| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi I really need some advice about my partner. We've been together for about 5 years during which time he was going through a divorce from his estranged wife. Over the years I noticed more and more that he can be verbally abusive. He said that during this time he had a breakdown because of the divorce and he hates his ex wife for getting a share of the marital home and part of his pension. They have a grown up son at college and she has been with a new partner for about 6 years now.The thing is, since the divorce finished he started renting his own place but his behaviour seemed to get worse and worse. I really loved him when we met and we went through a lot together, spent holidays etc together. He can be so loving, generous and affectionate but he is highly insecure I guess. I thought once his divorce was sorted and he had time living alone he would get better, which he seemed to do but he has got worse. He says he will never re marry as he does not want to get 'shafted' again! So where does that leave me I often wonder!But his verbal abuse has gotten worse. He makes racist comments about non white people, he puts me down all the time, he calls me a 'bitch'. He said he only was with me for somewhere to go during his divorce and he never really loved me. He also said that he wanted someone to sit with him and watch the films he likes to watch (which I did) but he wasn't that bothered about me. He also has digs about me living in a council house - I have been a single parent for some years during that time I got two law degrees and got a good job and my girls are much older now but I continue to live here as the rent is affordable and it is my girl's home, plus it is an overall nice area very near where I grew up and also I have a health problem which is resolving but I don't think it is sensible to try and buy a place just now, especially with the current recession situation. He is critical of everyone and everything. He is 48 and I am 39. His daughter said he is unreasonable too and for the most part she stays away at college or goes to her Mother and just sees him occasionally. I know deep down he did care for me but I don't understand this behaviour at all. He seems to have become spiteful, angry, bitter and I wonder if he is simply better off on his own. I talked about going to counselling to work things out but he seems to see it as an opportunity to insult me with someone else there to back him up! Does this sound like a breakdown or was he just a nasty piece of work all along and i must missed the signs?? I am very upset as I have loved him dearly and we talked before about living together. Now he seems to just want nothing to do with me. One minute he was telling me how great I am and then the next he is completely demonising me. We had a big falling out and have not met up for a few weeks but have spoken on the phone here and there. I'm not sure what to do? I wonder if he has personality disorder? He seems to argue with and be critical of his colleagues too. This is all making me ill and I'm kind of stuck in a rut with it. We don't live together by the way. Thanks for your help.
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a break, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, puts me down Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 my boyfriend was the same. After two years of counselling and me trying my hardest to make it work we broke up. Only now does he want to change, only now does he realise he treated me like crap and wants to be better.
A
male
reader, frayededges  +, writes (15 April 2009):
I could give a very, very long answer to this one- but I think a short sharp one with a couple of key points will do!
1) I think your partner is insecure, and showing some significant mental scar tissue from his previous relationship.
2) An intervention is called for.
Basically, your partner needs to see what he is doing to the people around him. Many people come through a difficult relationship issue in this state - afraid of being hurt by the people they love, and armouring themselves against future hurt by getting their punches in first, so to speak.
Should you decide to continue with your partner, the biggest issue you are going to face is getting him to realise how damaging his attitude and behaviour is. It sounds like your partner has built quite a shell for himself.
Either way, I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 It's been my experience that when people age, they often become "more" of what they have always been, often in the extreme. It would seem that you have been a loving partner, but missed the signs, I'm afraid. Whether or not he has become this way because of a bitter divorce, a subsequent depression or a mid-life crisis, the fact is that the cause of it doesn't really matter!
YOU are the one that has to deal with his foul temper and mood swings... WHY? Why do you think that this is loving behavior and that you should put up with it? You have shown him a great deal of love and consideration, but at this point, I would take what is left of my self-esteem and my two law degrees, and find a sweet guy who loves me just the way that I am. You deserve better and you aren't going to find it in him, I'm afraid... Take Care. XXX
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