A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is a really great guy, kind and thoughtful but sometimes I feel as if he's taking over too much and overwhelming me.He will send me jokes and then say I must mail them to my dad/brother/sister when I feel they are inappropriate or I don't have time to send joke emails because I'm working.I had a plant that was looking a bit untidy and he's going 'why haven't you taken that plant out yet/do it this weekend after you've finished your Saturday shift' (at which time I will be totally exhausted and not going to go do gardening).He's coming over this weekend and he's bringing his steak pan (and a few other kitchen utensils) because I don't have one like that - which I will have to find storage space for in my limited cupboards.This goes on all the time and after a while I start to feel this tightness in my chest which I think is stress related.Am I being over sensitive? Should I just go with the flow and not let it bother me or is there a way to get him to stop without making him feel as if I don't appreciate what he does for me or that he's trying to help? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 Your boyfriend probably means well, but as they say 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'.
Trying to fix this in one heart to heart conversation is probably just going exhaust you and confuse him. Instead, tackle smaller issues one at a time. That way you get quicker results and he gets specific information instead of something vague like 'you're crowding me'.
You could start with the joke emails. Next time he asks you to forward them, just tell him you only forward those you think they will appreciate, and leave it at that. If he asks for an explanation, repeat what you just said and if he keeps asking you keep repeating it. He'll give it up when he gets tired of hearing the same thing over and over again.
When he asks why you haven't tended to your plants or recommends a time when you should, simply respond with 'I'll get to it when I'm able.' If he asks for an explanation, or volunteers one himself, repeat what you said.
It's important to be upbeat but brief, clear and decisive. If you sound impatient or angry it may lead to an argument and your boyfriend will dismiss your attempts to assert boundaries as you lashing out after having a bad day. He'll assume everything will return to the old status quo when you're in a better mood.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I think personally you're being oversensitive. So he sends you joke emails, in ten years will that really impact your life so much? No. You probably won't even remember it, so stressing about it isn't doing you any good at all.
So he told you to look after your plant. He can't read your mind and he doesn't know that you're forgetful and exhausted. Ask him to help you, that's what he's there for.
If you don't want him to come over and cook for you over the weekend, tell him that you have other plans.
It really seems to me that you aren't really all that invested in your relationship with him at all. Maybe you should be single for a while until you can get your head into being TOGETHER with another person.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Am sure he does not mean any harm, this is just the way that he is, you don't have something so he feels he is helping you by bringing it to you, as for the plant well he is just trying to keep you on top of things, as for the jokes well he just wants your family involved. But if it is getting to much for you, and you are feeling like he is over crowding you then talk to him and tell him how you are feeling, ask him to cool off a bit, only you can stick up for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): He can offer his opinion or command but you don't have to do as he says/suggests. So is it HOW he communicates, comes across bossy/controlling or over managing that has you feel overwhelmed? Is/was Dad like that or Mom? I think you are rebelling because when someone is overly 'helpful' and offers their unsolicited or unasked opinion, advice, critism -its actually a form of control over events, people, things. Healthy people don't impose or overstep themselves. So I think you are picking up on that symptom.He is now over invading your space via your home, not just emotionally or mentally and it for sure has you resenting him as he is not 'helpful' he's controlling. Taking over. Imposing his will. Which says he has absuive tendancies.I only know what you are panicked about because my Last EX was EXACTLY the same way. Then would say I had a problem because all he was doing was being helpful and whined about no one wants to hear him, or he can't be a nice guy. He's a control freak and its not healthy and yes, it does in fact make you feel, with justifiably cause, restricted, pent up, about to explode, go cuckoo!I say, tell him to keep his stuff at his place. If you want whatever utensil, you'll get it when you want.Start standing up for yourself and please seek a counselor ASAP because his need for control is now affecting your physical, emotional help and you need to sort it all out and figure out a plan of attack.In the end, you are going to have to kick this guy to the curb. Look what his 'love' and 'niceness' is doing to you. You are not going to change him and shouldn't feel like you have to. He should already be a healthy guy and have no need for control.Controlling men are ticking time bombs and with hypersenstive egos making them borderline or narcissists.COUSELLING ASAP, get emotional support and strength to kick him to the curb or get couples counselling.In the end though; its way more work to have someone confront the WHY they feel a need to control over getting healthy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Put your foot down and stand up for yourself. That's the only way, or else he'll completely take over. Some people have this habit and just aren't aware of what they are doing or how uncomfortable it makes others. Speak up!
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