A
female
age
41-50,
*elede
writes:My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and boy do we have drama. He's alcoholic and he recently relapsed, he's isn't as bad as he was before he started going to AA but it still bugs me because I've had past relationships with people who have abused me physically and mentally. Second he never helps me around the house anymore, I feel like his freaking maid! He says that if keep on bitching at him about picking up after himself he going to do it even more. Thirdly, He always wants sex and always asks for it on a daily basis and it's really unattractive and annoying. I feel that if he helped more around the house and didn't ask for sex that he would get sex more often but he never listens to a word I say. What do I do! I am to the point where if he doesn't start acting I'm going to leave and don't want it to come to that. If anybody has any feedback would be great cause I don't know what to do, Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Why are you still with this man? Leave him to his problems and go. The alcohol and his selfish whims are way above you in his priorities. No, it's not easy dealing with alcoholism but don't feel guilty. I'm sure he'd be a lovely man if he wasn't an alcoholic, but he is and he's making you unhappy and determined not to make any effort. His constant demands for sex when there is nothing about him to turn you on are going to erode the last of your self esteem - don't put yourself through it anymore and leave.
A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 Hi there...
Being an alcoholic is really difficult and if he has gone to AA then he will probably go back someday. Have you been to Alanon or any other groups for family and codependents? Knowing the AA program and the true personality of alcoholics might help you in helping him deal with his problems.
Alcoholics are egocentric in nature. So, him not picking things up and wanting sex all the time is probably just that, he cannot see or understand your needs because he has his own needs to take care of. Understanding he has an illness is difficult for you and for himself. Being able to stay sober is really difficult too if you don't go to meetings and comply with the 12 steps, so... if there is any chance of it working out I would bet on AA and other support programs so he can deal with his addictive and egocentric behaviors.
For you to do whatever you can to help and finally to decide when it is time to just go on and leave him behind you need to understand his illness. As a recovering alcoholic I can assure you that whilst he is consuming alcohol or any other drug it will be very difficult to better your situation. Best of lucks!
ps you can find information on AA and other family/support groups online at http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org
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A
female
reader, lilacfox  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 Hi,
Was your husband clean and sober when you met him? Or did he get into recovery since you have known him?
The disease off addiction/alcoholism is not so much the act of drinking or taking drugs, it is the mindset and behaviour underneath.
He is still going to AA even though he has relapsed? This is a good thing.
However, this does sound like an abusive relationship. The behaviour of a sick alcoholic/addict whether they are drinking or using, or not, is going to be abusive, it's the nature of the beast, I'm afraid! I'm sorry to sound harsh, but that's the way it is.
If he has recently had a relapse, then he is not going to be well, physically or mentally. Is he being honest with you about any of this? Is he being honest in his meetings? Does he have a sponsor? Have you ever been to a meeting with him? There are meetings that are open (meaning anyone, addict/alcoholic, or not) can attend, and it might give you some insight into what goes on in his head. You may hear someone else in the meeting share something that rings a bell with you.
For yourself, maybe think about support of your own. Al-Anon are a support group for family members of alcoholics and addicts, and you may get some identification there. http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
Ultimately, I think you need to have some quiet, honest words with yourself. Is the way he treats you acceptable to you? What would you say if your best friend was in the same situation? Is it likely to change? Are you staying with him because you are afraid to be on your own?
The comment you said "if he helped more around the house and didn't ask for sex that he would get sex more often" worried me. Is this relationship really all about him, and what makes him happy? It shouldn't be about him "getting sex", it should be about the two of you sharing something together because you love each other!
You obviously feel that this is unacceptable, else you wouldn't have written this letter. This is good, as this is a start to you believing that you are worth far more than to be a doormat in an abusive relationship!
Please feel free to message me if you like, or to write some more here.
Think on this last thing, sometimes an addict/alcoholic won't even begin to get better until they have lost enough. They have to hit rock-bottom. For some this means losing their job, for others it means losing everything they have and living in a gutter somewhere. Is he willing to risk this? Be honest with each other. Good luck :o)
x
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