A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I have a fantastic boyfriend who I love very much. BUT (isn't there always a but?) he keeps pressuring me to have anal sex with him. I'm happy to do it once a week or so, but every day is too much and it hurts. Also, he doesn't like using lube (although sometimes I can convince him to). He asks me every day and sometimes gets pissed off and refuses to have sex with me if I won't do it (he says that sex otherwise doesn't feel 'complete'). However, I accused him of pressuring me once but he denied it completely and said that it was just because he fancies me so much.This is ruining our sex life. I feel like every time we have sex we end up arguing about it and I just don't know what to say to him. He seems to think I am exaggerating the pain (I think he's been watching too many pornos) and it always seems to end with either him being pissed off because I have 'rejected' him (I have told him many times, explicitly, that I'm not rejecting him and suggested we have other kinds of sex instead) or me being pissed off because I have, I didn't enjoy it and I am in massive pain. I have suggested that HE try shoving a cucumber up his arse but he says it's 'different' and refuses. A question for the lads as well: will he break up with me if I keep saying no?Other information: his father died a few weeks ago and he has been constantly picking fights over everything. I don't know if it's just him or that he's upset. We've only been together for a couple of months and it seems very early to start having problems, but equally there are many things that I really like about him and I want to give things a chance.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 January 2014):
 Happy to hear you are away from the sadist! I hope you are enjoying a healthy and happy relationship with the new love. I do hope you worked out why you tolerated this heinous behavior and that you won't find yourself being victimized ever again! Best wishes!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 January 2014):
 I am glad to hear this! Good for you and wish you all the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. You were spot on. I eventually realised what an idiot this guy was (and what an idiot I was being by staying with him), but not before more sexual violence of this kind. I then went into therapy for a couple of months to try to work out why I hadn't broken up with him before. I've now been seeing a lovely man who is sweet and kind and was a good friend before we started dating for the last six months and am happier than ever.Again, cheers for your responses.
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A
female
reader, carsaab +, writes (5 April 2013):
that is abhorrent on many levels, but please do this one thing and do it for yourself. I know how it feels without lubrication. Tell him to get on google or bing or to ask any human who has ever tried it or a sex therapist and find out what people's experiences have been having anal sex without proper lubrication--and lots of it!!! tell him that if he wants to keep doing it you will shove an unlubricated dildo up his ass and he can tell you how much it doesn't hurt! If he calls it homosexual, remind him that's lot of heterosexual couples do it because unlike women, men have a pleasurable spot up the ass called the prostate gland. It's the male equivalent to the G-spot. He can take that and shove it up his ass. God help you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): As a guy, I have to tell you that your boyfriend is far from fantastic. He's a selfish, controlling, abusive jerk. I have to echo what everyone else has said, you need to leave him immediately. You may be in love with him, but he certainly does not love you. What he's doing now is already bad enough, and I'm very concerned that it could get much worse. Men like this almost always get worse.
Please, break up with him before he does.
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 i saw your question a few hours ago and ive been toying with how to respond, because i was very angry to hear the way this man is treating you - ok im still crosshe has no right to demand this of you, the very fact you let him do it to you when you dont like it once a week is way too much as i am concerned - the fact he does it to you and doesnt care too much it hurts you is even worse.sexual relationships are meant to be about mutual enjoyment, your not enjoying this and its very unfair of him to push this on you. we girls need love and carring when were having sex/making lovewe are all differnt some girls what one girl loves another wont - lovely its hurting you diont do it anymore, and it might mean you lose him but if thtats the case he is nolt worth it!we all have our limits, things we like and dont you dare feel bad because you dont like anal sex
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2011):
 "will he break up with me if I keep saying no?"
maybe
and if he does it's not great loss
If you do not like anal sex do not have anal sex.
it's that simple.
if he wants it daily and he hurts you then he's not a fantastic loving boyfriend.
if he won't let you use a dildo or cucumber on him then he's not being realistic or fair. besides many men who are straight enjoy anal stimulation.
I'm sorry to tell you that FORCING YOU TO HAVE sexual relations is RAPE. this man you profess to love who is doing things to your body against your will is raping you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 November 2011):
Your guy is an ass. Pun entirely intended. I'd break up now and save yourself anal tearing and infection and the embarrassing conversations with the doctor later.
Or you could tear a page out of the Huichol tribe's book (mythical? who knows? it's a great story) and tie ropes to his scrotum during anal sex. When it hurts you, you pull sharply on the ropes. This will give him some insight into the pain you experience. It will also let him learn that pain is NOT sexy when you are the one experiencing it.
The Huichol purportedly would do this: "During traditional childbirth, the father sits above his labouring wife on the roof of their hut. Ropes are tied around his testicles and his wife holds onto the other ends. Each time she feels a painful contraction, she tugs on the ropes so that her husband will share some of the pain of their child's entrance into the world."
In fact, you could start mentioning how sexy you find tying ropes to his scrotum would be during anal sex and how hot you would find pulling that rope tight when he hurt you.....
oh never mind, lose him. He's a sadist.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 Amen to what others have said.
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A
female
reader, besito +, writes (3 November 2011):
Wow girl I feel your pain!!!! I've never had anal sex but I have often considered trying but am fearful of the dissapointment. My friend recently had the same issue and was in so much pain and even said that she would bleed. Hun not to get personal but I'm more concerned about your behind then if this guy leaves you. I have a hard time understanding why men push the anal. But I have yet to learn. This guy seems like a huge a-hole!!! He definitely has control issues. I'd get out fast! You don't want this guy to ruin sex for you. Who know maybe one day you'll meet a guy who does it just right. I wish you luck! Not a great position to be in.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 " I didn't enjoy it and I am in massive pain."
You should ask yourself why you are willing to be in massive pain and do something you don't like.
You should ask yourself also why a man who loves you would want you to be in massive pain.
The advice the other aunts here have given is very good.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (3 November 2011):
How come he thinks its different for you? Either you make him grow up or you find someone who cares about you. You have a right to be respected and because you love you don't have to show it by letting him abuse you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 It's your body you control what goes in it and where it goes in. But,(no pun intended) you might want to try it once then decide,some girls actually think it's no too bad.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 "It's no difference if you push a cucumber up his ass. No difference at all. If he can refuse to have that cucumber up his ass then you can refuse to have his dick up yours."
Yup.
"I think he's been watching too many pornos"
Again, yup.
Also any guy who prefers anal sex without lube is someone who gets off on hurting you. I'd really reconsider this relationship if I were you. He doesn't care if he hurts you to get there, all he seems to care about is that he gets his rocks off. I'm not sure what part of this is even worth staying for, he disregards or enjoys your pain, he definitely doesn't care if you are enjoying sex, and he pressures you into performing acts that you find painful.
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A
male
reader, niiik  +, writes (3 November 2011):
hey im a guy n i think its abusive .....first of all anal sex isnt good for health at all n on top of that "EVERYDAY" he is crazy he's nuts man...show this thing u wrote to him n show all the suggestions u have got so far n try to convince him to not to do so n still he dosnt understand then its time for u to understand that he's usin u too much .........so either u gotta break up or end this guy in some "SEX ADDICT'S REHAB"-i strongly recomend it...so think wisely n live well n at last u gotaa talk ok best of luck
'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): The anal shincter wasn't meant to accommodate a penis. I am not putting down gays... there is nothing wrong with being gay.. but constant anal sex can cause damage to those tissues. Does your boyfriend realize that? Does he care about your health? If he cares about your comfort and health then he'll be more understanding.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 WHY would you call this guy ".... fantastic boyfriend who I love very much...." when he is abusive to you in this manner.... It will only take you a moment to tell him that he's been off-base for some time... and you aren't going to put up with him any more... and make your way out the door!!!!
Good luck....
PS. Guys like this are properly referred to as "louts."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): I'm a guy, and this is a guy that you need to get rid of. You need to do this for you.
This is an abusive relationship, he doesn't know what real sex is.
Yeah, he's been watching to many pornos.
You need to tell him that, and move on, to someone who cares.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): this bloke i a moron sorry get rid. Once a week is plenty especialy if you dont enjoy it. He should respect you and not ask for it at all. Get rid
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (3 November 2011):
Yea, this guy is not fantastic. He's inconsiderate, disrespectful and selfish. He's more or less demanding daily anal sex AND insisting that you not use lubricant? I'm speculating here, but what may be "getting him off" is that you're in pain. He wants to control you, dominate you and own you. As he gets older, he may come to embrace an S&M fetish.
I have to say that the two of you just aren't sexually compatible. If you've voiced your objections and he won't listen, then it is time to end the relationship I'm afraid.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 November 2011):
Tell him exactly what you've told us. It's ruining your sex life. You don't like it, and it hurts. If he's so eager to have anal sex then you can buy a dildo to use on HIM. Then he can get a feel for what it's like.
If he breaks up with you because you didn't want to have anal sex then I think GOOD RIDDANCE. Who wants a boyfriend who doesn't care about your enjoyment during sex, but treats your ass as his plaything rather than RESPECT a no? No one. If he can't respect your body and your right to say no to anal sex then he can go find himself another girlfriend, so that you can find a boyfriend who will not push you into doing uncomfortable and painful things in bed just to satisfy his selfish needs.
It's no difference if you push a cucumber up his ass. No difference at all. If he can refuse to have that cucumber up his ass then you can refuse to have his dick up yours.
You've only been together a couple of months? Then I think this is a red flag, a warning sign. If he doesn't respect you NOW, when will he? You need to lay down the rules here. You ARE giving things a chance, the question is: will HE give things a chance, or is he with you only to have anal sex? If he cares about your relationship and YOU, then he will stop harassing your for anal sex.
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