A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend seems to constantly be flirting other women, in particular with one of his very close friends (who is a girl and has a boyfriend). I also think he may have dated her a few years ago (though I have never asked him about it). The other day I noticed that he had deleted all of his past text messages to her (he has an Iphone that keeps a running conversation history). He has made a couple of inappropriate sexual comments to her in front of me too, like the last one was a joke about her and me playing strip poker which I didnt appreciate and half-heartedly told him it was inappropriate. He also acts different around her, it seems like he is trying to impress her, even with me around. I cant help but fear that maybe she is the 'one that got away' but at the same time I dont want to make a big deal of it if I am over analyzing it. I dont want to be a jealous or nagging girlfriend and I want to trust him, but I also dont want to be a fool. I feel like maybe I should start flirting with guys around him and maybe he would know how I feel...
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flirt, has a boyfriend, jealous, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (24 February 2009):
 Ha ha ha ... sorry, you are correct, Martini. Credit goes to REPLACEMENT ... LOL ... what was I thinking .... LOL
I stand corrected. I must have been thinking of one of your comments on an earlier posting.
Cat
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): [ahem] Wonderingcat, I would like to say that credit goes to Replacement. ^_^
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (24 February 2009):
LOL ... I like Martini's comment "most men are not great liars" ... and that came from a male too. Bravo!
I have a slightly different take on this. I too, sometimes analyse things, like you do. To me, words symbolize or reflect something deeper which could be on the sub-conscious level as well as a masked deliberate action. Even jokes. So, having said that, maybe he does have a fantasy that involves all these women around him LOL. So, back to Martini's suggestion: ask him.
The question for you then, is that whether or not you want to have a partner that constantly flirts with other women? Does his flirting affect your relationship? Would he actually learn from getting his own medicine? (you flirting with men for instance)
Good luck sorting this one out ;-)
Cat
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (24 February 2009):
 Ask him if they ever dated; until you know their history you're just speculating. Based on his response, you can take the conversation in one or two directions- if he says no ask him if he's ever wanted to because his comments/behavior suggest so, and if he says yes, ask him if he ever misses her or considers her to be "the one that got away"... most men aren't great liars, you should be able to tell from his reaction how he feels...
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A
female
reader, samurai girl +, writes (24 February 2009):
 I think you should go with your gut; typically it isn't wrong. If YOU feel his comments and texts are inappropriate and you don't like them, he should honor that and STOP. But, that leaves the underlying problem - why he doesn't see this as inappropriate to begin with.
I understand you don't want to be jealous or nagging (I'm in the same boat except mine has hit a rock...). Approach him in non-accusatory, non-critical way and tell him how the situation makes you FEEL. If you say you are cold, who can argue with you that you FEEL cold.
Take it slowly, think before you speak and don't get sucked into an argument. But, this should be nipped in the bud. His behavior isn't kosher.
Good luck.
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