A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:A bit confused and could use help from some of the great agony aunts on here. I almost started an affair with an attractive and married man I work with but stopped myself as the word is that he is a bit of a player and I would say he is. He has just started wooing another co worker...a friend of mine and they are all lovey dovey in the office. I guess I am thinkig he is getting away with murder and would like to warn my friend off and call his wife. He has been doing this for years and getting away with it. Another part of me thinks it is best to ignore him and not give him the satisfaction but the word is he is terrified as his wife will find out. He told me he is worried about the financial repercussions if this affair gets out. It is awkward working this gods gift to women...any tips on how to handle this?
View related questions:
affair, co-worker, I work with, married man, player Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany responses here. Thank your for the input. Danielpew, although harsh may be on to something here I must admit. The moment I returned his flirtations..even a bit I put myself in the same league as him and it makes it a bit hypocitical for me to tell his wife.His reputation is known in the city. There are a lot of women in his wake. I will say nothing to my friend, nothing to his wife and let karma take this guy down.
A
female
reader, pgissyd  +, writes (23 November 2007):
 Danielepew I do understand what your saying, that she maybe wants revenge on this guy by destroying his marrage, and other selfish reasons, but does it really matter what her reasons are? Do you not agree that the wife deserves a chance to find out for herself exactly what her husband is upto?
In short, the messenger is unimportant beyond the messege. the important thing is that the wife is allowed to make her own mind up.
by not throwing acusations, or naming names or giving details, simply saying where and when, she is giving the wife the choice. she is giving her the ultimate descision to find out the truth or not to.
she is not actually getting involved, and besides i reccomended she warn the co-worker that he is married first anyway. then said co-worker can make her own choices as to what she does about this guy :)
I have little comment on the men are pigs comments, every person is as individual as a snowflake in my opinion and I dont take kindly to stereo typing. though here is the bit where he mentioned male pigs...
" I am a male, and I hate men who cheat. It gives all of us guys a bad reputation. It's people like him that cause girls to make comments like "all men are pigs", etc. We're not all pigs. "
I see the stereo type, but I fail to see where he states he is better than all other males on the planet. perhaps you could clarify that, maybe best t mail me rather than drag it out here.
Though I do think this discussion on weather or not this woman informs the wife in some way is probably of great value to her, seeing all the pros and cons of doing so or not doing so. and if anyone else wants to join this debat, you would be welcomed xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 November 2007):
 No, pgissyd, I'm not a cheater myself, and I'm against cheating.
I'm afraid that we're beginning to have a discussion among ourselves, and we're moving away from giving advice (even if harsh advice, like mine). That would be my fault, and I recognize it. But, for the sake of clarity, this is how I see the situation:
1. Someone at least flirted with a person she knew to be a married man. In my book, this means doing the WIFE a harm she didn't deserve.
2. Someone didn't get involved because she learned the man was a player. That is, the WIFE's feelings were not a consideration here. Correct me if I'm wrong.
3. The cheater gets himself another woman, who happens to be a coworker and a friend of the poster. The coworker knows the husband is a cheater, knows he is a player, but CHOOSES to harm the wife.
4. The poster wonders whether it would be right to tell the wife about the infidelity. That sounds like payback to me. This is not about the wife.
5. What would the coworker think about her FRIEND if she told the wife?
And then, I made a comment about swine and all that, because I don't like men who bash other men. The poster who did this, who, by the way, remained anonymous (why shouldn't he tell the world his name, so we could know his virtues?) puts himself above the rest of all the men who have cheated or will cheat. That is, he thinks he is better than other men. Yeah, right. He is the one without fault.
I do understand that people like to know when they are being cheated on. When I was cheated on, I wished I had known it earlier, yes. I've been there. I notice that pgissyd thinks this is help. Maybe, but not always. Have you ever heard about women who learn about their husband's infidelity, from an anonymous person, who then happens to be the woman who is cheating with the husband? What the other person wanta is the WIFE to leave the husband, so she will have a chance. I've seen this happen. (Just for the sake of clarity, I don't mean this is true of this case; I just want to show that telling about an affair is not always due to "good" reasons).
I'm not condoning cheating or saying cheaters don't deserve what they get. I thought that was clear.
...............................
A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (23 November 2007):
Danielepew Im guessing here, but... Are you a cheater yourself?
No we didnt say the women he has cheated with are innocent, yes his only worry sees to be financial downfall upon himself, and no we dont care what happens to the cheat.
The Only person suffering from what this man is doing is the wife. the only one that is importnt in this situ is the wife. (and poss kids)
The one that should know is THE WIFE.
I wish someone would have pointed me in the right direction when my ex was cheating on me. He did it ovr and over again, I did have the odd anon phone call, the odd letter saying things like 'your boyfrind is cheating on you, dump him' but we lived as man and wife and have two children together, the notes and calls only proved to upset me and make me suspicious, making life with my then partner hell.
However one day I got an anon letter, it didnt state 'b'friend chats, dump him' there was no details like 'he is seeing my mate, I saw them shagging behind the shop' It simply said, word for word as best I can remember...
"I think there is something you should know about your partner, But I am not going to point fingers, you may even already know about it. However, Your partner is going to be delivering to **** shop in ****, He usually gets there around 230pm on thursdays. 'She' is due to finish at 240pm. He always parks out the back of the shop, they do not hide themselves very well and stay in the car park. I am giving you this information so you can decide where to go from there."
Thats it, no signiture. I needed to know once and for all if he was in fact cheatig, so I drve to said and deleted town, I parked in a local car park away from the shop, then I walked to the back of the shop and sat down out of sight. I had left my children with my best friend. Sure enough he turns up bang on time, it takes him a few minites to unload the stock, he as most of the women helping him and flirts with them terrably the whole duration.
Then he stops inside fr a bit while he does the paperwork and has a cuppa.
He leaves and sits in the van for a while, then the shop door opens and a young girl (i think she was about 19) came out and climbs into the van too.
He starts the van up and drives to the opp side of the car park, van facing a wall. both get out and climb into the back of the now empty van. I dont want to continue.
Needless to say I am forever grateful to the person who wrote me that letter, I do not ever want to know who it was, but she saved my sanity.
I had convinced myself I was loosing it to have been suspicious of him for so many years, but this person male or femal, I assume it was a woman, Showed me how to find out for myself the truth.
I say this woman should write a similar note. its open ended, makes no accusations and allows the wife to choose.
If you dissagree, fine thats your opinion. but your reasons go unvalidated.
Take care hun, peace to you xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 November 2007):
Just a quick comment, before anyone goes out to right the wrongs in the world.
Regarding the issue of telling the wife:
What difference is there if the poster told the wife anonymously? The only difference here is, THE POSTER wouldn't get caught. She would be the good girl in the story, though she is not. She was thinking of getting involved with a married man, in case anyone forgot. In this regard, she is in the same moral plane as the cheater.
What reason would the poster have to tell the wife? Obviously NOT the fact that she is being cheated on. The poster wanted to cheat herself. I smell payback here, and this in the name of being "good".
Yes, a wife who is being cheated on would perhaps like to know. Or, a wife who already knows and has her own reasons to stay will hate your telling her, and perhaps will "shoot the messenger". What if the wife is with him because she cheats, too, and they just have a financial arrangement? You are supposing that the wife is a very good person who just can't see the many signs of infidelity. But, we can't know.
We don't know if the man has any children with his wife. I don't think a woman should stay with a husband "for the sake of children". It's always a mistake, and quite often it's only an excuse to turn a blind eye to the cheating. But, telling the wife, with the "financial" repercusions, which seem to be the only important repercusions here, would have a lifelong effect on the children, if there's any. Would the poster accept such a responsibility? What if the wife wishes to stay with him, no matter what, because, mistakenly, she thinks she is doing it "for the children"? Is it really the poster's decision, or is it the wife's?
About the friend, she knows what she is doing. Let her be. And let her face the consequences of what she does. Where I live, not so many years ago infidelity could cost you your life. Cheaters knew what they were up to, and let me tell you that didn't stop them at all. Some of them got killed indeed, but that came with the cheating.
As to all men being pigs, I see that the anonymous male thinks he is far above all other males. I've never cheated either, but I don't think that puts me anywhere above the rest. Knowing my imperfections, I shall find myself a place with the rest of the swine.
Question: when a male cheats, is another woman involved? The man is a serial cheater. What about all the women who have slept with him knowing he's married? Can I conclude that women like these give a bad reputation to all the women, "all girls are pigs", et cetera?
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 November 2007):
 Hi
I wouldnt get involved myself. Apart from making sure your female work colleague knows he is married. The balls in her court then isnt it.
His missus probably does know hes a serial adulterer. Most women (and men) do. My aunt used to cheat left right n centre years ago. Her husband knew, but didnt want to lose her. It paid off cuz they are still together and she doesnt cheat anymore now she is older.
He flatters women and makes them feel special, but just wants his leg over. Weird bloke. Just be glad you had the sense not to be another notch for him sexually. Then ignore the loser. Hes obviously got a pretty messed up head there on his shoulders.
C xxxxxx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): Tell the wife. Wouldn't you want to know if your husband was cheating on you for years? If you don't want him to know you squealed, do it anonymously. Or listen to the last post and tell her when and where and let her catch him. It's the right thing to do. I am a male, and I hate men who cheat. It gives all of us guys a bad reputation. It's people like him that cause girls to make comments like "all men are pigs", etc. We're not all pigs. Maybe alot of us, but not all. I never cheated on my wife and never will. Whether it's good times or bad. Please tell the wife and spare her the pain of letting this go on forever.
...............................
A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (23 November 2007):
I applaude you, well done for not getting involved.
Yes warn your co worker what he is like, so she can make up her own mind. And its not your job to tell the wife, but she does need to know!
If you want to make it your mission to be the messenger, then send her an anonymous letter, state the facts but not the details.
I would want to know if my husband was fooling around, but I wouldnt want to know he had some office girl over the printer if you see what Im saying.
Its best if you mention where and when she is likely to 'catch him at it' as a letter would be enough to upset her, but sometimes you have to se things with your own eyes.
Bear in mind that telling his wife will destroy this mans life, but if he is a serial cheat, then quite frankly he deserves it and his wife deserves better.
take care and I hope yo make the right choice without getting too emotionally involved yourself.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (23 November 2007):
Well i'll also congratulate you on not going further than you did because he would have just used you for his selfish gain and got rid of you.Imagine still working with a man who dumped you.As concerns your friend,all you can do is inform her of what kind of man she's flirting with and if she won't listen let her be.She's an adult who's responsible for her own actions.However,be careful how you tell her,if she's alredy fallen for him she may think you acting out of jealousy but if she's really your friend who you truly care about,you'll drive the point home.As for being the whistle blower,you certainly have no obligation to tell his wife.What he does with other women is strictly his own business.If you tell on him,imagine the wife asking you what your interest is and she may end up venting her anger on you.Even if you do tell on him,do you think he'll stop being a player?I seriously doubt.Therefore,what would you achieve?I strongly suggest you try as much as possible to ignore him but if it really bugs your mind you can send an anonymous letter,though he can easily dispute it.Don't complicate your life with his problems.Forget about the feelings you had for him and try your best to ignore him.
...............................
A
female
reader, evelangel  +, writes (23 November 2007):
 In my opinion.
Yes you should warn your friend, and from experiance she will probably ignore you and say your jelouse, but she will have heard your concerns.
No you should not tell his wife that is an issue away from the work place, and it can screw with more than just there relationship, it could mess up work.
If this guy is a cheater like you say he is i wouldnt be supprised if the wife already no's, it will come out in its own time...
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 November 2007):
I congratulate you on being smart and not falling for this man. You're safe. I think staying away from him is all you should do. As you say, ignoring him is best. Don't get yourself into trouble by telling his wife about his cheating. This is not your problem anymore.
I'm sorry, but I don't see why you should consider how to "handle" this man.
Let's see. Your friend knows this man was trying to get involved with you, yet she is "lovey dovey" with him. She must have heard the same rumor you heard. She must know he is married. Yet she has chosen to get involved with him. I say, whatever happens to your friend is her own problem. She is playing with fire and she knows it.
The man is a serial cheater, and that makes him a very bad person, but I don't see why you should tell the wife. First, that is husband and wife's problem. Second, if he's a serial cheater, my bet is, she knows it already. Specially if this has been happening for years. Staying with a cheater is a difficult thing; I may suspect that there's more to her staying than meets the eye. She may have her own reasons to put up with the cheating. Or maybe she doesn't know; but, why should you tell her?
Are you sure you don't want to get even with him because he was obviously trying to play you? I'm sorry to say this, but, you didn't think about the wife when you were about to start an affair with him. And you knew he was married.
As to his concerns about cheating, well, that is not your concern, either. This is some man. If he's really afraid of the "repercusions" of cheating, why won't he stop? He needs to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions. And clearly he is not afraid of the moral or sentimental repercussions of his cheating. He just doesn't want to get caught. Well, he's taking his chances; it's his problem what happens next.
Seeing this from another angle, are you sure it is not you who is worried about the repercusions of telling the wife?
Just ignore him. And, don't ever get involved with a married man. Aside from the fact that you hurt someone who has done you no harm, your chances are very bad. Don't commit to someone who will give you a "higher reason" not to commit to you.
...............................
|
