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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been seeing my boyfriend for three months and in general we get on well. But one thing that keeps cropping up is his exes. The other evening the subject of children were brought up (he hasn't got any). He told me that he had not used protection with his wife of eight years or the next relationship he was in for three years and could not say whether they were using contraception or not. He has also told me weeks ago that he did not want children with either of these women. So i was a bit miffed and said if he didn't want children with them why had he not taken measures to ensure they didn't get pregnant. He told me he probably couldn't have children then as the girlfriend of three years wanted them but she never fell pregnant, yet he told me that he never wanted children with her. Have i any reason to be annoyed by this, i feel that he says one thing but then contradicts himself but i am not sure if it so important to bring it up again
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (20 August 2017):
he sounds immature and ignorant. That is my opinion based on reading all of this. I have met similar people and reached the same conclusions with them
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be fair it's me that brings up his exes, he would rather not. When I asked him last week of had been drinking and I got really angry and wouldn't allow him to explain properly. We spoke about it last night and he explained it all, I simply wasn't willing to listen a few days before. He told me he and his wife did not want children as he had met her when she already had two young ones. He said she was on the pill. He also said he told the girlfriend from word go he did not want children and he knew she was also on the pill. However he was concerned at the end she may trap him and knew he had to leave her. He was only 22 when he married his wife and throughout their marriage she cheated on him. He said he knows the girlfriend was not right and he isn't proud of that relationship. The woman who got pregnant she told him to use the withdrawal method and when I first met him we also did this.Her pregnancy he said he did question as he knew she had been in a relationship not long after he started seeing her,but he did accept the child would have been his and suported her when she wanted an abortion, even though he did not want her to do that. I know I need to put the exes to rest and last night we cleared it up. I trust him and I know he is a genuine lovely man. But thank you for all advice, I know the responses were based on my initial question :)
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 August 2017):
 I think you're dating an idiot. Sorry. But how much education do you lack if you fail to use protection when you don't want children, and then just go on to assume you can't have any? Every heard of getting a check-up at a clinic to get it confirmed you actually can't have any, rather than assume an ex gf cheated on you?
Really?
It just shows so many negative traits in him, I'd dump him if I were you. For one, he's not really that smart, now is he? Two, he's really rather selfish, because he knew he didn't want children, yet had a girlfriend who wanted them, but he would rather use her to get over his ex wife, than be honest with her about not wanting children. So she just threw away three years of her life on a man who never saw a future with her. How sweet. Third, he clearly lacks class. Why is he discussing his sex life with his exes with you? Why is he even bringing them up? Too much information here, and next he'll be talking about you to some other chick. Not classy.
Im not surprised you are annoyed. I would be annoyed too. It's one thing to make stupid mistakes like not wearing protection, when you are young. It's quite another to be a full grown adult and still not realize the difference between a smart and responsible action, and an idiotic one.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 August 2017):
 I think it speaks to a couple of really unattractive traits in him.
1. carelessness about birth control. He didn't want kids with these women YET he didn't take ANY steps to prevent kids. That is careless AND stupid.
2. presuming that he "can't" have children because of an ex-GF/wife didn't get pregnant from unprotected sex and when the ex-GF DID fall pregnant... he ASSumed the kid wasn't his. THAT could as easily be HER ability to reproduce that failed rather than his... So again STUPID ASSumption. If he hasn't been TESTED by a doctor he really doesn't know. He is playing Russian Roulette with other people's health.
3. He didn't want children by this ex-GF and went with her so she could get an abortion! Does he have ANY idea what a woman GOES through emotionally, psychologically and physically when having an abortion? But I guess that didn't matter because the "kid" probably wasn't his....
HE is ( I presume) in his 40's so he should KNOW better.
4. He has put the FULL responsibility of birth control in the hands of other people. My guess is if his ex-GF had kept the kid and asked for child support he would have been whining and not wanting to pay... because HE didn't want kids. THAT is immature beyond reason.
My advice to you?
If you want to keep dating this fella KNOW that you are 100% in charge of birth-control. It's on you. Even if you can't have children, DEMAND he put a condom on. AT least till you have both been tested.
Get an STD panel done and tell him you expect him to do so as well. HE has had unprotected sex in the past and thus SHOULD get tested.
And consider this, if he is SO careless and inconsiderate about this - how is his overall way of thinking and doing things?
I think it IS a red flag. Up to you how you want to proceed. Just REALIZE that you probably can't change how he sees this issue, nor can you change the past and he can't change his past actions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I bring up the past he asks me to take him as how he is from the moment he met me. He says that he loves me and the past doesn't matter, I just find that I focus on it a lot
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis wife had two small children when he met her so I can only assume she probably didn't want any more (plus he is adamant he didn't want any with her) the girlfriend after he was on a rebound from his wife and has said he didn't love her and didn't want children with her even though she wanted them. I have to assume they both took precautions and they just didn't fall pregnant by luck. He told me after them a girlfriend did get pregnant but had an abortion. He suggested the other night maybe the baby just wasn't his but I find it hard to believe a woman would say she is pregnant by him then have him go with her to actually abort the child in a clinic..
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (16 August 2017):
 He's just really irresponsible and careless. You should take the initiative to make sure that the two of you are protected since he doesn't really seem to care.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 August 2017):
 Whatever you do, USE CONTRACEPTION! Do not assume he cannot father children.
I think he is just a typical lazy male. Not all are that irresponsible but many (sadly) see contraception as "her job" and are then surprised if their partner falls pregnant. How on earth did THAT happen? Doh!
I find this behaviour annoying, immature and irresponsible. If he had daughter, I am sure he would not be impressed if her boyfriend had the same outlook.
All you can do is take responsibility for YOURSELF. The relationship is new. In time you will work out whether this irresponsibility extends to other areas of his life and, if so, if it is a deal breaker for you.
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