A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a well-educated, successful, fun-loving, adventurous, and attractive woman and have had no problem finding dates, when I want them. The problem has been finding guys who are emotionally available and ready for a relationship. The last relationship I had, I was burned pretty badly, after 10 months, the guy ended it and kind of dragged me through the mud, as he wasn't completely ready to let go of me, and I was attached, so I let him (for a while). After that, I was a little gun shy about jumping into relationships, plus really busy with a new job, so I really didn't have a lot of time to commit to one person.So, I started seeing a new guy two months ago, under the premise that I would see how it went, that I would just date him casually until I figured out what I really wanted out of it. He was in a transition point in his life too (his dog had just died and he lost his day job), so he wasn't sure about having a relationship either.As I've gotten to know him, there are parts about him that I really like, because he is much different from any of the guys I have dated in the past. He has a lot of interesting views on life and he generally makes me feel really good and at peace when I'm around him. However, he has very low self-esteem, and has been badly hurt also (he hasn't had a serious relationship in 9 years), and, I think, is constantly (internally) questioning my motives for liking him. I think he has gotten to the point where he kind of wonders, in a paranoid way, if I am hiding some humongous flaw, because I like him and continue to hang out with him.Also, he isn't particularly responsive or communicative via phone or text, often taking hours to respond to a text (even if he has just texted me prior to my response). His friends have also all gotten on his case for being a bad communicator via phone and text, so it's not just me. However, now, the gap between communications from him is widening. At the beginning of this month, he let two weeks go by without so much as a "hello" via text, and, then he texted me, asking me out, like we had been communicating the whole time. When I did see him, he said, "It's been a long time since I've seen you" like it was "on me" to ask him out. Doesn't the phone work both ways?Anyway, I've seen him once a week for the past two weeks. We always have long dates and do lots of things together, but then I don't hear from him for a week or more. The problem is, I guess I'm starting to like him (why? in spite of his flaws, he is interesting to me) and want to get to know him a bit more, and I feel like he is pulling away. I can't figure out why, as he claims to like me a lot. I'm not needy or clingy, and I might occasionally send him a quick Facebook link or something regarding something we've discussed at length in person during the week, but I don't hound him and respect his space. I haven't heard from him since Sunday (it's now Friday), and it's a long weekend in the U.S. I'm torn because I wonder if this is just his communication style, or if he's really pulling back from me. I'm thinking that, if I don't hear from him this weekend, I should really just try to move on. My questions are:1) If he does communicate with me, should I talk to him about any of this, or should I just pull away and make him chase me (after the 2-week non-communication stint, I would think he would know I'm not one to chase him if he's not interested)? If I should talk to him, what should I say?2) Has anyone ever been in this kind of a situation and, with time, had it work out to where the guy got over whatever fear of intimacy he was having?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice! I think both of you are probably right, in ways, although I will say that I really don't think he is seeing anyone else, based on what he has told me about his dating style in the past. He did contact me and ask me out this weekend, but when I pushed for more details, he again took FOREVER to reply. I'm guessing that this is his communication style (inconsiderate), and now it's up to me to decide whether its even worth it to out up with (probably not). We are supposed to hang out tonight, but, as usual, he hasn't given me a solid time, and it is after 3:30 p.m. Sigh! Now I'm not even sure if I should go, even if he does contact me. It's SO rude!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): I think if a guy genuinely likes you there is nothing in the world (even fear) that would stop him from being on his best behavior with you and not missing an opportunity to be in touch with you.
You know his friends might be going along with the "story" that he is hard to get in touch with because they are playing along with him. They are lying to you. Guys genuinely protect each other. And they lie for each other. It happens all the time. He wants to get in your pants so they are all telling you what you want to hear to make him sound legit. That's what guys and their friends do. Guys are so good at this, oftentimes they can lie on cue without even being forewarned of what to say. It's quite a skill. That whole story of how he is hard to get in touch with, his friends are lying for him.
I don't think he is scared and I don't think his self esteem is preventing him from being completely interested. I think he just isn't all that interested. Maybe he is dating someone else.
The only way I would confront him about this is if you both are in a serious relationship AND have slept together. But if I just met a guy I was casually dating, regardless if I had slept with him or not, I wouldn't confront him if he started to back off. There is no commitment or anything solid enough between the two of you to confront him for. It is one of those situations you just move on and live and learn from.
And yes I have been in this situation and like you, I too made excuses. Most of the time, with his behavior, it usually means there is definitely somebody else he is interested in/dating. Especially if he is not calling for weeks and waiting till the last minute to make plans. In my experience, that always means there is somebody else. And you can play hard to get and let him chase you but most people know in the first five minutes of meeting someone whether they truly like that person or not. It's been two months. I don't think he is going to realize anything. In fact, I think he is playing you. And apparently he is pretty good at it.
You are a fabulous girl, move on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 I don't blame him for doubting your interest. He has nothing to offer you right now. If you want to know what he is up to, he is probably looking at old photos of his dog, sitting at the computer looking for a job, sleeping in late with his hair messy.
I think either you aim for relationships or just casual dating, jump right in or go slow, you are bound to run into frogs. It's frustrating that you tried many and with each one you say he's gotta be the one.
I think you should just keep looking.
If you are interested in him, just be a friend while you look elsewhere. Chances are if you date other guys he would cease to be interesting. He's not the kind of guy who would lose interest just because you chase him. I think it's his bad time management or other things going on. He has presented himself as unavailable, basically saying he won't make a good boyfriend. You gotta believe him. He is not going to risk his heart because he knows that you would leave him for better guys.
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