A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago, my boyfriend and I argued over a woman that he had been making sexual comments with on facebook. He said that he was joking, but I didn't think it was funny. She said she had a soft spot for him, then he mentioned a "hard spot" , and she mentioned a "g spot". It affected me so badly that I had a breakdown and ended up going to talk to a mental health team . This woman told him that she still had feelings for him, but he told her that he wasn't interested. If he wasn't interested, why did he respond to the comments?. Last night, for some reason, this came up in an argument. We were supposed to meet tonight to sort things out about our relationship, and I was going to collect some money that he owes me, but now I'm not sure if I should be with him because of what he said. We have only been together since February, and they sent the comments to each other and she told him how she felt in April. They kissed each other once a few years ago, but nothing else happened. They were still talking about that in the messages. I thought it was strange how they talked about that, and that she still had feelings for him so long after it had happened.Last night, we mentioned how he stopped contacting her because I didn't feel comfortable with him contacting her, and he said that he shouldn't have stopped contacting her. That made me really upset and angry. He did say after that he stopped contacting her because she said she had feelings for him.amd he was with me, but I am upset and angry and feel that our whole relationship has been a lie, that he hasn't been doing things because he wants to do them. It also upset me that he mentioned that they have the same birthday and they used to say happy birthday to each other.He said they only kept in touch every now and then , but what makes it even worse is that she has a boyfriend and kids. She told my boyfriend that he was the only good thing in her life. How could she say that when she has children?. We have also argued because he speaks to one of his exes sometimes on the bus, and on facebook. I think they just say things like hello, how are you?, happy birthday, things like that, but what bothers me is that he said they never argued when they were together, and we do. Do you think I should end my relationship with him?.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 July 2017):
 I think this is less about him and more about you. Is your mental health fragile? Do you have trust or confidence issues?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2017): Here's an update. We had a lovely weekend together, but then I went on Facebook to send him a friend request (I had taken him off there when we had fallen out another time) and I thought I would look on his timeline out of curiosity. On Facebook, you can't see all the posts at first, but it says "see all posts" and says which year they are from. I clicked on the ones from the years that he was with Her (he was with her for two years) and I found some comments that they sent to each other. I realised that their relationship had been very similar to ours. There was a comment from her saying that she had been moody and jealous with him because of another woman. I'm not sure who the woman was, but she said she was travelling to him as it hadn't been his fault. I'm not sure if it was his fault or not though. And there were a few comments from her mentioning that they hadn't seen or spoken to each other for ages, saying things like she wanted to make an "appointmwnt" to see him, and saying that him not replying to her would "cost him, and he had to make it up to her". There were also comments between them both where he said that he loved her more, and said that it wasn't possible that she could love him more. He says to me that he loves me more too. It made me wonder if he just spins that line to everyone. I know the circumstances between me and get could have been different, but it's still very similar with how it's been. It made me feel really depressed seeing those Comments, and made me realise that this seems to be a pattern for him. So I'm not sure whether to still see him or not, even though we tried to sort things out. I am worried about his health at the minute though and I still care as he has been feeling tired a lot lately and he has an appointment at the doctors tomorrow.
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A
male
reader, rasblak  +, writes (7 July 2017):
I think MissKin and Honeypie have got your concerns covered, pretty awesomely too.
From the Fringes, I'll add that you're a case in point that before you even consider dabbling in relationships you're way better off working on gaining confidence in what it means to be happy on your own first. A wise lady from another forum, her name was Michaela, once told us that the more confident you are, the more attractive you'll be.
[ I'm so confident in her intellect that I'm certain this applies to any living thing. :) ]
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 July 2017):
 I think if that conversation had you feel so miserable that you had to contact mental health, then he isn't for you. It seems like it's a pattern of behavior with him to flirt with women he has had a past with. And I don't think he will stop that, not for you.
My advice GET the money he owes you BACK FIRST, THEN break up. (if you think breaking up is the way to go).
I'd also like to point out that it IS possible to talk to exes without it meaning more or there being deeper feelings. However, if she still holds a torch for him then he is keeping her around for a reason. SHE isn't his "friend". They are each other's ego rubs.
If you constantly feel like you have to tell him what you are OK with and what you are not and it bring you down so badly, maybe he isn't for you.
A GOOD partner "helps" you bring the best out in you. Not the worst.
As for the arguments, well you have only been together for 6 months so if you two fight a lot already, it will only go downhill from that if you two can't sort things out.
I think you need to put yourself first. FOCUS on your mental health. If he is contributing to the deterioration of it then he really isn't good for you.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (7 July 2017):
 You sound so distressed and so unhappy. You obviously have trust issues which have not been helped by his complete lack of respect and his choice to think sending sexual messages to anyone other than his girlfriend is okay. It isn't about if he meant them or if they meant anything, it sounds like he stopped contacting her because he specifically didn't want to deal with her feelings for him. It's just about his immaturity and not considering your feelings.
Do yourself a favour and have a clean break from this guy. Get yourself together and find someone with the same morals as you. This is too soon in a relationship to be having problems so severe they cause you mental health issues.
Take some time to yourself and think about what's important to you in a partner. Clearly he thinks it's okay to act this wag and you do not. It isn't worth fighting for so soon. Don't wind yourself up thinking about this other woman and how she could say what she said when she has kids. That is her problem and not yours. You've got enough to deal with without upsetting yourself over that.
My advice is this: get your money back, leave him, work on your trust issues, don't go through your partners Facebook messages in future, accept that people do talk to their exes sometimes and move on.
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