perfect" now. It's just not good enough, and nothing can make up for the first years of your relationship that sucked your energy out of you. You shouldn't spend a relationship waiting.. You should ENJOY every stage and moment of a relationship. Not hang around waiting for it to get better, that would drain anyone and make anyone feel like you feel now.
You're young, very young, and there is no need to feel like you have to stick to your boyfriend just because you've been with him for 6 years. 6 years is nothing. You still have 60 years or more left of your life. There are far more interesting people you can spend those 60 years with....
A
female
reader, sneha09  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 I agree with Dorothy Dix, regarding this.Its all about Do u see a future with him??Its your age to consider this,you started it in a much young age and this was not the concern at that time.May be because you see all blank before you with him in future and that's why you are like this and may be the pressure of your studies is just coming your way at this time.So whatever it is, after you complete your degree,give it a thought but before you sit with your boyfriend let yourself be clear about your thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (30 August 2013):
Hi there. Six years together is quite a long time, and especially now that you are 22-25 years old, as it says here, this means you were 16-19 years old when you first started dating.
And that is very young indeed.
And in that 6 years of being together, you have both evolved quite a lot, just with life experience and maturity alone.
Which then means, that you are quite a bit different now, compared to then.
And so your life philosophy and what you want now, is also very different from 6 years ago.
And so your life situation has changed dramatically now, as well - to what it was 6 years ago.
And you are now studying for your second degree, which is naturally very stressful for anyone.
And because of this stress, you wouldn't feel like sex very much at all.
So that is not at all surprising, really.
But from what you say here, not having sex with him, is not the greater part of the problem, is it?
Although for him, he could be interpreting you not wanting sex with him, to mean that you might be seeing someone else.
And this would no doubt be making him rather insecure.
Because clingyness, is usually a sign of insecurity.
A fear he may be losing you.
And this could be coming directly from you not feeling in the mood for sex, because of the stress of your studying.
But I am not sure, your boyfriend realizes this yet.
In any relationship, if sex suddenly stops or becomes much less frequent all of a sudden for no apparent reason, the first thing the other person thinks, is that you must have someone else.
And being that in the early part of your relationship, he had cheated on you on a few occasions, he is now making the assumption, that you might be cheating on him.
And this is only because he was cheating on you in the first place.
And you then not trusting him, he is now wondering if he should be trusting you.
And so he is beginning to have some doubts of his own.
The only way you will put his mind at rest, is to make it clear to him that it is because of the stress of studying for your second degree.
And why you are not sure you want to get more serious with him and move in together, could be as a direct result of his clingyness, and your doubts that he might become controlling if you were to move in together.
And his clingyness would certainly affect your feelings for him, if he is wanting to check up on you all the time, and wanting to know what you are doing when you are not with him.
And this would definitely affect how you feel for him, for sure.
And it could make you doubt your own feelings for him now.
And so I believe this is a part of the problem also, and you may be feeling less attracted to him, plus the stress of studying, is compounding the problem.
Perhaps you need to sit down together and talk about this.
He does need to know if your feelings towards him have changed.
You owe him at least that much.
And it goes without saying, you both need to be on the same page as far as the relationship is concerned.
And with so much of your time used up going to university studying for your second degree, it doesn't leave you with much time to just think about what else you want in life.
Nevertheless, it is something you DO need to think about very seriously.
And especially, after 6 years being together.
When you have some time to yourself - and he is out - you need to think about where you want your relationship with him to go.
And I mean, do you see yourself wanting to spend the rest of your life with him?
As his wife, and perhaps some children in years to come, as well.
These are things you need to be thinking about, and even more so, that you are now starting to have some doubts about your relationship with him.
You need to be absolutely sure you both want the same things.
I think not having sex and the impact on him, is probably the least of your problems now.
The real issue now, is:-
(1) How do you honestly feel about him?
And,
(2) Do you see a future with him - long term?
And you MUST sit down together - once you know what you really want - and talk about what you want, and what he wants.
It's imperative that you have this discussion, and sooner rather than later.
Don't wait till your degree is finished.
This of course, depends on how much longer you will be studying for.
Because, you really don't want your relationship to affect your study in a negative way.
And so you do need to take some kind of action as soon as possible.
You need to clear the air, once and for all.
And once you do talk about it, you will both feel much better after, I promise you.
And as well as this, you will BOTH be very clear on the path ahead.
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