A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid(s), I am very confused.At the beginning of the year I met a guy and things seemed to be going really well. Both of us were virgins, and when we finally had sex it felt like that became all our entire relationship was about. I started to feel used, because when he'd visit rather than spend time together all he'd do was try and pursue me. When I wasn't fully reciprocating or just doing things to make him happy, he'd take over and finish himself off (without me asking so). I ended our relationship as that wasn't what I wanted.After 4 months apart, we were still finding it really difficult to be apart and after talking about all of the above we agreed to try again slowly. I spent the night after with him, and he did the exact same thing again - came onto me, I played with him, and then he just took over until he came. It feels like all he cares about is finishing, to the point where he'll just take over to get it done with quicker. I'm not sure what to do, not only do I feel rubbish at pleasing him, it's really difficult to connect to him when he's always touching himself. It doesn't feel intimate. At first I found it attractive and it turned me on, but that was a once off thing - not every single time. My friends have warned me not to get involved with him again, but aside from sex we really connect and have something special. I'm not sure what to do, it feels like our talk solved nothing. What should I do? He becomes a completely different person when he's turned on in comparison to the sweet person he usually is. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 August 2017):
 I absolutely agree with YouWish. I couldn't have said it better.
I just wanted to add that I think the two of you NEED to spend more time together IN public where the time spent together is about building a deeper connection, and more contact that isn't ABOUT sex. Or rather that isn't about him getting his rocks off.
You are both inexperienced. Nothing wrong in that. You need to LEARN to set boundaries, ASK and EXPRESS how you feel. You two also need to talk about sex.
However, if you KEEP bringing it up and he KEEPS ignoring it - then nothing will change and whatever "special" thing you feel you have will vanish.
Some guys (and girls) are not able to handle a GROWN relationship where sex is part of it. It's like they can't walk and chew gum, it's one or the other. That is a sign of immaturity. No one is "born" knowing how to have a relationship or a healthy balance with intimacy, it's a learn as you go. BUT that REQUIRES that you are WILLING to talk about, adapt and compromise... You seem willing, is he?
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 August 2017):
 There are a few things you said here that caught my eye, and I believe that they contain some of the heart of the issue here:
1. "Both of us were virgins, and when we finally had sex it felt like that became all our entire relationship was about."
Yeah, unfortunately, that *can* happen. It's the new toy in the relationship, and the kind, and sweet and emotionally engaging boyfriend you're with becomes a SEX-CRAZED RABBIT, groping during a simple hug or cuddle on the couch, constantly suggesting sex, and acting like a nymphomaniac. That's because IT FEELS GOOD, and it's THE NEW TOY, and he feels like a man more and more every time. EVERYTHING goes out of balance because he treats sex like a new video game, where they play 20+ hours per day and only want to stop for eating, sleeping, or bathroom time!
2. "When I wasn't fully reciprocating or just doing things to make him happy, he'd take over and finish himself off (without me asking so)."
At this point, you're checking the sexual encounter with an egg timer with your mind on something else. You are new in the ways of sexuality, so you don't have the knowledge to switch things up in the bedroom, and instead of outright confronting (or limiting access!), you cringe, turn your head, pretend to fake it, until he's done, and then you're miserable.
3. " I'm not sure what to do, not only do I feel rubbish at pleasing him, it's really difficult to connect to him when he's always touching himself. It doesn't feel intimate. "
If sex were food, what you and he have is the knowledge and skills to make ONE meal, and it's rubbish fast food! He knows nothing, you know nothing, and that's because of your mutual lack of experience in sexuality.
A true and great sex life has three things:
1. Knowledge and Technique: The best way to learn these IS NOT PORN...I REPEAT, DO NOT use porn to learn sexual techniques, because that is not real lovemaking, but exhibitionist sex designed to get the VIEWER off, not the couple (or threesome!). Learn the Kama Sutra, tantric sexual practices, Karezza, a good sex shop has really good books and videos on teaching REAL sexual technique.
2. Desire for adventure: This is where the rubber meets the road. If this guy is willing to SLOW DOWN and try new things and experiment with you, you can learn the aforementioned techniques and have a lot of fun seeing how your body responds to different stimulus.
3. Balance: This is where I'm nervous. He wants it constantly and has fallen into a bad habit of using you to get off, and you have helped it by disconnecting just to "get it over with". You need to have a real talk, and do things to get to know each other outside of the bedroom. You may not succeed here, depending on whether he takes the directive to learn new things and take on a more balanced view of sex. Hopefully, if you stay together, the NEW TOY syndrome will ease, putting the relationship back in the forefront.
Finally, NEVER FAKE an orgasm. Part of the reason you're being put off sex is because you're not getting anything from it. Don't lie to him and make him think he's pleasing you. Be honest with him....you'll be doing both of you a massive favor!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2017): I couldn't disagree more with this statement from a previous poster 'You have no right to tell him how to please himself'Damn right she does! Sex is a two way street. Expecting a young woman to sit there and be used as a live masturbatory aid while he w*nks himself off and does nothing to reciprocate is ridiculous! Would we telling a man he had no right to call a woman out on it if she did the same? No chance! Honestly I usually hate to jump on the 'porn is bad' train but stuff like this makes me realise how damaging it can be when a young man would rather use his hand than let the live naked woman in front of him do it!
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (16 August 2017):
I'm afraid I agree with everyone else - ending things again is your only option. And for what it's worth, I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to put up with a man who basically got himself off while I sat there awkwardly! I'd feel like he was treating me like a real-life naked pic from the internet (which might actually be the case if that's the way he's got himself off before losing his virginity).
I agree with you and think that sex is supposed to be a mutual thing that connects two people together. Sadly your boyfriend doesn't seem to look at it like that, so I think you should go your separate ways.
And don't feel guilty about it either - he's got no issues doing exactly what pleases him, so you have every right to do the same and refuse to stand for a selfish lover that is only interested in his own orgasm. There are lots of other men out there who really care about their partner's needs and pleasure too.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (16 August 2017):
 It seems to me that the two of you are sexually incompatible.
I doubt that he'll change his bed room habits so the question is; what are you going to do?
Going back to an ex isn't always the wisest decision to make and I say that because not all issues can be resolved, realistically speaking.
You need to decide if you're willing to stay and put up with it or if you're going to leave once and for all. In fact, that's what you should do because you're just so incompatible and you have very different ideas on how love making should be.
Perhaps just leave it be.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 August 2017):
 Neither of you is "right" or "wrong". You are just different.
If you are not comfortable with his behaviour, then you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is, bite the bullet and break up for good. Don't stay in contact. Talking about it is unlikely to change anything because this is how he is.
Sometimes in life we meet people we are attracted to, who we "click" with, but who we cannot stay with - for reasons like this one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2017): You're incompatible. You are trying to change him and make him behave the way you want him to. He is being who he is; that happens to be someone you find difficult to accept.
You tried a second time, and he still has the same behavior during sex. There is nothing you can do short of brainwashing him to turn into the person you want him to be. His sexual-side is also a part of who he is. It's different from what you want.
End it for good. Don't try to be friends; because he is too sexually-attracted to you to just stop.
You've met someone who has recently discovered his sexuality; and his approach and habits about sex is different from yours. You have no right to tell him how to please himself. So you have to find someone who does what you like him to do; and wants the same things in a relationship.
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