A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my fiancee for two and a half years. I couldn't ask for a better lady. She's intelligent and absolutely stunning. The thing is though, she has a massive sex drive. She's never satisfied with just vaginal intercourse, she has to have anal intercourse as well. Now, I don't mind these things but what I am starting to mind is the fact that she wants it every day and at the weekends all day! I try to make her happy but sometimes I'm just exhausted from work or I just need a break. If I tell her I'm not in the mood she thinks it's because I don't fancy her any more and she makes out like we never have sex! At the moment we're having it at least five days of the week! How can I make her realise that it's not because I don't fancy her, I'm just tired?! She doesn't understand!
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male
reader, Mr.Smith  +, writes (24 March 2009):
I do also find it hard to feel sorry for you, but thats comming from me. I also know what your going through, having been there once myself. I hate to bring it up mate but did you ever think it might be you? I dont mean to put a bee in your bonet but this women is going to marry you so you must have some attraction for her right? Try changeing your behavior a bit, to find out what you need to do so she might pace herself a bit so she doesnt want to rip your cloths off every chance she gets, but still wants to rip them off every few days or so. Oddly enough you might already be doing that. Its documented that some people (both male and female) when in a relationship which is view as not "confirmed", perhapes call it "uncemented", in a manner such as marriage they subconsiously believe the only way to keep that viewed as "possiably uncertin" relationship alive and continueing out of true love and need is to have alot of sexual intercourse. If that is hard to understand (not that I think your stupid just that I explained it badly) She is tapping that so much because shes afraid she will lose it, and by reassueing her your not going any where then she might settle down to more manageable levels. Remeber that both parties in a relationship are people and thus its a two way street, both of you can cause things to happen or not to happen.
Alot of people have urged you to talk to her, but i must point out that somtimes talk is cheap and somtimes ineffective. One must be delecate in this area or somthing which is working out very well otherwise can go sour. tread carefully, perhapes crush up some bata blockers in her morning coffee or ceral to chemically lower her sex drive, or get her to take large ammounts of saw palmeto or another sex drive reduceing drug... wait that doesnt build trust does it. If i may sugest a better less dangerous way, take a day off work that she doesnt know about. Get it all ready to have the evening of her life and some sex she will never forget, afterward when she exhusted herself and tired pull her close and make her feel safe and warm and loved, then put it to her strigh. Tell her everything, leave nothing out, cry a little if you have to, get choked up show some emotional attachment, show fear... and compromise... try somthing like "you enjoyed tonight, well lets say twice a week we do it this way, and leave a few other time open for being spontanious, but take things a little slower so i have the energy and ability to do this for you." and remember one thing i this siuation is you dont want a crying women on your hands. Everything is about her, not about you, at that momemt in time you have no need want or desire but to make her happy for the rest of her life, but you have limits.
Cheers,
Smith
A
male
reader, davie  +, writes (24 March 2009):
This is a really complex situation. You need to think really hard about how this is making you feel and how it could make her feel if you talk to her.She has a high sex drive, she wants sex and she wants you. Talking to her won't change that. She takes your not wanting to when you are tired as rejection. Even though you are justified in your reasons it is actually rejection as she is wanting it and you are saying no. You might not have been in that situation before but let me assure you it is probably very painful for her.You need to keep in mind that even if she understands you still fancy her she will probably be less happy if you start cutting back the sex. Can you live with things continuing the way they are? If you can then maybe you should try and get more sleep so you're not so tired.Having sex all day on the weekends would wear anyone down. How often would you want sex though? From your post it sounds like you're finding five times a week way too much. If that is the case it seems like you two have severely mismatched libidos.Hopefully if you assure her you love her, you find her super attractive and love having sex with her that she will understand. Keep in mind though that her first thought will probably be "well if you love having sex with me, why don't you!?" For her being tired probably wouldn't stop her having sex.If you do talk to her I would think very long and hard about what you're going to say and how you're going to say it. It sounds like your talks to her so far haven't gone very well. Even if perfectlty articulated they still might not go very well. The thing is that she wants to have sex with you (take it as a compliment!) and that is the way it is. There probably needs to be a bit of acceptance and compromise from both of you -- but that is the tricky bit!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): suggest taking vitamins?
however have you tried talking to her and asking to slow it down a bit. seems the best thing to me. or use toys to exhaust her?
Star.x.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (23 March 2009):
 Im reading this and find some of the responses interesting - if the post had been a woman complaining of her husbands overly hungry sexual appetite i think the responses might have been diffrent, you may have ben advised to talk to him, tell him how you feel, not feel pressured into having to keep up and tell him to chill out, but because its a guy talking about his gf/wife its all good on you's and keep up with her or you might lose her etc etc....
I think you should take tge advise i'd give a woman or a man in your situation - you need to talk to her!
It is wonderful that she has such a good appetite for sex but if you're tired and you have sex the next day you may be even less inclined to have sex - and then there becomes an even bigger problem, you might start resenting her appetite but not want to say anything to her, and so she starts to feel unwanted, and then there becomes a rift and she doest bother initiating sex and you think shes just reading your mind and just hillin a little, when in fact shes then just backing off because she feels unwanted, so you carry on as if you'e just having a day of rest, but you not initiating it because you think shes having a rest makes her think her unfounded feelings of being unwanted are true and backs off feeilng hurt even more...and its a vicious circle!! You need to nip this in the bud before it becomes a serious problem...
Most couples will have different levels of libido at times and im sure if she didnt want it, she'd tell you...talk to her, explain that you want her, you want her a lot and that you love and cherrish her, but that you're genuinely tired from work and think that sex a little less frequently may improve the sex you do have becaue you're not then so tired - tell her you're happy to explore new avenues such as vibrators etc or that you'll happilly look into ways of expanding your own energy if she'll look into maybe decreasing hers - find a middle ground, thats what you do in a relationship - just becareful of your wording, your not rejecting her, you want her, but you also need to recooperate.
Maybe suggest a few days wait for sex o build up anticipaion? Make it a game?
I understand where you're comming from - im a woman and have a good sexual appetite but i can take it or leave it, my husband works from 5am til 5pm and is always tired but that doesnt stop us - if he is tired though nd doesnt want to, i might be left hanging a bit but he's only human and if he gets some sleep i know the next time is going to rock...so i respect that, i know he loves me. I know he knows the reverse is true too if im tired.
Just communicate a little more, and good luck!!
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A
male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (23 March 2009):
You're Fiance!? Did you have pre-marital counciling yet!? I think you should, because the way things are going, your marriage won't even last two years! She's being totally unrealistic! Damn! does she have a job? She should start exercising to relieve some of that energy! She isnt' being fair to you at all. She needs to control her sexuality, she's letting it rule her!
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (23 March 2009):
 I have much bigger sex drive than my partner ... and yes, you are absolutely right ... if my partner saiz, he is tired and he doesn;t want me ... I get all upset and think he doesnt love me anymore, and Im not attractive at that moment etc ...
We spoke about it w my BF and he told me, that there are times, he just can't do it, cause he is exhausted, and that he still would love to, but he is affraid, that he won't be able to do anything. So we just made kind of a deal. If he really can't have sex w me ... we usually just fool around a lil and I finish it myself and it does work.
Maybe you should just talk to her and see what kind of a deal can you make.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (23 March 2009):
 You know, I am sure there are men reading this and saying "can I be her fiance (or wife)? I have no or very little sex life with my partner now". And there are women out there who reads this and said "I'll have whatever she's having, because I need to match my husband's high sex drive"It is not unusual for a woman to have a high sex drive. Medical/hormonal treatment is available, but like the old saying "if it aint broke, don't fix it". However, your incompatibility on the energy level does need to be addressed. Why? Because if it is not addressed, there is the probability that even the strong love bond between the two of you may be breached. Since she appears to have more energy than you, perhaps she is the one who needs to match up her energy level to yours. That means, she needs to "spend" her energy on positive activities like more time working out (can be done at home or at the gym), or at work, or in a place that are both physically and emotionally demanding, such as volunteering at shelters (for rescued animals, or for abused children) or in nursing homes. That way, when she comes home, she will be so spent that all she wants to do is just cuddle and fall asleep.You, on the other hand, need to save your energy for the endless "exercises" with her during the weekend!Cat
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): You lucky man!!! Some people got it soo tough. Man, I feel sorry for you. Buy her a toy or two, you know, one that vibrates. Keep in mind, if you don't take care of her, your best friend just might.
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