A
male
age
41-50,
*uk
writes: I knew her for about a year and I would describe it as off and on. We would talk continually online, email and text. Meeting up as friends, with her eventually coming onto me by making suggestive comments and texts leading to sex. We would last for a few weeks then when I asked her to commit she would get a panicked expression and then a day or so later I would get a phone call or email where she would claim there is no chemistry and leave me. A few weeks later she would contact me to see “how I was “and we would again slip back to the continual communication.I had made excuses for her behaviour as when we met she was 6 months into her divorce process. Apparently throughout this time she was online dating. She met someone else, and when she finally told me I said we needed to stop. Over the course of the next month she would contact me and tell me that she loved me, that we were soulmates, etc. Yet when I asked her to be with me she could not commit. The only reason she would give is chemistry and that sex wasn’t right, yet she was the one initiating. She decided to cut contact and went with the other man. I fell to pieces and lost my dignity and did and said everything I shouldn’t have done.3 months later she adds me back onto her IM and sends me an email telling me about her life and that she is really happy and made the right decision. She is still with the other man. After trying to talk things through and reason with her she cuts contact. A few months after that she adds me to IM again, we briefly talk. This is from her old email address and I’m told her new address and added to that IM. I try and keep things light. I sent her an email it was ignored, so leave it. She randomly initiates contact and I only respond and do not contact her. As when I did try it was ignored. I discover that I’m blocked from her current email and whilst saddened by this behaviour let it go. Every so often an IM appears from her old address with hello stranger. If I am not online and respond later, I am ignored. I get fed up with this so on three occasions I ask if we can have a phone conversation. I’m given a number of excuses as to why her phone is broken (3 different in total over 3 months). I finally snap and send her an email challenging her on this secretive behaviour to which I’m told her boyfriend knows that we are speaking and that she is weary of unblocking me from her actual email. I respond to her by saying that if she wants to speak to me that she can do it from her actual email or phone. Before I’m able to log on she has blocked me again, so I figure this is an end to matters. Another few months pass and I’m yet again unblocked from her old email. She is logged on but doesn’t say anything but logs in and out repeated. I leave it, but it has me puzzled. Unfortunately curiosity gets the better of me and I look at her profile on face book. It seems that she decided to add her boyfriend the man she left me for, on my birthday. This was within a week of unblocking me, and almost 2 years since they met. Stupidly I email asking if it was a mistake that I was unblocked again or did she wish to talk. No reply… Weeks later she is online again logging in and out repeatedly. I acknowledge her presence, to which I’m greeted by several messages including an excuse as to why she didn’t reply to my last email. I have responded by simply stating that she left me 2 years ago, I am happy to talk to her but it is to be in the open and that it was time to move on with life and leave the past behind. Funnily enough no reply. A few months later an again she is online on her old email, logging in and out repeatedly. I am happy to be friends with her, just got to be in the open.We have no mutual friends and live in different cities.I’m just generally living my life and leaving her get on with hers.I would like to know people’s opinions on why would she behave in this manner?
View related questions:
divorce, ex girlfriend, move on, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 September 2013):
Hi. She could create other new addresses, it's hard to say.
When you said earlier on that she opened and closed email addresses, or something like that, I was thinking that she might have used different addresses.
Maybe not.
In any case though, if you do see any emails from her, just delete them without even reading them.
And this will avoid getting your hopes up or anything like that, which will make you unhappy.
And it will make it easier for you to move on with your life.
A
male
reader, puk +, writes (17 September 2013):
puk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you really think it would come to her creating other email addresses? She is in a relationship which has been going for a while.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (17 September 2013):
Hi there. Yes, with some people for sure, adding all sorts of information onto their personal Facebook page, and constantly changing their status etc., can be about getting attention, I agree.
It probably is rather handy that you are an hour away from each other, and so it is fairly unlikely that you will ever run into each other when you are out and about.
So that is one positive.
And it will make the whole process of trying to get her out of your mind, a lot easier as well.
And so the distance between you, will be to your advantage.
And another wise thing for you to do, is don't go checking your emails too often either.
Because you will be tempted to see if she has left you any messages.
And then you might go into the emails to see what she said to you.
Don't avoid checking through your general emails entirely, because there will be some from other people, you will want to hear from.
Perhaps what you might do from now on, when you are generally checking your email list, if you see one from her - and I assume you know her email address by now - well then, just delete it, without even reading it.
Even if she keeps changing her email address, you will probably recognize that it is from her, just by the subject title line. It could be a hint that it is from her.
And by doing this, you avoid any hassles at all, because you won't be reading her emails anymore.
And so you short-circuit any upset or frustration, before it can happen in the first place.
To do this, might be helpful.
...............................
A
male
reader, puk +, writes (16 September 2013):
puk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf as I believe this is all about getting attention, social media is just another means.
Hopefully if I ignore her it will be the end if it. We live in different cities an hour apart and gave no mutual friends. "Accidentally" adding someone from an old dead account online is easier than "accidentally" bumping into them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (15 September 2013):
I think that is a very wise idea.
Apart from anything else, visiting those social media websites, can become a bit addictive.
And it can take up a lot of your time.
You don't want to put yourself through that frustration anymore, of checking her Facebook page.
I promise you, life will become a whole lot easier, if you don't go down that path at all.
...............................
A
male
reader, puk +, writes (13 September 2013):
puk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm well aware of staying away from social media. I used to do it when she reappeared as I wanted to see if it was on the level.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (12 September 2013):
Hi there. You're very welcome.
It probably has been too long already, and you know when you have had enough.
And it sounds like you feel that way now.
Your gut feeling is pretty much on the money here, and her actions all seem to be for the sole purpose of seeing what your feelings are for her.
And no doubt, to get a reaction from you.
I believe you are making a very wise decision to ignore her from now on.
And to ignore her, means no answering her text messages or any of her emails either.
And of course, DON'T send her any either.
And I also strongly recommend that you DON'T go onto her Facebook page - no matter how tempting it is - because that will only torment you all the more, because you are bound to see things you don't want to see.
And you have already seen the dating profile she has put up there, which was annoying for you then.
And by NOT visiting her Facebook page, you will not be reminded of an already frustrating and annoying situation.
It will then be a case of out of sight, and out of mind.
And only then, will you have a sense of peace.
Because at the moment, you don't really have too much peace at all, do you?
You definitely deserve much better than this.
She doesn't deserve you.
You are too good for her, that's for sure.
And so it will be HER loss - not yours.
...............................
A
male
reader, puk +, writes (11 September 2013):
puk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you.
These are the conclusions I have already drawn for myself.
Just really needed to have them confirmed.
My gut was telling me that these behaviors were to get a reaction.
Not going to set a future deadline. It's been too long already.
Just going to ignore from now on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (11 September 2013):
Hi there. Is is possible that when she has got back in contact with you and is "stupidly happy" as you put it, that she was emailing you, to see if she could get a reaction from you - such as jealousy?
Because, like you, I see no reason to send someone an email just to say that.
What would be the point of it?
Other than to get some kind of reaction, to gauge how she thought you felt about her.
Rather immature behaviour, wouldn't you say?
I mean, why bother to email at all?
What was she hoping to gain by doing that?
I can't think of anything, other than what I already said - to see if she could make you feel jealous.
And if that did happen, well then she would think - "Oh, so he does care?"
It would have been better for her to call you and say "Hi! How are you going? Have you been keeping well?"
The direct approach, she doesn't seem to know about it.
To be direct with someone, lets that person know exactly where they stand.
And let's face it, you want some certainty here.
And at the moment, she isn't really giving you that, is she?
As you have said here, she has all dating profile information on her Facebook page, which clearly shows the world that she is on the dating scene.
If I was reading that, and I was in your position, I would be feeling rather annoyed.
In fact, not only would I be feeling very annoyed, I would be seriously thinking of just giving up on her altogether.
It seems like she is playing games.
And she most likely knows that you will look at her Facebook page, and so then she gloats about being stupidly happy etc., to rub it in your face.
Like rubbing salt into an already painful wound.
That's how it would feel.
I would say that you don't try and ask her what is going on, because she won't be direct with you.
She will feel cornered and back herself right out of that corner and no contact again from her, for a while.
It just seems like a whole bunch of games, to me.
She cares, she doesn't care.
This is something you are going to have to make a decision about.
I won't influence you either way, because this is your life.
I can only say what I see here, that perhaps you may not see yourself.
And so I have the luxury of being able to be objective.
What needs to happen, is that you decide for yourself how much longer you are prepared to put up with all this nonsense of hers, before you decide that enough is enough.
At the moment, it really doesn't show any encouraging signs of changing, does it?
And with each passing day, you must surely be getting pretty fed up with it all by now.
Perhaps you could set a timeframe - say 3 months from now - as the deadline for her to become clear with you, or not, and then you decide in your mind, that you don't want anything more to do with her.
She could go on like this for months, or even years.
Do you really want to wait that long?
While ever you do hang in there for something good to happen, you are missing out on true happiness with someone truly worthy of your love.
It doesn't seem like she is that person.
...............................
A
male
reader, puk +, writes (10 September 2013):
puk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I wouldn't call her a friend or girlfriend. I don't know what it was. All I know that towards the end her family were asking to meet me and thought we were together. Guess rebound or fling is appropriate. Whilst I still care about her; hence posting on here. I'm not interested in trying to rekindle a relationship with her. Just would like to speak and find out what's going on. Mainly because I felt she was unhappy. The first time I heard from her was an email telling me how stupidly happy she was. If it was true, why contact me out of the blue to say it.I have in the past tried to be direct with her and your right it just makes her run away. When she has reappeared in the past I did look at her social media, before responding it has just added to my frustration. Especially seeing new online dating profiles.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 September 2013):
Hi there. No, I have never been divorced.
I'm very happily married for almost 28 years now.
As I have lived my life, I have learned things as I go along, and I have listened to my intuition, which always serves me well.
Okay, so you were mainly good friends, rather that boyfriend and girlfriend, specifically.
Friendship was probably most appropriate, seeing that her divorce was still going on.
From what you say here, she must have a low self esteem, and this could go back to her childhood.
There isn't anything you can do about that.
Perhaps also, the lack of self confidence in her, might be increased by the divorce.
When relationships fail, it can definitely affect our confidence levels in a negative way.
We feel good about ourselves when things are going well.
And so the opposite is also true.
Nothing you ever said or did, I'm sure.
I agree that indecision of whether to be in a relationship is the same as the indecision as to whether to end one, yes that is true.
It is simply a case of not knowing which way to go.
It is a case of not being sure.
Not knowing which is the best option.
People keeping tabs on their exes, probably still do have feelings for that person, and perhaps may be having doubts that ending it may not have been the right decision.
And especially some people could keep tabs on their exes, if they haven't met anyone else yet, themselves.
And they could be checking to see if their ex has met someone new.
Just out of curiosity.
Plus there is the thought that they could be wondering if they could make it work, should they decide to get back together.
It makes sense.
Couples usually only end a relationship if they feel there is no hope of things getting better.
And if they really believe they have tried everything they can think of, to improve things.
In other words, as a very last resort.
It seems like she still needs some more time, to really be sure about where she is going.
And so in the meantime, you will have to keep yourself busy and going out with and seeing your friends, and if you have any hobbies or interests to keep you amused, this will all help to distract you from feeling miserable.
Unfortunately, you really can't force a decision out of her, and it is very likely that the more you try, the more she will withdraw.
And so you are going to need to be very patient.
But don't sit around and mope over this, as it will only make it seem so much worse.
What might help you here, is if you remind yourself that she is still with this other man, and that might encourage you to give her the space she needs right now.
And let her initiate any further contact with you.
And for your own peace of mind, perhaps don't go online very often, so you won't be tempted to visit any of the chat sites or social media sites that you usually talk to her on.
And you also won't see things there that might further exacerbate an already frustrating situation.
So don't tempt fate, is what I am really saying.
All it would do is make you even more unhappy than you already are.
...............................
A
male
reader, puk +, writes (6 September 2013):
puk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMay I ask if you are answering from personal experience?
I had a look over what I had previously written; we didn’t just meet up and have sex. More that we’d meet up a few times as friends then over time this would lead to being physical. We were emotionally and intellectually intertwined. But our lives completely separate. We owned nothing together and did not even share friends. When it ended there was nothing.
I do understand that divorces are harder than normal breakups with the logistical and practical things which need to be dealt with at the time of separation. Additionally the loss of dreams of family life and how your life will pan out; no one marries with an end in mind.
Being led by someone else is probably true she would often feign helplessness, even though she was incredibly capable. I also am aware of feeling of low self-esteem, she didn’t like me looking at her and once told me that I didn’t enjoy being with her.
But this is all stuff that is years in the past, surely?
I can get the whole being unsure of a relationship, yet we remain in them as remaining in the relationship is better than facing life alone. I have done it myself.
Indecision about being in a relationship can equally apply to leaving one.
The only people who I know who keep tabs on their exes are those who want to be with them, or those couples that always have a thing and you think just get together already. Just never thought either was the case.
Guess I am frustrated, as I would just like to have a direct conversation and deal with things. I’ve tried being both gentle and direct and all it seems to do put her off for a few months.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (5 September 2013):
Hi there. It must be pretty frustrating for you, being in this situation.
And the worst part of it, is the uncertainty.
And not knowing where you really stand in all this.
From what you say here, perhaps she wanted to be led by someone else in a relationship - especially where some kind of decision had to be made.
This doesn't really work.
Any decisions must be discussed between the two people in that relationship - and not just one person always having it left up to them.
When a person can't make a decision - or WON'T make a decision - it is almost as though their heart isn't in it.
And if not that, it could be more that they don't know what they really want.
Again, the indecisiveness.
Plus, she had the divorce proceedings on her mind at that time, as well.
And what was happening there, would have been almost constantly on her mind and distracting her from focussing fully on anything else.
And it would have been a HUGE distraction for her.
And so therefore, it would have very heavily impacted her relationship with you.
And that would in turn create even more restlessness in her.
...............................
A
male
reader, puk +, writes (3 September 2013):
puk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your insights. You seem to show a lot of empathy. I don’t really want to go down the thought process that maybe she liked me more than she likes him. The situation is what it is, and when given the choice she picked another. The being indecisive, strikes a chord. When I knew her she seemed to what to abdicate responsibility. Wanting others to make decisions for her. She often wanted me to tell her off for doing something or for me to just tell her what to do. This wasn’t something I would do. I don’t know if her current boyfriend is checking her emails or messages, all I know is that she reappears by using an old email address. However being unable to just speak directly to me makes me think it’s being hidden from him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (3 September 2013):
Hi. Although she is in a relationship with this other man, she may not like him as much as she liked you.
And she may be comparing what you had with her, to what she has with him.
Even if you didn't see a lot of each other before she met him.
The online dating thing while she knew you, was maybe that she wanted to go out with as many guys as she could, in an attempt to get over the divorce.
And to try and forget her husband.
And not to mention, not really knowing WHAT she wants from life now.
A kind of restlessness.
And I think she is very restless.
Chopping and changing in the dating field, really shows a sense of being lost.
She needs to find herself, and what direction in life she wants to take.
When a person chops and changes things in their life, whether it is changing jobs, or changing dating partners, or constantly changing cars - it all stems back to a strong feeling of being lost, and searching for what really matters.
I really think she is searching.
When something so harrowing as a divorce is happening, that is probably the worst time to try and find another life partner.
It is such BAD timing.
And it is like trying desperately to find someone, so they won't be alone.
Which is of course, the wrong reason.
It would have been so much better if you had've met 1 year to 18 months or even 2 years down the track - once the divorce was well and truly settled.
You met each other when it was not even half way through the divorce process, and that can be extrememly challenging for everyone concerned.
Difficult for her, and difficult for you - being in the middle of it all.
And there can be so many hassles associated with divorce settlements - and who gets what, and money etc.
And sometimes it isn't unusual for divorce settlements to still be happening 2 years after the first request for a divorce.
There can be many many arguments over this and that - between the 2 people concerned - and it can almost be like a nightmare.
And this of course, impacts directly on new romantic partners of the divorcees.
I still think she is hedging her bets - when he logs on and off quickly, and blocks and unblocks you - just in case the current relationship of hers ends.
And you said yourself, that her current boyfriend checks her emails, etc. and sees who she has been chatting with.
And so that would certainly explain why she does this.
I just really think she is very confused at the moment, about what she wants from life now.
Her old life was the marriage to her husband.
Then the divorce.
And so now she has some thinking to do, about what path she wants to take with her life now.
As one door closes, another door opens.
And I honestly believe, that she is still very much undecided.
And what's more, it could take another 6 months to about 1 year, for her to finally realize where she is going.
And this decision can't be made by anyone else but her.
...............................
A
male
reader, puk +, writes (2 September 2013):
puk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for your responses.I’ve accepted it’s over and if she wanted me we would be together. Yes, it hurt but it’s been a while and that’s life. I’m not going to say I don’t care but it is what it is.The whole not willing to get into a relationship is my impression of what happened, but then again she went off and started one.I just didn’t get why bother with the unblocking, etc? It just seems bizarre, normally when an ex reappears in my life it’s either a chance meeting or they’re trying to rekindle something be it friends or more. This seems to be neither, so hence my asking about it.The being unsure and safety net thing makes a little sense, but it’s been a couple of years now. Her relationship should be established and secure. As for what he thinks about it, I don’t know as I very much doubt he is aware of her behaviour. Can you be unsure for that length of time?
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (31 August 2013):
Hi there. It seems that since her divorce, and actually during the process, she is very unsure of what she really wants.
When you met her, there was a lot going on with the divorce proceedings, and all that entails, so she had a lot on her plate to deal with then.
And was most likely very wary of becoming too deeply involved with anyone at the time.
It also seems that she is weighing up all her options - regarding relationships - just in case the man she is with now, doesn't work out.
And this could be why she continually logs in and out of the website where you used to chat, just to see what you are up to.
Or else, to see if you have left any messages there for her.
And if you have - even though she often doesn't answer them - this tells her that you are still interested.
And so in a way, she has a backup, for if the current relationship ends.
Then she can turn to you.
It does seem like that, don't you think?
And this is why the turning hot and cold all the time happens.
You are like her safety net, I suppose you might say.
This isn't to say she is using you, because I don't believe this is her intention at all.
Since her divorce, she is being careful and keeping all her options open, so she always has someone in her life.
And I know this doesn't sound very positive to you.
And I really do think she does have feelings for you still, otherwise why would she check on you all the time, the way she does?
And why would she email or call or whatever she does, to say how she feels about you?
If a person didn't care, they wouldn't bother to do all that, would they?
Of course they wouldn't.
And then she blocks you and unblocks you, so what does that tell you?
It says very clearly, that she is still making up her mind about everything.
And the jury is still out on that verdict.
And it not only says something about her feelings for you, it also says something about how she feels about this new boyfriend.
It tells me that she isn't quite sure about him, or that relationship.
In short, I don't think she has a clue what she wants!
Or WHO she wants!
And so, she is going to have to make a decision about this - sooner rather than later.
And then you can ALL move on, once and for all.
It is just as unsettling for her present boyfriend, as it is for you.
Her contact with you, makes him feel insecure, and probably he is wondering where he stands in all of this.
And I don't blame him for that, do you?
If you were him, you would also be wondering where her loyalty lie, I'm sure.
Everything is kind of in limbo, at the moment.
Or at least, until she finally decides what it is she DOES want.
And if she isn't careful, she will end up with NO-ONE!
Because this present boyfriend, might decide he has had enough, and end it with her.
I really don't believe she is deliberately playing games with you, I honestly think she is becoming confused with her feelings, and really doesn't know what to do.
She has feelings for him, and she still has feelings for you also.
The old love triangle.
And it could take some time for her to finally make a decision.
In the meantime though, just give her some space.
Which means, no emails, texts, messages online - nothing.
And if any contact at all happens, it will need to be intiated by HER - not you.
And start getting on with your own life, seeing your friends and going out socializing and having fun.
Don't spend all your free time worrying about what her next move will be.
You might be waiting a long time.
And life is way too short to be unhappy, that's for sure.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 August 2013):
 Why bother with this girl?
You both behaved like 15 year old. You didn't like to get used for sex when it was convinient for HER (which I get) she didn't like being called out on her behavior. So she found someone else.
That SHOULD have been the end of it. She didn't WANT you, and again, I get that it hurt to hear that, but instead of cutting her out of your life you start playing games, JUST like she did.
BLOCK her - CUT off ALL communications with her and move on.
Unless you want to date a woman who isn't into you or emotionally available.
...............................
|
