A
female
age
30-35,
*ickett0410
writes:Right, well i've been with this guy for nearly 9 months now, and it's the most serious relationship ether of us has ever had. We've both had kinda rough childhoods tbh I've just gotten over a really rough time in my life, and for the first time i'm genuinly happy. Now our relationship isn't perfect, we have had some trust issues as both of our exes cheated. At one point he was verbally abusive, but I forgave him after a while and we stayed together. I knew he didn't mean what he said and he was just saying it because he was afraid of getting hurt. But we seemed to get over all of our problems and we were fine for a long time. My boyfriend lives about an hour away from me on the train and so I don't see him that often. Once a month if im lucky. So normally we talk through msn, myspace or we text alot.We talk for alot of hours a day. But he has admitedly said to me this is the way he likes it, and he even gets upset if we don't talk as much. And he's always saying how im his booboo and stuff and how he wants to be together always everyday every second. But recently. He turned around and said that he didnt know if he wanted us anymore because I "suffocated" him too much. He said he did love me, but he just didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore.But i'm seriously confused, because mainly he's the one that's all i wanna be with you forever everyday every minute. Which tbh is fine by me, I like it. and he gets upset when we don't talk alot. And he even gets upset if another guy "checks me out" in his words. But still i don't really mind because it's him showing he cares. But, I don't understand what he wants from me right now? Can any guys or girls decode this "guy language" please?
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female
reader, Vickett0410 +, writes (16 June 2009):
Vickett0410 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks :) Tbh, I knew him for a long time before (well. long to me) for about a year before.(coming upto 2 years by now) And I tried to help him with my friendship and stuff, but we kinda both ended up falling inlove? And for a while. well. I had problems, but he stuck with me through it all when most people left my side he was always there so I am definately helping him :) It's the least I owe him.
He is getting a lot better, it's a very slow process I agree. But before he used to be very suicidal and almost every night I had to stay up 'till like 4 with him just to talk things through. But now he really does like life, he just has trouble expressing his feelings atm. (I cant say much I have the exact problem) But we're sort of helping each other :)
Im tryin to be there for him as a best friend and as a girlfriend :D
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (15 June 2009):
 Well, when I would pull away and be uncommunicative she would not call me, she would let me come back in my own time. Sometimes she would leave a message that she was thinking of me just so I'd know she was still there for me when I was ready. She also encouraged me to talk about myself, and was very nonjudgmental when I did. She trusted that I would come around in my own time. It took a LONG time, like 3 years really. I still don't know why she did it, I used to be a tremendous asshole, but she said she always saw the good in me. Now am I a reformed person (thanks to her and therapy) and I will always credit her for changing me and try to pay it forward. She is my best friend and an amazing person overall.
I wish you the best of luck! :)
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A
female
reader, Vickett0410 +, writes (15 June 2009):
Vickett0410 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou :) We had a long talk after I replied and we talked about EVERYTHING, literally. But it was nice as nether of us opens up alot. By what he told me it sounded alot like he was insecure and i'm willing to help him :)
What sorta things did your friend/partner/the person who helped you with the emotional unavailableness do to help?
Thanks, I might check it out as I'm doing a corse on psychology anyways (: you've been a great help thanks :)
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (15 June 2009):
I'm happy that you found my advice helpful :)
It does sound like he has some hangups that he needs to work on. That's normal, we're all human and have issues. I have issues with emotional unavailability myself and what really helped me was having someone who didn't pressure me, allowed me to work through my own issues and get comfortable with myself and with being with them. It took a lot of hard work on their part and I respect that person so much for what they did for me.
There is also a book called "Go Away, Come Closer" that may help you understand what's going on. You can find it on Amazon. Researching emotional unavailability may also give you some tips.
Good luck and keep us posted!
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A
female
reader, Vickett0410 +, writes (14 June 2009):
Vickett0410 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks guys, just seriously I don't understand what goes on in his head. "QuirkLady" you was a really great help and all the others too :)
I asked him what could I do to stop "suffoacting" him and he just went all quiet and said he didn't know.
I just asked for help because normally if your close to the person you can't see whats gone wrong or whatever. kinda like i was too close to the problem to see what was wrong. I suggested a break from each other, cause i thought it might help a little, but he seemed repulsed by the idea. And when I insisted I needed the time to myself to get my head together he got really upset and said that I was trying to find exscuses to leave him. We argued till late today but we decided to stay together and try to work things out.
After arguments like this he always feels bad and calls himself a screw up, is he not emotionall ready for this relationship or something?
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (14 June 2009):
Ah, the old "come closer, go away" trick, the sign of the emotionally unavailable. He is going to be a tough nut to crack. There will be times when he'll be incredibly lovey-dovey and then times when he gets overwhelmed and withdraws.If you're going to make this work, give him space when he needs it. Don't contact him because this will make him retreat farther away. He will yo-yo back and forth until he feels secure, which could be a long time if he doesn't eventually get some therapy.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, love-struckxo  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 How can we help you understand your boyfriend? We don't know what goes on in his mind, and if anybody knows him, it's you. My best advice for you would be to, just ask him, what's going on? how come his feelings have all of a sudden changed.And if anybody should feel 'suffocated' it sounds like it should be you. He is the one that craves your attention every minute of the day.All in all, it is what it is. If he wants his space, then give it to him, and see how much he likes that..Chances are he'll come crawling back.But really, how much space can you give him? you hardly ever see eachother, anyway.
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A
female
reader, Vickett0410 +, writes (14 June 2009):
Vickett0410 is verified as being by the original poster of the question(carried on) I know he likes his "private time" so now and then I ask does he want to be left alone. But he always replies, no. please stay. always.
So basically, I just really need to get advice on what's going on in his mind. please help
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