A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiI broke up with my husband in October and met someone I'm work after. It was a whirl wind and I was vulnerable. The man was charming told me I was wonderful promised me the world. I fell for it hook line and sinker. I found out he lived with a woman we also work with although she's in a different department. From the start she made me feel uncomfortable and I knew she didn't want me in the house. We were sneaking around at first as we didn't want anyone to know in work. She sent him messages which he showed me demanding to know who was in their home they share. It's his house she's just a lodger. They had been friends for a few years and she had moved in after he split from his last girlfriend. He dated in between the split and that women had issues with his flat mate too. Whenever I confronted him saying she's rude etc and she didn't want me there he would turn nasty telling me it's tough she's not going anywhere. Because he was defensive I sensed that there was more to that friendship than he was letting on. His own family hated this woman and did I understand why he didn't get rid of her although he said it was for financial reasons. A few months in all we did argue about was this woman. Fast forward another month she has applied in work for the position of manager of my team and me and she got it. It all felt too much and I finished it with him. He begged me to take him back telling me I was the love of his life and he wanted to work on things etc. I was thinking about it until I was told by a girl in work that those two ( him and the flatmate) had a sexual relationship like a friends with benefits thing for a while and that he was a liar. It all fell into place. I remembered certain situations and why he was defensive, he knew I knew but for some reason didn't want to lose me. He even talked about getting rid of her saying he didn't want her there anymore and wanted a future for us. I confronted him after I'd been told about them and he didn't deny it just told me to get out of his house. Although I know I've had a lucky escape and I feel humiliated and angry that he didn't tell me they had slept together etc I can't help think why did he do this to me? All I did was want to be with him and thought he cared about me. I don't understand how she could sleep in the next room knowing he was In bed with me and still go running back to him? Why didn't he just make it exclusive with her? Because he didn't want to commit and his family hated her? I just don't know feeling confused!!
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broke up, flatmate, friend with benefits, liar, moved in Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2017): Be brave dear friend and extricate yourself from this deceitful situation.
Transfer departments or get a new job.
Have a word with human resources and explain this torrid state of affairs.
It is a smart move to move on as fast as possible and never look back!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all thanks for the reply. I do blame him for all of this believe me. I just can't believe he told me I was the one etc knowing he had already had a sexual relationship with the girl in the bedroom next door and didn't have the decency to tell me! I blame her in this also because if she had feelings for him and was waiting for him why couldn't she tell me the truth instead of being rude and making me feel unwelcome?
It's a messed up situation I can't understand why he just won't commit her, and stop messing with people's emotions! She also got herself a boyfriend a few months after I arrived on the scene and I'm convinced it's just to make him jealous as her boyfriend also had an issue with them living together. You can't mistake the body language and atmosphere it's so obvious now when I think back. I think there both as sick as eachother deceiving people and keeping their secret while each of them have sex with others in that house. It seems they may have a love hate relationship and just want to keep the game going?
He's obviously a coward and didn't think I would find out not even having the decency to admit or deny it when confronted. I'm leaving my job I can't stand to look at either of them after this. I feel angry and humiliated. It will be a while before I go near anyone again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all thanks for the reply. I do blame him for all of this believe me. I just can't believe he told me I was the one etc knowing he had already had a sexual relationship with the girl in the bedroom next door and didn't have the decency to tell me! I blame her in this also because if she had feelings for him and was waiting for him why couldn't she tell me the truth instead of being rude and making me feel unwelcome?
It's a messed up situation I can't understand why he just won't commit her, and stop messing with people's emotions! She also got herself a boyfriend a few months after I arrived on the scene and I'm convinced it's just to make him jealous as her boyfriend also had an issue with them living together. You can't mistake the body language and atmosphere it's so obvious now when I think back. I think there both as sick as eachother deceiving people and keeping their secret while each of them have sex with others in that house. It seems they may have a love hate relationship and just want to keep the game going?
He's obviously a coward and didn't think I would find out not even having the decency to admit or deny it when confronted. I'm leaving my job I can't stand to look at either of them after this. I feel angry and humiliated. It will be a while before I go near anyone again.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 July 2017):
 You can't control what other people do or say. Your strength lies in what you ALLOW them to do/say to YOU.
YOU have allowed this guy to be rude to you (your relationship was with HIM, not the "lodger/FWB" woman - she is nothing to do with you).
YOU have allowed yourself to be treated like a guilty secret, creeping around in his house so this woman would not hear you.
So many red flags everywhere but YOU chose to ignore them all and carry on.
Don't focus our anger on HER. SHE was not in a relationship with you. It sounds like SHE has allowed him to use her too. Whatever the case, SHE was not your problem; HE was.
The question you SHOULD be asking is "why did I allow him to treat me like I was not worth better?" People can only treat you as badly as YOU allow them. If you act like a door mat, there will inevitably be people who will take advantage and wipe their dirty feet all over you.
You know you are worth better than this. You were vulnerable after your divorce and this guy probably picked up on that. You are stronger now. See him as a stepping stone to getting over your ex husband. Nothing more.
Now go and lick your wounds, shake yourself down and get back out there with your head held high. You are now a stronger woman than you were a few months ago. Let that strength shine through and find yourself someone who will treat you as you deserve. Use this guy as a lesson in what you will never tolerate again.
On the work side, make sure you do your work to the best of your ability and be polite to your new manager so that she has no excuse to pull you up over anything. You never know, you two may yet get to like each other.
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A
male
reader, rasblak  +, writes (7 July 2017):
It might help if you could imagine projecting yourself out of your body and floating up and up and up and up... and watching billions of events per second unfolding on Earth from space... try it. Murders, lottery winners, surfers, birth of an elephant, erupting volcano, earthquake, orgasms...See 'anonymous female 30-35 (UK)' for the place she occupies: she is an infinitesimal part of a *System*That *System* has evolved an awful lot since she was not married, it waits for no one, it bends to the whim of no one; it is volatile, complex, uncertain, and ambiguous. It so happens that you're learning the hard way that you've happened to come across 2 other elements of this system who fit the 'uncertain' and 'ambiguous' bill to a T.[I did not see in your post evidence for 'guessing' that other woman's 'vulnerability' and her being taken advantage of. You said that these 2 had been friends with benefits. In the eyes of a F.W.B who means it "no strings attached", the guy was not doing anything wrong, right?For all we know, she's brought in other guys too, that she had answered to him as for who they were she was bringing to their place.]
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 July 2017):
 You are focusing on the "wrong end of the stick here" SHE isn't/wasn't the problem. HE was. How he treated HER and how he treated YOU.
Be glad that you are no longer with him and no longer part of his little drama-llama circus. Seriously.
And OP let this be a little lesson. Don't' date where you work. Wehn things don't work out you have awkwardness and drama in your workplace NO ONE needs that. Not you and not your coworkers.
You jumped into something with a gay WAY too soon after leaving your husband which left you vulnerable and well, guys like this man took advantage of that.
My guess? She was/is just as vulnerable and he took advantage. She decided (unlike you) to stay and hope he will realize what he has living WITH him. In the meantime, she watches a steady stream of OTHER women visiting his bed.
And WHO cares what his family thinks? You two are broken up. If the family hates her. So WHAT?
THANK your lucky stars you are no longer with him. Focus on yourself, healing and stop worrying about these people. You can't change what happened but you CAN move on. Hopefully, your NEXT relationship will be a healthier one.
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