A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm in a loving relationship with a wonderful girl and have been for almost a year. However I have an issue.I can't get over the fact that when she was single she used to love dressing up on fancy dress nights and Halloween etc. Obviously in a sexy way (what is this female obsession with dressing like that on fancy dress??). I don't like it because I know that she 'got lucky' when she dressed up in that way and went home with people a couple of times. Now, I'm sensible enough not to let something in someone's past (we all have one) ruin what I have, and it's not ruining me or anything, it's just something I want to get past, for myself.I guess it's mainly because I'm jealous/envious. We're both university students at differen't universities but while she's been a typical, party going, happy and sociable student getting action, I used to be pretty angry and depressed and bitter at the fact that I hated all those girls for being so promiscuous, but if I look deeper it's because I wasn't getting action. I was just in a bad place during the first 2 years of uni and was envious of the students who'd be all happy and confident every night out end get sex. It's pathetic I know. I can get girls and did kiss girls in clubs but I never slept with anyone at uni because i was angry and depressed. And this bothered and still bothers me a lot. Like I feel like I've missed out.It's also pathetic because whereas now she only wants to take me to fancy dress parties and dress up sexily to please ME, I can't get it out of my head that the reason she's so confident dressing up like that is because of her past luck. She loves me to pieces and is a very good girl and never dresses remotely slutty, and this issue is all me.I just look at photos of her on fancy dress nights out in the past and thinking "she's about to get banged hard later that night". It really hurts to think about it :(What do I do? Please help me to completely repress this! Or do I have a case? Thank you!
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depressed, her past, jealous, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Pyroshadow  +, writes (21 October 2009):
This about this way:Look at the way she is dressed. It's all for you. The other guys (and girls) can sit there and ogle your girl. Yet she is on your arm. They way they all look at her and want her, yet she is only pleasing you. How many of those guys that see her like that wish they where you!Trust me this helps me a lot. I make sure when I see a guy check out my gf I do something really sexual or put my hand up the back of her top or down her pants or into her back pocket. When you are out in public claim ownership of her. It will make you feel better about how she is dressed and how other guys look at her. And remember most importantly, at the end of that night, she crawls into YOUR bed and lays her head on YOUR chest. And just remember all those other guys cant touch her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): Lest tear off the dresses and excuses here.
She's had more partners than you have, and she was more promiscuous about choosing them than you were.
No wonder you are bothered by it. Its different life experiences and different moral choices about sex for you and her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): How she dressed when she ended up in bed with somebody doesn't matter. An attractive women can get laid if she wants to dressed in a very wide variety of ways. She can in a business suit, a sexy low cut top and tight pants or in jeans and a loose top. Women dress how they feel comfortable and attractive. They want to feel attractive to the women who they might be out with just as much as they do to a guy. Us guys benefit from that.
Years ago, my wife would go out to bars with friends and would occasionally end up in bed with someone who she just met. Yes, that hurts that she did that, but it was part of her past life. Yes, it did bother me at times that she was so easy, but that is not the person she was when I started dating her. She always dressed nice, not slutty at all, just in nice clothes, like she would wear at work in an office job.
When my wife and I started dating, she dressed in the same way. She didn't have any sexy or revealing clothes. After we had been dating for a while, I talked her into dressing a bit more revealing for me and she enjoyed that. She has done that for many years now when we go out to a nice restaurant, especially if it is dark. Perhaps most of the women who I see out at dinner and who are dressed very attractively or even a bit slutty are with a guy, most often their husband. Are they looking to get laid just because they are dressed nice or even slutty. Sure they are, but by their partner. They are looking good for the the guy they are with, not so that they can hook up with some stranger for the night.
Your girlfriend is dressing up for you because she wants to feel attractive and for you to think her attractive. She wants to please both you and her. She feels good about how she looks and you should also. You can't expect that she dressed like a slob for some other guy who screwed her and then looks great for only you. I choose my wife's clothes for what she wears when we go out. They are more revealing then what she ever wore with any former boyfriend or when we first started dating. She likes the fact that she is pleasing me and I like the fact that I get to look at her all night. If some other guy stares then I just think, "Eat your heart out. I'm banging her tonight." You're the one who gets the advantage of going home with an attractive and attractively dressed woman. Enjoy it.
Other than that, read the links that Yos posted. There was some good discussion on this subject in those links. Each man has a different way of handling the feelings and each way is right for that person. The one thing that is a common requirement is to stop whatever it is that triggers bad thoughts. As Yos said, stop looking at the photos if that is your trigger. If the trigger is her being dressed nicely for you then I don't know what to say, except to appreciate what she is giving you now. My wife has given me more than she had ever given anyone else. At least that is the way that I feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): i agree with Yos that you are to be commended for recognizing the reason for your feelings. However i disagree with anonymous' statement that 'we all do stupid things' within the context of this post. I fail to see the stupidity here. She was single, dressed nicely and 'never remotely slutty' and she was a 'nice' girl' ???? would you have been ok then if she had've went out in jeans and a t~shirt? Or a pair of shorts and a tank top?skirt and sweater? behaved like a slut? Or if she wasn't hoping to meet a nice guy (only jerks need apply)? I just dont get the problem here at all. You have made great strides here in your own life, please do not allow your insecurities to ruin this relationship. She chose you...and obviously she sees something of value there. Treasure what she is and what you two have. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 September 2009):
 Well done for recognizing that these issues are being amplified by your own negativity during your time at college.
It's completely natural for a man to find the knowledge of his partners former sexual activities unpleasant. However it can (and often does) become an obsession: something both painful and damaging.
The key I think is here:
"I just look at photos of her on fancy dress nights out in the past and thinking "she's about to get banged hard later that night". It really hurts to think about it :("
You need to stop looking at these photos! They only hurt. And you need to stop thinking about it. Every time you think about it you make the situation worse not better.
The 'trick' is to find other things to do with your mind when you start having these thoughts.
Here's some previous posts that might help:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/male-vs-female-a-debate-on-the-male.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): In my opinion, it's her past...and should be left there...in the past. We all do stupid things like that in college. You need to make sure she is mature now and sees the error of her past ways. Get rid of those photos. You don't need reminders. If you love her then you should be able to put that behind you and her.
Girls like dressing up like that on certain occasions. Think of it as mother nature's way of making sure we continue to reproduce. All girls (no matter the age) need reminders that we are still attractive...doesn't mean we want to get laid, but just attractive.
hope this helps!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): She probably didn't fuck on every nite she dressed up, come on. Girls dress up to feel sexy for themselves, and their partners, enjoy it xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (18 September 2009):
 You need to get these silly thoughts out your head....or you will lose this girl! She has given you no sign of cheating etc to make you jealous or worry so why waste time feeling this way when you should be enjoying each other and be proud you got the sexy girl who dresses up!
Lifes to short to make an issue out of nothing!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): when we go out, we want to look our best! It gives us confidence which makes us more attractive. If we are going clubbing, to work, or to church, we like the fact that our package is appreciated by the opposite sex. We like to feel beautiful and sexy Its a girl thing...get over it.
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