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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my b/f for almost 2 years. He has paid for mostly everything. I pay for things here and there but its mostly him who pays if we go to a movie or to dinner or to a bar or for take out. I work part time b/c i am a full time student. Therefore, he does have more money than me.Now i am looking for a full time job but with that full time job--i will be in debt with student loans so its not like this money i will be partying on and i think i will have more debt than my b/f but he mentioned that when i get a full time job we can split things more often. In my mind..i am thinking..for 2 years he has been paying for most things..(and last year he said we needed to cut back and we did) and now i feel like he doesnt want to pay for anything. He said he got angry with me for not agreeing and said what happens when it comes time for marriage. To me, marriage is a WHOLE different thing b.c u arent dating anymore and its not separate money anymore. Its money earned together. But despite this, he obviously wants me to chip in when i get a full time job. Would any other girls feel somewhat the same way i do..that he was paying and now all of a sudden doesnt want to. Thats the way it makes me feel and he is mad that i said. He said he didnt have an outline of what would be split but he imagined me splitting things. Do you think this is right? or should this be different when i am actually married to him. I feel like while dating a guy should still pay for most things...I probably sound selfish to some but thats how i feel. I know i am not selfish--like if i get a full time job, of course i would offer but not EVERYTIME we go somewhere. I dont think this is what he means but its just a confusing situation for me that he suddenly doesnt wanna do it anymore. Its part of what made me think i was special to him. He says sometimes it seems easier to be single completely. Any thoughts?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2007): To anon below, so I'm guessing as long as she's a she, she might as well stay at home, be a housewife, never work in her life, look pretty and play mahjong with her friends all day long as I toil away at work, trying to save up something special just for the two of us? Oh wait, I can't, cuz she's using up all that money to play mahjong. Oh darn.
Anyway, I totally agree with Eddie here and on the other thread - "NOBODY should ever assume to be paid for. It is your own responsability to pay your own way. Should someone choose to treat you to something and desire to pay, that's fine."
Indeed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2007): my gf earns alot more then me although i dnt like her to pay for the 2 of us! i always pay the full whack if i can afford it. i think as hes the bloke and he has a full time job he should pay for u.
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male
reader, Steve169  +, writes (18 January 2007):
 relationships should be 50:50 in an ideal world. However it is basically a case of the one who earns more gives more simply because they can. However if you dont give back then he may just feel used.
I aggree with the comment that it's a long term relationship. The only difference marriage makes is that you both committ to each other for life. But why wait until marriage before committing, there's no danger as you're both still free to separate, but why wait until he proposes before commiting in other ways.
Also the bit about guys should pay was right when guys worked and females stayed at home, but nowadays that just isnt the case any more.
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A
male
reader, ogga +, writes (17 January 2007):
2 years isnt just dating. thats a long term relationship.
your being incredibly selfish and he said he would split the money. Not you paying for it all :S
you say you will be in more debt than your boyfriend which hints he is also in debt? well dont you think you coud help each other out together by paying half so your not putting him into more debt and you can cut back.
My teacher talks about his university and he is still paying his student loans off but he pays something like 1.50 a week or something stupid and didnt have to start paying until he had earned alot of money. perhaps you could look into things like this?
I understand yours and his points of view . and i see where you are coming from but unfortunately i think that splitting it is more a couple thing to do. I would understand you more if you had been together for a few months but 2 years is a long-term thing. Especially if you are both openly thinking of marriage
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (17 January 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,I don't even know where to start with this - I agree with everyone else. Why should he be expected to still almost always foot the bill? My husband and I (even when we were dating) always split things evenly. For example - one night he would pay for dinner, then the next night I would, etc. I would pay for the electric bill one month, he would pay for it the next. With big bills, like rent or mortgage, we would split them 50/50 each month. I would feel horrible if I guilt tripped him into paying for things that *I* wanted or that *we* needed. Don't you think you're making your guy feel a little guilty with the attitude you have? "Its part of what made me think i was special to him." Yes, he's paying for things you want because he cares about you. How about making him feel a little special, too? Or at least that you somewhat care for him...I think it's time to start acting like you're in a real, mature relationship and consider the fact that he's given his all and more for you in the past. Now you repay him by saying you're not really going to help out once you have a job? Stop using the marriage excuse to have free crap for right now, because I don't think he's buying it.If you're worried that you'll never have money or something, then you should stop going out as much. Then you wouldn't have to worry about spending so much. Maybe you need to sit down with your guy and plan a budget together. This might help resolve any money issues you guys will have in the future.Take care.
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (17 January 2007):
 If you live together, it should be 50/50
Equal rights goes both ways! You were lucky that he was generous enough to offer you an easy start. But unless he proposed to you offering to be your "Sugar Daddy", I am afraid he is within his right to make your responsible for your share.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): Sorry but you're being selfish. Yes you will have debts when you finish college, we all will, and you're in the very fortunate position of having a boyfriend to split living expenses with, meaning you won't have to move in with some random lunatic just so that you can afford to live. Think about what you're saying here. You're saying that the money you earn should be solely yours and used just for repaying loans and for fun money, while he continues to pay for your joint rent, bills and food. You need to grow up.... a lot!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 January 2007):
 You're wrong about one thing...you do seem selfish and WAY out of line. Why on earth should he be responsible for your needs and bills. This is totally unbelievable.
What you've said is when you're married it's money earned together so you split it BUT while you're single it's money earned separately so you PREFER to use HIS. What does he gain from this arrangement? The way I see it, you get to work, pay off your stuff, he works, pays for his stuff and the rest of yours. That has to be the worst deal I've ever heard of. What's worse is, he's told you how his money is going to be spent and you're angry because you obviously feel ENTITLED to his cash.
I'd be afraid to mary a person who decides that I should pay for the extras because they don't want to spend their own money. IT'S NOT HIS JOB TO PAY FOR YOU !!!!
He's carried you for the last two years. He let you know that it will change when you're working. You're angry because now you have to grow up. Someone has spoiled you.....
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