A
male
age
30-35,
*rangejuice24
writes:hey guys, I have been seeing this girl a lot and we recently became boyfriend and girlfriend. We are realy comfortable around each other and can talk about anything. She is a great girl and has been through a lot especially with her dad dying on her 18th birthday last April. We are both 18, turning 19 in the next couple months. I have never had a real girlfriend and she has had 5 boyfriends that I know of. She used to live in Florida but moved up here to New Jersey last May. She said she had a boyfriend here for about three months but didn't have sex with him. She has had sex with four guys and I'm still a virgin. Her past is really bothering me and I don't know if I want to have sex with her because of what she has done in her past. I need help please.... Her story about her past isn't adding up. Her first time was with her first bf when she was 16 and it was his first time too. They broke up when she was 17. Between the breakup with him and her moving here in May she slept with three other guys. She told me that they were all boyfriends and that she waited at least around five months until they had sex. It doesn't add up. What should I do?? Her and I have discussed her past a couple of times before. Thanks and sorry for the long note but i wanted to give you guys details.
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broke up, her past, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): You're not being judgemental. You're being lied to about something that you have strong feelings about. Something that is normal for you to have strong feelings about.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): You are being judgmental. A lot of people around that age make mistakes. She might not be proud of it, but you shouldn't let it get in the way of your relationship.
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (7 March 2009):
While I respectfully disagree with kaylagal's opinion here, I do agree with her in the following sense:
If you care about the number of her partners, feel she is less valuable for having dated other guys, and consider virginity as a sign of "standards" and being a "good girl", then you should probably move on. You'll feel shortchanged and she'll feel disrespected.
Even if you judged her no worse for her experience, you would still be wise to take into account any patterns from those relationships, such as how they broke up or what baggage they may cause for her (including health-wise).
As for the honesty angle, though, I don't think that misrepresenting the number or timing of sexual partners, especially among younger/less mature people, especially young women, especially early in a relationship, especially with partners who seem (excessively) concerned about it, is either unusual or a sign of fundamental dishonesty. I view it more as a sign of insecurity and a reflection of society's double standards.
But to each his own. If you judge her badly for this, there's probably nothing promising in the relationship for either of you. You don't owe a relationship to someone with different values than yours, great girl or not.
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A
male
reader, orangejuice24 +, writes (7 March 2009):
orangejuice24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your answers so far. To clarify something, I dont know any of her boyfriends. She lived in Florida when she dated and had sex with all of these guys.
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A
female
reader, kaylagal +, writes (7 March 2009):
 Okay, I don't agree with the first two answers. Yes, her past doesn't add. 4 partners and she's only 18, NO. You have every reason not to trust her. I'm not judging her but she's a little to fast for 18. You're a guy, the same age as her but you're still a virgin. Break up with her and date someone with the same standards as you. There are a lot of good girls out there, don't be her fool. Find another virgin so it can be both your first time. She's too seasoned for you.
Don't feel like you're judging her - using her honesty. You're just being a smart guy by asking questions, and if you hear the wrong answers, you're not obligated to stay with her.
You mentioned that she's dated guys you know, why would you want a girl some other guys have dated. GET YOUR OWN GIRL. She's way to young to have had 4 sex partners, NO WAY, PLEASE RUN.
Oh, BTW, as women we usually shrink our number so that 4 might be a 6 or more.
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A
male
reader, orangejuice24 +, writes (7 March 2009):
orangejuice24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand that she will be emotional about the anniversary of her dad's death and i respect that wholeheartedly. What happened to her in regards of her dad's death is horrible and i feel so sorry for her and i would never disprespect her about that. I am just concerned because she also told me that she had a bf after she moved here to nj for three months and that they didnt have sex but then she told me the last time she had sex was about six months ago. That would put her right around the time she was dating the guy she said she didnt have sex with. This is about the truth as much as it is about her past.
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (7 March 2009):
A woman is not a math problem.
More to the point, if she likes you, and you demonstrate to her that you judge her based on (including caring excessively about) her past relationships, you can expect to get a version that she thinks presents her in the best light. This is especially true as society has tended to judge women more harshly for the same behavior as men. Hopefully as we get older we learn such pretense is counterproductive, but at 18, 19? To some degree you'll get what she thinks you want to hear.
If on the other hand you treat her past as a series of experiences that have made her who she is, and judge her based on the results (not the circumstances that got her there), you are more likely to be trusted with the real her. Embarrassing details and all.
I'd counsel you to think what it is you want, the girl or her resumé.
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