A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm single woman in my early thirties that on the outside most people would say (kind-generous -attractive- nice). My problem is - I'm very insecure ( I worked and work so much on outer appearance ) that I lack self confidence. I can't say no (even when I'm unhappy especially in relationships) I stay; I stay until they use me or verbally abuse me. At work I lack confidence to speak up - paranoid I'll do something wrong- I have two degrees but I feel like a fraud - i don't do math.I'm not a technical person (I'm not tech savy) so I feel useless unless it's simple stuff. My point is that I am getting older and I'm sadly realizing guess what good looks and materials won't keep a man or a job - and sometimes even hard work won't. People have pushed me over - used me and being a kind human being has led me nowhere . How can I be more aggressive - how can I feel secure in myself? How can I stop comparing myself to everyone. One of my biggest problems is comparison . My ex who broke up (yes via text) with me and never even returned my belongs (yes threw them) away after I needed over backwards for this man - found another woman and instead of me think "gee thank god this mean person is out of my life he won't change" I think "why did he go with her and treat me that way when I was nothing but nice to him" my thinking gets me in trouble. My insecurities have ruined my life . Can this be changed ? Does anyone have any ideas - I have tried therapy but it's so hard
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2017):
 Honestly back to therapy, yes it is hard, but it will take hard work in order for you to learn how worthy you really are.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2017): Key Statement: "I'm very insecure ( I worked and work so much on outer appearance)."You are far too focused on your outer appearance, and that is a form of vanity (even if you are dissatisfied, it is still outer appearance that is an obsession). Work on improving your mind. Take a course in something interesting. Learn a musical instrument. Dance. Painting. Find more hobbies. You have already experienced how your good looks weren't enough to hold people's attention. That is a wake up call that they are really worth nothing. And it sounds like you also have to work on what you value in others. Maybe you are too focussed on their outer appearance as well- or if they are "cool", or other outward qualities. Evidently you did not choose kind or considerate people, they treated you like trash. You are far too old to be this immature about looks and image. You have taken the first step in realizing you have a problem. Now you have to build yourself up with other interests. Ignore the media or don't be bothered to emulate the fashion magazines. Don't buy or look at things that feature airbrushed models for a while, until you get this under control.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2017): Comparing yourself to others is a toxic form of thinking. We all do comparisons here and there but it's the intention behind it that makes the difference of it being healthy vs unhealthy. If your comparing is driven by ego as opposed to benefit. If, for example, I lead a sedentary life and my friend works out a lot. I may compare my lifestyle to hers as a wake up call to realise that I should work out more. And use her influence as a positive change in my own life. That's positive.It's negative when it comes from the ego. And rather than it being encouraging it creates division and jealousy. Because rather than use it to your advantage, instead you create a mindset driven by who's better and who's worse. It's totally unproductive.I grew up in a household that encouraged competition, rivalry, it was chaotic. There was a lot of emphasis on being fit, being beautiful, and above all, the main message was to be "better" than others. Even going to college was hard because it wasn't about my experience and having my intellectual curiosity challenged but rather it was just about getting a degree for the sake of bragging rights. Simply to be better than others. My parents treated my college years as a race. A race to finish and get that degree so they could brag about my degree. They didn't allow much if any room for failure. Because it would reflect poorly on them. I learned to lie and always say everything is "great!" Even if I was confused, scared, hopeless and broken. Because if I didn't say everything is "perfect" I'd have to deal with a barrage of questions, insults, accusations that would only make me feel a million times more devastated. And all this is because to them the purpose of my life and my decisions is to serve them. To make them look good. My family was always comparing themselves to others. And very critical. It's like they were so aware of other people's "flaws." I don't know if it made them feel better about themselves but it was a constant thing. I had a lot of problems with friends and in relationships as a young adult because of my upbringing. I brought all the dysfunctions I learned from my parents into my adult life. And it caused me nothing but problems. One day I just realised that I needed to put up a barrier and create a lot of distance between my family and I and discover who I am and who I want to be without their distorted influence. And it made all the difference. Now I look back at their behaviour and their dysfunction is so amplified. So from my personal experience, yeah, negative attitudes can be changed. You just have to be aware of it, and target the people and things in your life that are influencing the bad habits you have. And put distance between them and yourself. Talking about it is great too. I've discussed my upbringing and the problems I've had with my friends and my fiance. It's very therapeutic. Especially because I surround myself with people who care, who listen and who support me. And understand. Meanwhile, the best way to change is by surrounding yourself with people who have the qualities you seek for yourself. If you want to be more down to earth, hang out with down to earth people. While at the same time avoid people who are toxic. Even if they are related to you. It's true, we are the company we keep.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (26 February 2017):
I think with therapy you have to keep trying and also trying to find the right therapist. It is a complex issue, and perhaps not easily resolved.
A part of moving forward in life is just accepting that doing "new" and "better" will always strike fear... I feel like we are just programmed to play it safe. Being successful or confident just means you have to step out of your comfort zone. In you post you seem to enjoy playing it safe and maybe this is why you feel that something is wrong.
The only one stopping you from being a better person is you. Instead of dwelling on what was, focus on what you are doing and what could be. You can get a new boyfriend, you can try learning something technical, you can get a new degree and you can learn to communicate your thoughts better. More importantly, just do something different.
Generally speaking, we all do have insecurities. Just, we all decide on how much it affects our decisions and our behavior to others. You are responsible for you own actions. If you allow people to take advantage of you, then they will, it is human nature.
I wish you much luck on your journey, keep talking about your issues, I think you will find the answers you are looking for.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 February 2017):
 I really don't think the answer is to get more "aggressive". That is not a good trait in anyone. I think you perhaps need to become more assertive, more confident and to value who you are more. Just being a "yes" person is not good for your soul and, as you have found, just results in you being taken advantage of. Were you brought up to believe that you should always put others first and not voice opinions if they differed from those of others? If so, you need to unlearn that pattern of behaviour.
You seem to define yourself in terms of what you see as your "failures" - don't look like a model (they are all airbrushed), don't do math (but you have 2 DEGREES), don't do technology (it's constantly changing so the secret is to get some help to catch up), can't keep a man (no idea about the others but the last one certainly didn't sound like he was worth hanging onto if he was such a mean human being), etc etc. Are you getting my drift?
If you feel insecure about not doing math, go to night school and learn. Do you even NEED math in your job? Perhaps just accepting you are not a math person (another one here!) and leaving the math to those who need to do it would be the best course of action, instead of fixating on it?
There are plenty of courses on computers and technology. Find one to suit your level of competence (there are plenty of very basic ones about) and take the course so you can feel more confident. If you are stuck on something, there is no shame is asking someone to show you how to do it. Nobody is born knowing it all. Everyone had to learn somewhere along the line. I am older than you and often feel out of my depth when I see the things the younger generation do with computers and tablets (not even sure what the purpose of one of those is!) and even mobile phones. I stick to doing what I need to do and doing it as well as I can.
Of course therapy is HARD. It would not be worth doing if it was easy. I wonder if your therapist tried cognitive behavioural therapy with you? If not, then I would strongly recommend trying it yourself. What it (very basically) involves is catching yourself when you are having the "bad" thoughts and immediately replacing them with "good" thoughts. In time, if done consistently, this becomes a way of operating for you. Just taking a very basic example, the next time you find yourself thinking "I am useless at math" immediately replace it with "but I am good at x, y, z and have 2 degrees".
Sending hugs. You CAN do this. You just need to knuckle down and believe in your own abilities.
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