A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been arguing a lot with my bf lately mostly because every time I talk about things that are happening to me at work or outside of work, he wants to fix everything. He ends up telling me what I should do and want to control me when I'm not even asking for help. It makes me want to not share anything for fear that its going to turn into an argument where he's going to tell me what to do. What can I do to make him understand that I don't want him to "save" me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): I'll tell you something: your boyfriend doesn't consider listening or hugging a way of helping you. For us, guys, "listening" is a waste of time when there are practical things that can be done in order to make things right. Him telling you the solutions is actually a proof he cares.
Of course you may voice your expectations, but your boyfriend will still regard listening and hugging as BS, even if he complies and changes his behavior.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): I am actually the opposite. My bf doesn't offer any solutions which annoys me because it makes me feel as if he doesn't care enough to expend some brain cells on my problem. We are both engineers so when I share a problem (even if it is a relationship problem) it is because I couldn't solve it on my own and want help. But his ex I guess didn't like him voicing his opinions when she would talk about her problems so now with me he just hears my problem and offers no effort.
To you, what would his "listening " - which you want - look like if not offering suggestions? It doesn't mean you have to do what he says.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (10 August 2013):
It is kind of hard to resist giving your own input as a boyfriend when the one you love is complaining. I agree sometimes that there is not a solution to everything and most of the time we all just need someone to listen. At the same time, maybe the things he is saying isn't all that bad? You love him so you want him to listen, he loves you so he wants to help you.
The best thing to do is not over react to his statement but instead realise he is only trying to help you in his own way. It doesn't have to turn into an argument either as you can also listen to what he has to say and give him his room to talk. Then he will shut up and you can continue expressing how you feel.
There are some comedy shows on youtube which can lighten this mood for you and may even help him understand what it is you want. Search, on youtube, for "women's brains and men's brains" and someone by Mark Gungor will have a video on this topic. Give it a look and maybe show it to your bf. I hope this helps
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Well I've had the same problem with my wife for the past 12 years and still haven't figured out what to do! But maybe it will help you if you look at it from my point of view.
One day a driver on the street has beeped at my wife, one day her coworker has said something mean to her, one day her boss has verbally abused her, another day she has received a call from our child's school, etc etc etc. Every single night, she spends 60 minutes to describe a 60-second event that made her sad, then gets emotional and completely ruins the night for the family. Naturally, I try to find a way to eliminate her problem and bring back a little bit happiness to the family for the rest of the night. But she gets furious and yells at me that she asked for sympathy, not help!
My question is, why a woman should let a crazy driver on the street ruin her day by just beeping at her? Moreover, what has her family done to deserve such pain every night?
Yes of course little bad things happen to us on a daily basis. But grown up people are supposed to face their problems, not throw their problems at the people who love them and make them suffer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): It is a natural reaction for your boyfriend to assume the role as your protector.
You may frequently complain. You may habitually allow things to get out of hand, before you act resolve them.
Remember, you are telling him the problem; before informing him of how you plan to handle it.
Ever think of fixing your problem first, then telling him how you corrected it? He will learn to trust your judgment.
You don't sound like a person vulnerable to anyone's control.
Never turn down suggestions, or an objective opinion. Only a fool rejects knowledge, or help with a problem.
Just don't get angry. Tell him you have it under control. Don't worry about it. End it there. It takes at least two to argue.
Don't fly off the handle. He judges you by how you handle problems at home. Are you a good problem-solver? Do your actions backup your words? Do you fold under pressure?
Do you react emotionally, or logically, to most problems?
He has observed your past performances under crisis. That just may be fueling his rush to intervene.
If work is involved, seek his unbiased opinion. You don't have to do what he says, just take his advice into consideration.
Why are you so defensive?
He may help you to avert using an emotional response to a work-related issue, and you will be more logical in your approach. He is probably assuming you are distressed about it, and he is legitimately concerned about your well-being.
He is offering you the benefit of his experience.
It only becomes an argument; because you think he under-estimates your ability as a problem-solver. Maybe you are insecure in your own way of handling things. Perhaps he has evidence to support his lack of confidence.
If you don't want opinion, don't discuss your problems.
How about giving your work-issues thought, plan your resolution, and implement your plan. Then tell him the outcome. Seek his advice if your plan hasn't worked.
You are acting out, because you have buried issues about "approval." You have had (or are having) a difficult time convincing your parents (or a parent) of your abilities, achievements, and judgment. That's what I'm picking up.
It often goes back to childhood and growing up. It resurfaces when similar issues come up.
Most people want their mates to fight for them. All I see is that he's got your back. You're being over-sensitive.
I'm sure you'll send supportive-argument that he is a controlling and awful boyfriend.
If that is the case, then you may have a well-thought resolution to that problem.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 August 2013):
 I think it's typical male to want to "fix" things. I would tell him, I need to vent, that you value his input. BUT I NEED for YOU to just listen.
I don't think he is trying to control you per se, but trying to fix a problem.
Maybe his input is worth thinking on even of you rather take another approach?
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (9 August 2013):
 It's just really hard for guys to not try to fix things when they can see, or think they can see, what the problem is. There is a hilarious video on youtube called It's Not About the Nail, that shows how very different men and women are in this respect.
I don't think there is anything you can do other than tell him, calmly, that what you need from his is support and just to listen. If he simply won't accept that then I don't see what you can do.
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