A
female
age
26-29,
*rinityHunter
writes:Okay so there's this guy. I've had a crush on him for a while but then it turned into more of a brother/sister relationship. We still flirt and all but this isn't what this question is about. He just got into a relationship with absolute TRASH. She wears dark dark makeup, stuffs her bra to almost triple their normal size, and she's just disguisting with very bad hygiene. And the thing is, he's such a GREAT and absolutly AMAZING guy and deserves nothing less than a great and absolutly amazing girl. And trust me, this has nothing to do with my past crush on him, I just think that he deserves so much out of a relationship and its just not something that she will ever give to him. Am I being selfish to want this for him? And what should I do about this? Thank yu!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 Sounds like he is playing you to get attention to feel good about himself. If he is really interested in you he will take time to talk to you besides just flirting. So take it slow with him and make sure he isn't just using you to make himself feel better. Make him work fir it to show you he is serious about you, if he is. I don't think that he is serious about you at this stage, but he might be later on if you play your cards right and don't jump ahead with him.
A
female
reader, TrinityHunter +, writes (11 December 2011):
TrinityHunter is verified as being by the original poster of the question So, he just broke up with her after 4 days of dating, I'm pretty sure because of everyone teasing him about his choice in girls, and he started texting me again. Now keep in mind that we haven't texted in a month, but still talked at school, but anyways, he has done nothing but flirted and called me beautiful. Is he interested in me or just bored and want to text???
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 December 2011):
 Do you WANT to be more than sisterly with him? If you do then you must sit him down and talk to him about it. IF you do want more, then he has a choice to make… if you don’t, then you need to establish physical (and emotional) boundaries that he must respect.
Sounds to me like he likes teasing you…. And it may not be worth it for you to continue this little game with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2011):
 Tell him to save his touchy feely stuff for his GF.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 December 2011):
 I thought you were past your crush with him?
Tell him to knock off the flirting since he has a girlfriend. It sends you the wrong kind of message.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Tell him its not appropriate he has a GF and thinks he can touch you up. Would you like it if he was dating you and touching up other girls? No you wouldn't.
Teen dating- EXCLUSIVE is the equiv of being faithful, monogamous.
Dating habits now reflect dating habits later. Boundaries are ALWAYS HEALTHY and NEEDED.
Less confusion and hurt feelings for anyone and everyone.
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A
female
reader, TrinityHunter +, writes (7 December 2011):
TrinityHunter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone SO much!!! These answers have really showed me how selfish I was being. But here's another thing, all day, and I mean ALL day, he has flirted with me as more than 'sisterly.' He's constantly grabbing my hand, playing with my hair, hugged me from behind eight times, and when I was trying to leave he grabbed me and told me not to leave. What's with him? He's never acted like he liked me that much until he got a girlfriend... What should I do NOW??? I don't want to allow him to cheat and I don't want to be considered a whore for letting him do it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): If he hasn't asked for your opinion or advice, don't say a thing. Hes his own person and makes his own choices for his own reasons. You don't own him.
You may want what is best for him (?) but its still not your business.
She may dress that way but does not mean she does not own a good, caring heart.
Who cares if she stuffs her bra? Seriously? Or wears dark make up? Some people look FAB in dark make up.
And even then, his caring heart could influence her to become an amazing GAL. Its who LOVE works. It can influence and challenge another without even having to say a thing!
I say let it all unfold and just remain his BUD that is like a Sister and keep your envy under wraps.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2011):
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Maybe HE likes her, her stuffed bra, bad make up and hygiene.
Maybe she has a killer personality and yea, it's none of your business.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 December 2011):
Great advice given thus far, only like to add a few things.
Unfortunately this is only the beginning, you will see plenty of men you find attractive, wish to date, who date trashy women. That's their type. They're not exactly ready to date the girl next door who you can take home to mother.
You're just his friend, so you have no say in who he dates. If this has nothing to do with your past crush, then why are you so concerned about this girlfriend?
Who are you to judge, due to her outward appearance, if she will be able to give him everything he deserves in a relationship? You don't know that. Beneath that trashy look, she could be a very nice, caring, giving girlfriend.
To answer your question, selfish isn't the right word, but more controlling. You want him to get rid of the girlfriend, because you want better for him, but in reality what matters is his decision and if he's happy or not. IMO, I think that crush still lingers and you hate seeing him with her, whether you want to admit or not.
Lastly to echo the rest of the aunts, there's nothing you can do about it.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 He must be getting the sex of ten lifetimes. I don't think thoughtful admonitions will move him to do anything else.
Also, I think this is his choice. This should go first in my answer.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I wasn't aware that a woman is considered "trash" if she wears dark eye makeup, stuffs her bra and doesn't take a shower every day. Your reasons for not liking the girl are superficial, petty and immature. If she was a lair, a cheater, really jealous or mentally unstable, or did something really underhanded or morally bankrupt, yes, you would have the right to say something. Since you have yet to say something about her CHARACTER, I take it there is nothing majorly wrong with her as a person, nor do you know her.
You say he deserves more out of a relationship that she cannot give him. Now what is that, natural makeup and daily showers? Lol. I am sorry, but this is ridiculous. You're young and immature and the way you're seeing things are normal for your age range. Just know you're unreasonable and that there is nothing you can do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2011):
You smile and befriend her to the best of your ability and perhaps with gentle subtle guidance you can get her to see the error of her ways???
Seriously.... there is NOTHING you can do... and if you try all you will do is piss off your friend... so not worth it. IF it's meant to be you are going to have to deal with her anyway.
IF it's not meant to be she will be gone eventually.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 December 2011):
I don't know if this is about being selfish or not, but I do know that who he dates really isn't any of your business, and if you care for the guy then you need to support him no matter what crappy decisions he makes. You can't control his life. People make mistakes and they need to make these mistakes so they will learn, otherwise you will have to start being a nanny for adults because they haven't learned to make their own decisions.
I know it sucks to watch someone you care for end up with someone you know is trash, or fake etc. But we just got to suck it up. He doesn't see her the way you do. I have a group of male friends (they are a group who have been friends since they were little) and there was this one bitch who in highschool "invaded" them. She was a total faker, with make-up on so thick you couldn't guess what she naturally looked like, and she was preventing the guys from meeting any other female friends (including me for several years, she would literally drag guys away or interrupt any conversation, she was rude right in your face, yet these guys were oblivious to it). This woman then went on to sleep with 3 of these 5 guys, causing a bunch of drama. And yet my one friend who didn't sleep with her said to me one time "she's such a natural beauty", and was full of admiration for her.
I almost puked. Natural beauty? With black eye make-up looking like a panda and the wrong foundation for her skin-tone so her face was darker than the rest of her skin.. Natural??? But this is guys. And a great personality, woah... Yeah these guys used to think she was all that. Then after she screwed them over for some years and caused drama and told them not to talk to other girls they finally broke free of her and saw her for what she was truly like and now keep a firm distance.
I could have told them years and years ago what she was like, but they wouldn't have believed me. So best to let them figure out on their own. And the same with your friend, he needs to figure out that she is trash all on his own. When he figures it out he'll learn not to date girls like her again. But guys can be so blind to this sort of thing... so you need to let him be because he wont believe you if you try to warn him. So just be patient and wait, he'll figure it out, and once he gets rid of her he'll value you even more because he'll see how great you are. So don't step in between them.
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A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 you should do NOTHING!
Its really none of your business. If you go poking around and trying to cause problems, the only relationship you will hurt is yours. Nothing drives a friend away faster than them sticking their nose where it doesnt belong.
He is with her for a reason - perhaps its one you cant see, but he obviously cares for her otherwise he wouldnt be with her. To his eyes she is the amazing girl you think he deserves.
If she is as bad as you seem to think, then he will see the light sooner or later and he will need a shoulder to cry on. If you cause problems now it wont be your shoulder it will be another friends.
Just because she pads her bra and wears dark make-up doesnt make her a bad person. Neither does her questionable hygiene - maybe she has an allergy to deoderants or a problem with excess sweating (I'm not making excuses for her, just trying to get you to see things from a different perspective).
Stay out of the situation, be supportive of him without actively encouraging or discouraging the relationship.
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