A
female
age
51-59,
*urtbybarnett
writes:My boyfriend masturbates to porn everyday. He still has sex with me, but it makes me feel horrible about myself because I am a very attractive woman that is in my early 40's. I look very good for my age. Men tell me all the time that any guy would be thrilled to have me. My boyfriend is 14 years older. He still has a strong sex drive, but he is a porn addict. Every morning he is on the internet masturbating. Why am I not enough. I feel really bad about myself. Although I do look good for my age,I can't measure up to a 20 year old with a perfect body. He gets off on them and has sex with me. I feel hurt, jealous, insecure and resentful. He's not honest with me about how often he masturbates to porn sites. It's everyday. I wonder if he emails women that talk dirty to him. He says he is faithful. What should I do? I don't like being with a porn addict.
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addicted to porn, insecure, jealous, porn, sex drive, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): First you must realize that this is his problem. You are not the cause of this at all.This addiction has reasoning behind it that he may not even be aware of. Until he accepts that this is not normal behavior, then nothing will change.The only way you can help him is by encouraging him to seek professional help!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): puh-lease! Its 2009! Men do it to porn and so do girls, I know I do! Its mechanical for release and has nothing to do with feelings or emotions, please dont take it personally, I dont understand why girls do that (even though I am a girl myself!) I know my boyfriend does it and we joke about what type of girls he looks at and he likes ones like me which is a compliment, join in, watch it together!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I'm sorry that you, like thousands of other women, find yourself in this very difficult situation. It is impossible to tell if your bf is addicted or not by the information you have given us. If he is not, however, he could well be on his way and if that happens, there is a very good likely hood that he will begin to abstain from sex with you.
To clarify things, and understand better, what makes it an addiction, do some research on the web. npsupport.net has a support group for women that are in your shoes and they are very active in posting on that site.
If you are unhappy with his mb everyday, you really need to have a talk with him to see if you could each make some compromises where you both feel comfortable. Asking him to quit masterbating is not something I would ask for however, since he obviously has a great attachment to it and started at a very early age.
This topic is brought up frequently here and porn has definately destroyed many relationships with the advent of the instant access on the internet.
I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Barbara  +, writes (22 October 2009):
HiI understand your concerns as I'm going through similar problems with my husband. Not only does he have an addiciton to porn but an addiction to gambling. It has practically ruined us financially. I also discovered that he met these women online.At the moment I'm debating how/when to leave him. I need to get more evidence and the sooner he knows I'm suspicious then he starts covering his tracks. He's very selfish and really brings nothing to the marriage. I'm besides myself with worry.I'm going to see a solicitor next week and I'm also going to buy spyware software and a voice recorder. I have to get my proof somehow as he as sly as they come.I don't think you deserve this and I can understand why you feel as you do.Be strong and think about your future. Do you want to live like this? Will he change? Do you have children? Is is causing arguments? What else is he addicted too?I hope you find the right answer and the strength to deal with this. It's a big decision and I have to leave mine for emotional and financial reasons. I'm so worried that we'll lose the house. It was all my money that went on the deposit he didn't even contribute 2 pence to it.Barbara
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I think I find a lot of things common with other posters - space. I would equate this with partners sharing passwords, reading text messages on their partners's phone etc...
Usually people masturbate (or used to, before internet) in the bathroom. In many cultures it's not okay to barge into a bathroom even if it's your spouse inside. There is no open door policy. I was shocked to see en suite bathrooms with no latches in some places!
Why not give him some time in the morning to do whatever it is that he does...And why not give yourself the same courtesy?
If he is on the internet every morning ensure you are out of that space... like you would not want to watch him pick his nose or lint out of his belly button. It's not something you care for but you not something which may be a deal breaker...
The second thing to do is to perhaps break the routine occasionally and wake him up with a blow job :)
I know many women who read graphic romances regularly and they say it has nothing to do with their love lives. I would have thought that you would have to have something missing in your romantic life to read obvious escapist fiction. But these women say it has nothing to do with their partners.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): StarMaiden I was agreeing with you and just explaining that sometimes it's not enjoyment that we are after and therefore we don't want that mutual participation.
The rest of the question was directed at OP, sorry I should have maybe clarified that a bit better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): Cerbus: I was stating that it would be more enjoyable for both to participate in together. It can be an exhilirating and beautiful experience when two people come together in this manner...I have never believed any man to have emotion for strangers exhibiting their sexuality and understand that it is strictly a tool used for one to 'get off'. Women, on the other hand are emotional creatures and we long for this type of intimacy to exist between ourselves and the one we love; on a one to one level.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): Sorry I need to clarify this statement I made:
"Also for guys the emotion is the exact same for both going to the toilet and masterbating, satsifaction of release and nothing more."
Masterbating ALONE is the same.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (22 October 2009):
 This is a really tricky subject, as men and women seem to approach porn from different angles.Most of the answers tend to come from men, who consider that watching and masturbating to porn is a harmless and everyday ocuurence that has absolutely no bearing on a relationship. I think that a man should consider this: if his partner is unhappy about something, anything that he is doing, would he stop? Should he stop, or should he continue to upset her, and have no consideration for her feelings?I for one, would certainly consider my partners feelings. Hiding behind the 'harmless fun' tag doesn't really address how someone feels. For a woman, the knowledge that her partner feels horny, and goes to another source to get his rocks off, must be quite difficult. She would wonder what is wrong with her! If he's up for it, why not come to her?I guess the only way to get men to see the problem is to ask how they would feel if, every day, their woman put on a porn DVD, watched men with monster cocks, and masturbated, before allowing her man to get anywhere near her. I do not think he is a 'porn addict' but he clearly is not considering your feelings.Communication is always the anwser, let him know eaxctly how you feel. If he isn't prepared to listen, or at least be honest about his porn activity, then you have a tough decision to make.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I would just like to respond to something StarMaiden said.
"However, as a woman I would prefer my man to masturbate with me while we are being creative together."
I understand that feeling completely, but it is often the opposite of what we want when we masterbate. Masterbation is a quick easy release and most of the time it's because we don't want to "be creative". That's the reason we don't involve our girlfriends in it. Personally I'd never ask my girlfriend to pleasure me without doing it in return as a mutual sexual act so I would never expect her to just masterbate me and want nothing in return. That's why I do it alone sometimes because I'm not actually feeling sexy or in the mood for sex but I might be feeling stressed or have to be somewhere and just want to make sure I've gotten that release before hand.
Please pardon my analogy but the best way to describe it is like this, it's like needing to go to the toilet badly, I know they're different but the feeling of release is very similar and lasts just as long. Also for guys the emotion is the exact same for both going to the toilet and masterbating, satsifaction of release and nothing more.
There is about as much feeling towards a porn actress as there is towards the tissue we use to clean ourselves afterwards.
I know that sounds very mysogynisitic and total objectification of that actress but that's exactly what it is. I would never objectify my girlfriend in such a manner nor would I use her for quick release, so it's better to use porn for that. Whether that's morally right or wrong is not an issue for me because that's what the actress gets paid for. She's a paid masterbation aid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I would like to offer my opinion as a woman. I do agree with both parties that have responded here about masturbation being perfectly normal and healthy. However, as a woman I would prefer my man to masturbate with me while we are being creative together. I understand what you are saying and I would not be comfortable with someone who sat at the computer everyday masturbating either and can definitely see how this is making you feel insecure. If you are not digging it, I would consider moving on. You deserve to feel special and beautiful; because you are.
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female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (22 October 2009):
 As long as he's not cheating in real life, just leave him be. No, you'll never measure up to a 20 year old, it's a harsh fact of life, learn to live with it. (On the flip side, we all eventually die, death being the great equalizer, just a side note, although I know that doesn't help you any, but that's putting it in perspective). A lot of men are into porn, AND there is plenty of it on the internet for them look at. It's just another fact of life. Before internet porn there were (and still are) dirty magazines. It will never die out. The demand will always be there. Either you learn to live with it, or he learns to stop doing it, or else you have to part ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): Yeah what Cerberus said.
Firstly, I'm not sure once a day constitues being addicted. Secondly, I don't think you have any reason to feel insecure or jealous. It seems a lot of women don't quite understand this... but jerking off to porn is just something men do! It makes no difference if we're getting no sex or sex every day, or if the sex is mind blowing or completely boring. We're still going to want to jerk off to porn!
If he would RATHER do that than be with you then I'd say, ok... that might be a problem. But if that's not the case I don't think you necessarily have anything to worry about. It probably has nothing at all to do with how he sees you sexually or how attracted he is to you.
It could even be something you both could enjoy together. But given your reaction that seems unlikely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): This is a very common question and there many varying views on both sides of the argument.
My opinion is that it is illogical to be jealous of fictional characters, they're not real so it doesn't constitute unfaithfulness. As you said it has no bearing on your sex life, so it's not having a negative effect on that, that is usually the main source of conlict when it comes to porn watching but not for you and you should count yourself lucky that guy that age is still so sexually active, loads of guys that age are not.
You feeling jealous and insecure implies you see these fictional characters, actress's in movies as a threat to your relationship and you compare yourself to them, he doesn't, so why should you?
It's not about you being enough, masterbation is a release that has very little to do with sexuality, yeah it's a sexual release but only for 5 minutes. We masterbate every day because it is necessary to do so, to relieve stress etc. and porn is only a tool to make that happen quicker, there is no emotion or feelings involved in watching porn. I mean it isn't even the women we look at, it's the sex itself.
I'll put it to you this way, if he watches a comedy because he's in the mood to laugh (laughing is also a great stress reliever), do you then get jealous or think you're not funny enough for him or wonder why he has to turn to a comedy movie when you can make him laugh? I use that analogy because that's all porn is to us guys it serves a purpose, it's like a woman watching a tragedy which is designed to illicit a tearful emotional release or a romance is designed to illicit a warm feeling.
You do realize he will probably masterbate whether he's allowed to watch porn or not don't you?
If you don't like being with him, then you'll have to consider your options. Asking him to stop watching porn is like him asking you to never watch another romance movie because he's jealous of the feeling it gives you,that you should only go to him for that feeling or he's feeling insecure because the male characters in those movies are not something he could ever be as handsome or successful as.
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