A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 36, and my husband's 40, we have a 15-year-old daughter.He admitted last night that he'd been going to a male prostitutes to "talk" and have a few beers, and even gave me his mobile number! My husband also said no sex was involved and that he had issues he couldn't discuss with me but that he could with this guy.Now I know where he went when he said he was with the guys from work.I phoned the number when he was out at work and some Latino man answered, and he said, sure enough, no sex was involved, they were just boozing and watching NASCAR. He said he was shocked to discover that I was his wife, he didn't mention a wife to him. He then told me that he was a cool guy, everything was about beer and nachos and sports/DVDs. The guy told me he sometimes gets clients around Boystown, but finds his relationship with my husband special and emotionally satisfying.Is this a friendship or something else, or a friendship that I dont need to be concerned about, or is this an issue I should be concerned about further?As it is, our sex life is generally good on the whole, so I don't think sex is a motivation here.What is his game plan? I don't understand it... I have tried asking him but he just says "we're the guys, having some fun and guy stuff".Is this an odd friendship and do I need to be concerned?Where do I take this from here?[WILL GET AN ACCOUNT SOON, SORRY, LOGGED IN FROM PUBLIC COMPUTER]
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 Yes definitely odd behavior. My guess is he is possibly exploring his sexuality and is withholding from you for whatever reason. He is either building it up or he has already tried.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Honestly, use your gut feeling here.
You say your sex life is good and so sex can't be the motivation, but please don't be naive. Men can always have more sex. (For men, sex is like pizza. There is always room for another slice.)
I'm not saying he is sleeping with this man, but I just don't see any hard evidence to say he is not -- you are going on the word of your husband, and the word of a male prostitute whom you have never met.
You need to get yourself tested for all possible STDs, as soon as possible. You should use protection with your husband, if you are not doing so already.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (10 August 2013):
 If all that he was in need of is advice, he'd go to a support network or pay for a therapist; he wouldn't pay for a male prostitute to be his friend. That's..kinda weird.
My guess is that he's building up to confronting a curiosity that he has, a curiosity that pertains to some level of the queer spectrum. If I were in your position, I would ask my husband questions that would subtly force him to relay information regarding any curiosities he may have.
Since your husband's behavior is far from normal, I think it's fair to assume that he himself is not 100% comfortable with his actions yet. So, however you approach him, do it non-accusingly and supportively.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 Like most of the people who commented here, I would be very concerned about this unusual friendship.
What is your gut instinct telling you? Listen to your gut.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): I am gay, and it would greatly concern me; if my gay partner paid a male prostitute for company. Whether sex is involved, or not.
Your husband is coming to terms with feelings. That is the problem he cannot discuss with you. How could he discuss his feelings to his wife; if he thinks he may be gay?
He's 40, married, and has a child. He knows exactly how you would react. He thinks he's being transparent and forthcoming. I find the approach awkward; if not totally suspect.
However; he could have just as easily gone to a local LGBT Health Collective; and gotten free advice and support. They offer referrals for support groups and family-counseling.
I would think paying for a counselor would have been more productive. Paying to sit around watching NASCAR and having beers, is just a prelude to getting up the nerve to satisfy his sexual curiosity. He has chosen someone, and feels he is building trust in the process.
You now have enough information to formulate an opinion.
He thinks he has technically devalued any evidence to support he is cheating on you. That is debatable. He uses a system of technicalities to get around things. You and I see the core of it all. You're not a stupid woman.
You do have to sit and discuss how this all will affect your marriage. I do suggest that you insist that you both be tested for HIV, and any other STD's. Just in case he has made a slip, and did in fact have sex with a known prostitute. Or any partner (regardless of gender), other than you.
Handle everything calmly. Remember, you have a fifteen year-old daughter, and she is old enough to know there is a problem. She may not be psychologically prepared to deal with it. It may come as a shock.
Bear in mind, teens are a lot more progressive in their thinking about gay and lesbian issues; than most people twice their age. They are more exposed and better informed than you may be.
It isn't easy discovering, or accepting, that one of your parents may be gay. That may mean a dramatic separation and/or divorce. That would be the most traumatic part of it.
He has given you an opening to a discussion. By disclosing all that he has,so far. Therefore; he is offering you an opportunity for dialogue.
He has taken a very strategic approach, to avoid a potentially emotional and explosive reaction.
Regardless of your decided approach to this. He is your husband, and the father of your child. Don't make it more traumatic for her than it has to be. She comes first. Not to devalue; or undermine your feelings in any way.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (9 August 2013):
 Seriously, why is your husband PAYING for friendship? Is he that unlikeable? Can he not go down to the bar and drink a few beers, talk with some dudes and watch sports on the television?
Having gay friends does not make you gay, but paying to spend time with a gay prostitute certainly has some implications that your husband have some sort of sexual need that is fulfilled by this guy. Maybe it's something really outside the box like, he enjoys being in the presence of a man who has sex with other men. Maybe this guy masturbates while your husband is around. I don't know what your fella is into, but it just seems pretty hard to believe that your husband is PAYING for time with this guy to do nothing but watch NASCAR. If they're really just friends, then why the money? Again, him having a gay friend doesn't mean anything about his sexuality, but paying to spend time with a gay prostitute certainly seems to.
I don't know if I'd believe everything this prostitute says either - I mean, your husband could have EASILY called him up and said, "hey - you might get a call, just don't say anything about us having sex, alright?"
Could be that your husband has slept with other prostitutes, but this one he just prefers lighter entertainment/friendship with. I mean, your husband did admit to seeing multiple men.
I would absolutely be concerned. I would also be concerned for your health - doesn't matter if your husband has been seeing a man or a woman, he's possibly had sex with someone else, and that someone else could be a prostitute, who is much more likely to have contracted something. You should go and get checked out, maybe send your husband to therapy, and be very dubious about the innocence of this situation.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (9 August 2013):
I would be worried. That is an odd relationship. This is odd behaviour. I wouldn't be comfortable with it at all. Your husband paying for friendship with prositutes.
The prostitute you were talking may not of had sex with your husband but your husband admitted seeing prositutes........plural. I would be most worried of STDs and HIV.
Why did your husband decided to come clean about these relationships? Does he not have male friends that he can speak with? I realize you love your husband but you must also love yourself enough to make she you are safe. He owes that to you and your daughter. You need to carefully way out the facts.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013):
I would be concerned?! I mean what's wrong in talking to a straight male, why seek out a gay prostitue whom I will assume he pays for his time..
What emotion attachment is he getting from this person that you can't give?
What issues can he discuss that he can't discuss with you?
Your his wife, and that is supposed to mean that together you tackle the world .. Together you stand tall.
I would suggest that you both go to counseling before this before more of an mountain than a hill.
Take care x
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (9 August 2013):
 I would be worried?! Why does your husband need to pay for friends and why choose a gay man? I wouldn't necessarily assume they were sleeping together but maybe this is how your husband comes to terms with his sexuality. It is possible there are some gay feelings there.
Maybe counselling for your husband?
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (9 August 2013):
 Why don't you believe him? If you believe that nothing sexual is going on and he IS just hanging out with the guy then you wouldn't have cause to be concerned.I suggest trusting your husband and letting him have this. Don't interfere, unless you have good reason to think there is something more going on. Let him have this, he probably really needs it. It's unusual for a guy to hire a male escort for this, sure, but maybe he just has trouble making close friends, and there's nothing wrong with that.So where do you take it from here? Do nothing.Look at it this way... if you make a big shit storm about it and make your husband stop seeing him, whether there is something going on or not, it's not going to address the problem, he's just going to find someone else and hide it from you.
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