A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help, my “GF” has come out of a very violent relationship of 8 years after a particularly bad beating from her ex-partner (the bruises were awful) she decided to leave him me and her have been getting on well for a long time as friends she asked for my help, as she had nowhere to go and moved in with me. I have always loved being around her and felt an attraction to her so I was happy when she came to me and said she felt the same.We have now been together several months and are getting on really well “most of the time.” She has said she wants to stay with me/get to know me and build a life with me. I have done everything I can to cheer her up and to help her sort her life out. Since she moved in I have even re-done a few of the rooms in my house so that she has space for her things. However herself and her ex have mortgages so she has to contacts him to try and come to an agreement of how to sort them out, when she does he doesn’t discuss what she wants he twists her mind and then she is extremely distant/hostile towards me for anything from an hour to a few days. He also sends gifts/flowers to her work which again makes her distant.She has said she has no intention to go back to him and wants to move on with her life though the other day, he sent another gift and I heard her on the phone to him thanking him then she came and kissed me and said “im a good friend” and was distant. How can I help her to move on and get him out of her life as when he is out of contact things are great between us.
View related questions:
her ex, move on, moved in, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (4 February 2011):
 this girl has unintentionally hurt you, but i hope you can find it in yourself to just be there if she needs safety again. i also hope that she will one day wake up and leave him one day, but sadly the longer this goes on, maybe the less chance of that happening. it might help you to get your head around what has been happened if you learn a little bit about 'battered woman syndrome' to help you understand why this girl has done what she did. i think you should not see it as something she has done deliberately to hurt you, it just seems that this man has got her really emotionally messed up.
without the abusive relationship going on in her life she may have absolutely loved you, or you may never have even met, there is no way of knowing what might have been
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just had the whole thank you.you have done everything for me I'm so grateful speech. I don't know how to feel right now I just feel empty.
...............................
A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (2 February 2011):
I am so sorry!
You know the saying...We can lead a horse to water but we can't make them drink. You did the best you could for this woman, but I sense that she isn't strong enough to leave him.
There will come a time (I hope) that she does, but some people actually find it hard to fall out of love with someone despite all the beatings. I know someone who was very similar and put up with it for 20 years but then found inner strength to get out.
You must think of yourself now, and since you have feelings for her, I believe it is going to be difficult for you to remain friends.
We are still here if you need further support.
Take care x
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (1 February 2011):
oh gawd! i am sorry and i'm sorry for her! it just defies belief doesn't it? that some people will allow their self to be treated that way. very complex, wish she would accept help to make her realise she doesn't have to be with someone like that. are you still gonna carry on being a friend to her? will he 'allow' it? hope you are ok, she was too messed up to care about you
xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell that just goes to show. She came back today with bruses. She was having sex with her ex and is moving back with him as "he Will change" i wish her luck in moving her out and Thats the end. She obviously didnt actually care for me at all.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I did not snoop they were plain to see. I'm going to follow your advice and be a friend im not going to say anything atm will just wait and see what the future holds. Hopefully it will all be ok in the end. thank you everyone for all your advice. Someone once said to me if you can't be good friends you won't be good lovers. so for now I'm going to put my feelings on the shelf and just be there for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (29 January 2011):
oh dear! that's a predicament isn't it? are you being honest when you say she left her bag open or was you having a bit of a snoop?
is she leading you into thinking that you and her are going to have a happy ever after, you're the one etc etc or is she just casual about you? it seems to me that she is really not ready for what you are expecting from her, you know?
i might be wrong but i am reading the situation to be that she needed somewhere to go to escape from him, or rather to escape from the abuse. you had a home available for her so she moved in, but now you are pinning all your romantic hopes onto her and she is still nowhere near over him. he has battered her self esteem, he must have had a really strong hold over her for her to tolerate his beatings and abuse for so long, so although she has managed to get out of the home she shared with him, she is still in the same place 'emotionally'
i think the best thing you can do is back off. be a friend. don't expect too much. BUT don't let her or anyone ever take the p**s out of you. and by that i mean, yes, by all means let her stay at your house but only as a friend, make sure she pays her way, and you get on with your own life apart from the friendship with her.
does this sound do-able? in the future, things may change between you, but be prepared also for the fact that they may never.
have an honest talk, i think friendship is all you are gonna get from her at the moment, so that said, the condoms in her bag are of no relevance really. BUT if when you talk and she starts professing love for you etc etc, then no, don't ignore the condoms. don't be lied to
xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm trying to give her more space. We had our first real arguement and things have been distant again until today, things seem better today. Though I think I'm just worrying myself. She left her bag open on the stairs today and I could see condoms in it. Maybe she never got around to taking them out of the bag? As far as I know, she doesn't like to use them. Do I say something, or just as long as things are going well stay quiet?
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (27 January 2011):
hi
this man has not only battered her physically he has battered her emotions too, its not surprising that contact from him makes her retreat into a shell again. just give her what she needs in order to feel better at these times, even if that means giving her a bit of space. will she consider counselling to help get over the past events? you can be there for her, but she may end up just using you as a 'crutch', which is not really getting to the root of her problem.
i am sure she is still in the early stages of her recovery from him though, an abusive eight year relationship must take SOME getting over, time is a great healer, i am sure that as long as you give her the love and patience, she will come round in time. when all their mortgage stuff is dealt with and she doesn't have the stress of dealing with him any more, this will help LOTS too
xx
...............................
A
male
reader, rouge  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 You could try to be more loving(if thats possible). Take her somewhere and show her how it means to be treated right. If not let her go back to her ex. Because you can't try to keep someone or something that does not want to be kept. Or you could tell her that you are going away for a week or so. Stay with your parents or a close friend then come back. Cheers ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (27 January 2011):
Be careful here, you could end up getting very hurt because you have feelings for her.She is on the rebound and has lots of things to sort before she should even be considering a new relationship. If her ex doesn't co-operate, this could go on for years believe me. I know someone, after 3 years of breaking up, is still having dealings with his ex wife and a house to sell, and still loads of emotional moments which could end up dragging you down too. As hard as we try, we do end up getting involved in peoples problems when we offer support to someone close and even more so when they are living under the same roof.I am not instigating that she is, but please don't allow her to use you. You have been very good to take her in, and make changes around your house to suit her. However, sometimes people can take advantage of this, especially when they need support, but no sooner are their problems resolved and they feel ready to take on the world, their memory seems to go and they forget what you actually did for them..... they then move on and you are left alone and hurt.If she really doesn't want anymore contact with her ex, then she can quite simply ask her solicitor (if she has one)and would advise to get one if not, to write to him stating no more contact other than through them, and they can also inform him too that she would appreciate no more gifts. He is just basically trying to win her back... and chatting on the phone, and thanking him, is just encouraging him and also not helping her to harden up to this man and move on. Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your responce, I think your right. I tried to talk to her about what I mean to her and all I got for a responce was "Im a real b@$td of a woman and you will want to get rid of me soon" then later in conversation she talked about how wonderful her ex was. We are going to see a solicitor soon, i hoping that helps, I realize im the rebound though i have strong feelings for her and would love to make it work. Is there any way i can discourage her talking to him?
...............................
A
female
reader, Cherrie_StPierre  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Abuse is a touchy thing. When a woman is in an abusive relationship, especially for that length of time, her self esteem has been broken down. Abusers do this on purpose so that she will feel that he is the only one good enough for her, even though he clearly is not. When he's not being abusive, he is being romantic and loving. It's all mind control with him and she sees it as genuine affection. Do you love her? Do you want to have a life with her? If you do then now is the time to show it. Shower her with affection. Be romantic. Be fun. Compliment her constantly. Touch her often and tell her how you feel about her, how she makes you feel when your around her. She's searching for that. He sends her flowers, you bring her bigger even more beautiful ones and take her out to dinner. You need to make her realize that she can have everything she wants from a man without the abuse. xoxoxox
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 It sounds to me like you are the rebound therefore just be careful that you arent the one that is end up hurt over this. I think this woman looks to you as more of a friend than a boyfriend. But she had just came out of a very long relationship and even though he was violent to her and sure she still loved him and am sure she probably still does, 8 years is a long time.
Am afraid there is nothing you can do here to get him out of her life. But you can sort out your own life. Talk to her and ask her what you are to her. Also if she has connections to this man with money the best thing they can both do is go to court and get it sorted. Also it sounds to me like he is already winning her over with the presents so you need to talk to her and tell her your worries. But remember its her decision who she ends up with. goodluck.
...............................
A
male
reader, rouge +, writes (27 January 2011):
Hey man i'm 19 now a few years younger then you and my friend had the exact same problem as you. What he did was met the *ex* and told him that she had left him and to move on. That work for about 6 months until his next girl left him then he started back. So my friend went to the police and had a restaining order agnist him(with her help of course). When he called again he was throw in jail for 4 monthes and now he leaves them alone. cheers ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): She was in an abusive relationship. These things are very involved and complicated and the abused person is sometimes locked into a negative type of lure to the abuser. He is obviously trying to weasle and charm his way back into her life. She has a new start with you, but somehow she can not quite let go of the past. You have to play this very carefully. It obviously unsettles her when she sees him. I would talk with her about the fact that her ex is stopping her from trully moving on. The legal things need to be sorted as soon as possible because that link keeps contact going. She should tell him to stop sending gifts (why is he doing this beyond trying to soften her up). It will be hard for her to do but she can never move on with her life until she has freed herself of his control. It is a bit like giving up cigerattes you know they are bad for you but you are addicted. She will need a lot of support.
...............................
|
