A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and UnclesI met a guy nearly two years ago. Did not like him to begin. Then started to get to know him and he started flirting he gave me his number.Cutting a long story short, we have been talking for many weeks and my feelings have started to grow.He is very unsettled and I was told to lay off him a bit which I have. Its been 11 days since I last saw him and communicated with him and its driving me crazy.The day before valentines I went to where I normally see him and he was not expecting me. I was in time to see him running out with a woman laughing and smiling. He said hello and asked how I was. Then continued to run off. I went up to the office and a staff member confirmed it was one of his clients. I went back to my car and burst into tears. Later that evening he texted and apologised for not talking to me and said his free parking was about to run out. I watched and he left car park on his own. I felt good that he felt he needed to justify himself,This is n0t the first time he has displayed this gentlemen like behaviour. I just wish I knew how he felt about me. I cant work out if he's shy. We have spent a lot of time together but not out together but doing a hobby we both like. He laugh and get on really well.I think the best thing is to ask hm out right. Not long ago he said he thought we were getting on really well but got a little annoyed when I mentioned emotional stuff. Im confused.
View related questions:
flirt, shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2017): I have been in a similar situation as yours where I was with someone I was crushing on for ages who I knew had feelings for me but starting acting cold when he realised. I stepped back and yes he did eventually come to me. To day we have been married 2 1/2 years and have a baby son! So I would not listen to what people on this forum say. I have read a number of posts similar to this and some of the responses are so cold and insensitive. But then it is only possible to respond to what you have written.I can see between the lines of what you have written. I have read your post a few times.First the title is misleading. He was not seen out with another women. He was with a client running to the car park. So happened to have been laughing.He is clearly interested in you as someone who is not would not be sharing personal and initimate information about themselves.He was not rude as he DID speak to you when he saw you despite being in a rush. He later texted and explained why he was in a rush as he was clearly concerned as to how you perceived what you saw as he realised that he may have hurt you. That is a BIG sign that he cares about you. If he did not care, he would not have contacted you.You have said that people have told you to back off a little. I also suggest that you do this. I know its hard but it will pay off in the end. I can see you were a little confused about dates. You have not really known this guy that long. Its only been a few months.Let him come to you now. From what I am feeling and reading between the lines, there is a foundation there. This guy does like you. Play it cool. Good Luck
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2017):
 Honestly OP you should not have to defend this guy so much. It is clear he is not interested in any more than a friendship with you, we can all see that, but you can't because you have feelings for him and you are hoping for the best. He felt the need to explain to you because he realized he was rude to you by not talking, it was not him explaining why he was with another women, honestly I think it is time to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): OP - He did not get sacked, it was a co-worker.
He remained highly professional which I loved him for.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017): He got sacked from having a relationship with a client?
RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG.
Just another red flag to add to the list.
And you saw him with yet ANOTHER client LAUGHING and SMILING and having fun?
Really?
Does your gut instinct not tell you something here? That he is now involved with another client?
One thing I can tell you is that if it happens once, it will happen again.
This guy is a player.
Trust me.
He has no boundaries. That is not a good quality in a person. You cannot trust someone like that.
I know one when I see one.
If you want to end up with a broken heart, go for it. But you will regret getting involved with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2017): OP - Just to clarify. I first me him in May 2016. The attraction started around July time from my end. September 2016 he gave me his number. During the Autumn a co-worker of his got sacked for having a relationship with a client at his old job. I feel thats why he was hesistate. Jan 17 he changed jobs and I had been seeing him in a new environment hence why we have been getting on better. So to b honest, its not as long as it sounds.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 February 2017):
 Then give it time,if this is your preference, but not too much time. Considering that nothing has happened in two YEARS, which is quite a while . Decide in advance how much time is reasonable to invest in this hope , without any guarantee of success - and several odds of insuccess. One more month? 3 months ? ...
Keep in mind that there's a fine line between patience and perseverance, and " the foolish consistency which is the hobgoblin of little minds " ;
and wishful thinking is what makes us cross it.
I know that you feel "vibes" coming from him, and you want to trust your guts .
Yes, but ... supposing that your guts are right and it is not just wishful thinking ; still not always people can or WANT to act on their vibes. There may be dozens of reasons ( health, money, a current relationship, hung up on some ex, loves too much being single, and so on and so forth ) why " she looks good " or " she is fun to be with " never translates into " I want to date her ".
At the end of the day, unluckily in this sort of things - the proof is in the pudding . If something happens ( within a reasonable time frame ) then yes, they were actual vibes. Vibes, and nothing happens for years ? Then , alas, for all intents and purposes it was LIKE wishful thinking - maybe there were vibes, but obviously not strong enough to overcome the problem keeping you apart.
Life is short, and precious. Don't waste big chunks of it on someone who, for whatever reason, is not openly enthusiastic about you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2017): Give it time has no bearing.
Men are hunters. When they see a woman they want, they go after her.
He is obviously not ready, not interested in a relationship, not into you that way, or just wants to be friends.
Maybe you need to keep yourself on an even keel emotionally. You don't want this guy to take advantage of your feelings. And you do not want to get too invested in someone who does not have the same feelings you do. Seems you are hanging onto hope. Don't break your own heart with fantasies you are creating in your own head. Always be realistic.
Also, a red flag for me is that he was with another woman laughing and smiling. And that he brushed you off when he was with her. How do you know she is not more than his client? You do not know what kind of a relationship they have. It seemed very telling that he was in her company and did not give you the time of day. Obviously he was enjoying being around her.
Also, you said 11 days went by without communicating with him. I truly believe if a man was that interested, he would never let almost 2 weeks go by without contact. That is another red flag.
I think you are hoping. Hoping hard. Just hope you are not going to be disappointed.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): OP - Thank you all for your comments. I have weighed up what you have all said from the little information I have given. Its difficult for you to get the full picture. He is not a co-worker and he did not tell me to lye off. Its other people who I have spoken to.Just so you understand, this is a guy I have helped sort him self out in a few things. He has shared a lot of his personal feelings about things with me. This is how I know he is unsettled. When he said we were getting on well - we were, I was lying off talking about my feelings. I recognised that he needed space and was not ready for any heavy stuff but liked having me around. I got the feeling he trusted me by some off the stuff he spoke to me about.If he is not ready to ask me out, I respect that but I will always be here as a friend for him.I have been around long enough to identify when someone is interested or not. I do feel some thing coming from him. Like most people say, give it time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2017): You first have to discipline yourself not to let your feelings get ahead of yourself; or make assumptions without certainty that your romantic-interest is on the same page. Talking is what you do with a friend, dating is what you do with a guy who wants to get to know you as more than a friend. If he never asks you out, he may not be that into you, or just doesn't see you as a potential lover.
If he didn't seem shy with the other woman, why should he be so shy with you? Shyness is too much of a handy excuse. Grown-men in your age-group are seldom shy. At that age, shyness comes across more as creepy, or socially-challenged. At some age you have overcome or outgrow such foolishness.
Maybe when he suggested that he thought you were getting on well, he meant only as friends. What sense does it make that he should flirt and take it no further than that?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 February 2017):
I don't see much room for confusion here. Particularly if " I have been told to lay off him " means that you have been told this by the guy in person !, I think the message is crystal-clear : he does not wish to be in closer relationships with you than just what they are now.
But even if you are reporting advise given to you by third parties, I think that his behaviour is quite self explanatory. You met him two years ago, and, if he had wanted to ask you out on a date, he would have done so by now. He can happily stay 11 days without hearing or seeing you, which probably shows that contacts were / are/ will be initiated by you and as for him he does not particularly care how soon he is going to see you. You tried to involve him at a more emotional level, and he got annoyed . Personally, I don't see in which other ways he could convey the message " I don't like you THAT way " without being downright brutal.
Apologizing for having had to brush you off when he was leaving is normal good manners with ALL the people you share business or recreational activities. It shows that he is a polite person,not that he has feelings for you.
As for flirting, it does not necessarily indicate a romantic or sexual interest. There's a lot of people who flirt because they are natural flirts, because they like to be liked, because it's their way to lift your spirits if you look a bit down, or just to set a friendly, light hearted , convivial mood. Or to drum up business and keep you coming to their bar/ shop / fitness class / hair salon etc.etc. if you are a client.
Then again, you are right in the sense that , if this " not knowing " is making you so anxious and miserable, why don't you just take the bull by the horns and ask him out on a date. What's the worst that can happen ? At worst , he can say , thanks but no thanks, I don't see you "that" way . At least you'd know exactly where you are at with him and could stop worrying and guessing.
Of course this advise only works if you can handle rejection in a mature, sensible way, and not make it a tragedy, or a personal, malicious insult to your good quality and attractiveness. Because, unluckily, from what you write , rejection is quite a possibility.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 February 2017):
 You do understand that flirting does not always mean someone is "into" you, don't you? Sometimes it is just done as a bit of fun banter. (I work with a guy who is HALF my age. We are just totally not attracted to each other in any way, shape or form, yet he flirts with me in fun all the time. It means NOTHING. It is just banter.)
Who told you this guy was "unsettled"? What does that even mean? If HE is the one telling you to back off, then do so and do not go back there. Just because you laugh together and get on well does not mean he is necessarily interested in anything more with you.
He's not being a "gentleman", apologizing for running past you without talking. He is just being polite. It is something he would do to anyone. If he "got annoyed" when you mentioned emotional stuff, I would take this as a red flag that he just does not see you in that way. This could change of course, but I wouldn't bank on it.
You could always ask him outright what he thinks. At least that way you are not left wondering and you won't have "what if" thoughts in the future. You MAY get a nice surprise. Based on what little information you have given, I wouldn't put any money on that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Campari Milano +, writes (26 February 2017):
I totally agree with everyone telling you to let this one go! It's never a great idea to get involved with a work colleague, but an ambivalent one is even worse!
If you have these feelings for him, he knows. He doesn't feel the same. Don't be the rejected fool in this scenario. Be better.
...............................
A
female
reader, White_Dove +, writes (26 February 2017):
 Hi there, i can only offer what i think i would do and that is if you like him go for it lifes too short for standing there waiting to see what if? If your getting emotional now its best to know now whether he feels same for you otherwise you might aswell move on if the feeling is not mutual. Whats the worst that could happen? Being stuck in this rut is much worse. Hope this helps to some degree xx much love and good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 February 2017):
 He was unsettled that you had feelings for him? and told you to back off or tone it down? BY him?
If so, quit while you are ahead. STOP the flirting and regard him as ANY other co-worker.
If he was REALLY interested IN you (in a romantic way) he would have either asked you out or... not asked you to lay off him a "bit".
He is definitely NOT a shy guy. He is just not into you for anything MORE than ego rubs and someone to flirt/banter with. THAT is why he got ANNOYED at you when you mentioned "emotional stuff".
Stop wasting your time on a guy who REALLy isn't interested in you.
...............................
|
