A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What to do? Should I ask him to leave? We've been married for nearly twenty years and have two doting children. But you can bet that almost every holiday we have ends up in frustration and near separation, because of his prolonged eye-contact with a woman over my shoulder. Why doesn't he even notice that I'm standing there watching him (and her) dojng it?It's intensely frustrating to be given sworn love and then completely ignored whilst lust (or is it?) takes over.Any help/words of wisdom appreciatedThank you x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear writer of "actually don't get the fact that men look at other women. The thing is that I am a woman. And when..."
I think your reasoning and logic were spot on. Thank you. Things are great now and your answer has made me think of all kinds of things I want to do to improve not just the situation, but also myself and my self esteem. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): I actually don't get the fact that men look at other women. The thing is that I am a woman. And when I am in love, for some reason, I could care less who I look at. Sometimes I just don't understand why men do, even when they are in the same position of being in love, supposedly. The thing is that the only reason I would look at a guy like that is because I am looking FOR something and NOT just looking AT something. I am looking for a guy to talk to. You know I am just looking for a guy. That is why I look at guys. So if a guy does it, especially so blatantly, I take it to mean the same thing. He is looking for a girl. And of course that is disrespectful.I am lucky that my current bf is really respectful about that. Sometimes it is all a matter of being really choosy of who you fall into a relationship with. Sometimes people are very drawn to material things or other things of that nature and overlook the fact that they are dating a total creep. And sometimes people have low self esteems and just take whatever they can get, including total creeps. And sometimes even though you WERE choosy and got a wonderful respectful man, time can take a toll on the initial passion he felt and maybe doesn't feel the same passion for his girl anymore, and so he starts acting like a creep. I guess the point here is that either you just married a creep and he has always been a creep or maybe he is just a little bored with your relationship. In any case, it is despicable. What you have to do is just take care of yourself and always keep things exciting and new. (with or without him). Go to the salon and get a makeover. Go on that diet that you have been putting off. Just keep living an interesting life and make yourself interesting. Don't let this consume you. Keep living and bettering yourself. And at the same time figure out what you want. Is this something you can live with? Is he willing to change? Do you guys still love eachother? Can there be a rebirth of love and respect with all that's happened? Figure it out. But no matter what, keep working on being that fabulous, sassy, beautiful, interesting woman that you should ALWAYS be. If you can't keep him on your toes at least keep yourself on your toes. It will really give you a new perspective on life and perhaps even solve this issue for the better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): The thing that some here have not picked up on is it is extremely inconsiderate for him to do this. Everyone has a peek at nice looking people that is natural. This is usually done without a loved one noticing. That is the code. Wear sunglasses on the beach if you want to check out the nice-looking men or women is my motto. I would not want my partner to feel bad, so I would not stare at another person and ignore their presence. He always comes first. The way that your husband looks at other people in that way, like a man out of control, a rabbit in the headlights, is a bit like elbowing you out of the way, making your presence inconsequential. There is some delicacy and respect required I think, in relationships. Curtesy etc. I hope you can understand this bit, it looks slightly random now but here we go...some men are like raw meat sandwiches, a bit clumsy and indigestible. Perhaps they like staring at sandwiches in shop windows so they can get hungry enough to disdain to enjoy what they have in the cupboard at home. I just don't think we fabulous women should have to have this kind of rubbish on our radars. Fine if our men want to have the odd look, but please don't bother us with it and don't expect us to endure rudeness. I had a partner, who I gave up. He did what you husband does. It was embarrassing it was so obvious and I felt ashamed. He would have his mouth open and be unable to hear what I was saying. Then I found out about the porn, then he told me he had frequented prostitutes. Is there more under this that you could explore to see whether he is a sex addict? I realise it may not be likely. But, what bothers me most is that he can't seem to stop himself even though it upsets you. It really should not be impossible for him to adapt his behaviour for the sake of your happiness. Surely he considers you more important than this indulgence. If he does not and in addition will not/ can not stop, that would be worrying and I would consider again what I wanted from life. There is no need to rush, you have time. It is not too late, don't let people tell you that you have to accept rubbish. I am 45 and only just in the best relationship of my life - for the past two years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): He should respect you more and try not to do it while your around. Guys I'm with I see sometimes look at other girls but most of the time they don't and it seems like your husband dosen't think you care? or he dosen't care what you think
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): Some guys are like that. My ex bf would do that sometimes and he adored me. He probably still does. But he was the only guy I have been with who didn't make me jealous. I don't know why. Gosh one time we were walking down the subway and this girl walked by him wearing a mini skirt and he literally turned his head all the way around with his eyes FIXED on her skirt the whole time. I got a little jealous but I just ignored him and started walking ahead of him real sexy. He caught up. But that was the type of relationship we had. The crazy thing is that I loved him! We never fought! He never cheated on me. We just really really loved each other and felt real confident with each other. No matter what. I guess we had started our relationship with an enormous amount of openness and so him looking at girls was just part of the flow. It's hard to explain.And I have NEVER had a relationship like that again. If my current bf did that, I would FREAK OUT!! And I would agree that it is utterly disrespectful. I don't get it either. So if his looking at other women IS something that bothers you and makes you feel less loved (I don't blame you), then he should stop doing that. Absolutely. Tell him "I hate when you look at other women in my presence. Show me some proper respect and STOP IT! I don't like it!" That's all. Don't say anything more. The shorter and more assertive you keep it, the more it will sink in. Just say it ONCE and keep it SHORT. And then drop it. That is the only way that he will listen and get it and respect it.
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A
female
reader, dont_worry  +, writes (30 August 2007):
 the happiness of your childrencomes firstand if this situation is affecting the hole familydont think it twiceyou better start looking for a divorcebut first try to seeif you can fix the problemthe thing is.. that man are like animals unfortunatelybut you can try to talk to him and see where is the problem? try to do something for your marriage and for your kids (:maybe you need to connect each other once more, remember why you married himetcgood luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): you can talk yourself blue in the face or you can join the fun......start making a point to notice other men, check out their bodies, fantasize about what they look like naked, think about how yummy it would be to kiss them, it will surely take your mind off of whatever your hubby is busy looking at and with practice you may find yourself enjoying it :-).....just remember if your hubby notices and objects, you have 20 years worth coming to you!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (30 August 2007):
 If the worst he is doing is looking at other women, then GET OVER IT.
If he is cheating on you, has children with other women, then you have something to complain about.
Try turning it around. You be the one to point out girls for him to look at that you think he would like. Watch how that changes things for you.
It does not matter where he gets his appetite, as long as he goes home to eat.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, daglish  +, writes (30 August 2007):
 Unfortunately no man ever stops looking at women unless he,s dead. Even the importent do. The only problem is that for your case, he doesnt seem embarassed even in your presence. Am afraid 20 yrs is too long for you to be thinking abt separation. The best thing to do is to try and ask him whether there is anything he sees in other women that he hasnt seen in you for the 20 yrs. Otherwise you may ignore him and just stick around for the sake of you kids.
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A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (30 August 2007):
 As a bloke, first off, I can't honestly condone his behaviour as it's something I'd never do- especially when I'm with my wife! I can understand how it can hurt but sometimes lust is just that with guys and it doesn't translate to love. Sounds obvious but maybe you should explain how you feel about it. I'm hoping he'll understand! x
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