A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in a 16-year-relationship that became sexless and violent, abusive. I was thrown out the house in middle of night. I left and he wants me back. While away I met another man who I fell in love with and been seeing for a year this man seems quite controlling and demands sex constantly. But he wants me to move in with him and I really don't know what to do. Both men want me. I'm lost.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2017): I do agree I'm not thinking logical at the moment and my circumstances and judgement is so wrong which is way I came here for some advice from people who could talk some sense into me. I just have to follow the advice given and put it into practice. I appreciate everyone who has given me advice on this matter and its so kind of you all to take time out your day to help xxx
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 November 2017):
 I think I'll take advantage of this thread for a sec to express my exhaustion and frustration wuth the time honoured " but there were also good times, not just bad ones " or " but he was not ALL bad " argument which pops up so often in DC posts.
Dear people, do you really not see it ? Nobody will abuse you and mistreat you 100% of the times. Nobody is all bad. Everybody , literally everybody, has got some redeeming features.
So what ?! They still do not make an acceptable partner.
Once there was a guy who worked hard, neither drank nor smoked. He loved music, children and animals . He promoted respect for women and strong family values within his society, and was kind and devoted to his lover.
His name was Adolf Hitler.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 November 2017):
It may be easier than you think, if you just reflect that 16 years have been a huge part of your life... the part which SUCKED. Being physically or verbally abused sucks, being exposed to violence and neglect sucks, always living in the edge and risking to be thrown out in the middle of the night sucks. Only someone with zero self -esteem and little brain would think that ,in a case like this the pros, outweigh the cons- because violence is an absolute deal breaker for any self respecting individual. And I am sure , OP, that you are NOT that person, that person who values herself so little and displays so little rational power; you are just hurt, scared and confused ( I hope temporarily ) BECAUSE of the abuse you suffered. Stockholm syndrome , so to speak.
As for preferring living with somebody rather than alone- well, it depends. I think most people would feel the same- as long as it is healthy,logical, feasible and convenient.
I too prefer to wear shoes , obviously, rather than going barefoot. But if for some reason the only shoes I have available caused me very painful boils and welts on my feet, and made every step torture- what the heck, I'd just go barefoot until I can get a decent pair of shoes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2017): You asked for help on this forum and have been given good sound advice by the aunts and uncles, but it seems to me you've already made a decision. You prefer to share your life with a man who is sexless, violent and abusive or another man who is controlling and demands sex constantly, accuses you of cheating, pushed you, called you names and throws your stuff out of the car.
Does any of the above sound logical to you? If you had a daughter and her bf or husband treated her this way what would you tell her?
So what if some, or even most, of the times are good. Just one these abusive incidents you've described should be enough to drive you away and make you never want to return.
Of course they want you. You're the perfect victim. It's hard to find a woman who thinks so little of herself that she will accept this kind of treatment.
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A
female
reader, ALM12  +, writes (17 November 2017):
 I’m very sorry that this cycle of abuse keeps going ??from a victim of domestic abuse I would say from experience it’s time to give yourself a chance. Travel the world join a gym start a new hobby but first MOVE AND STEER CLEAR OF THESE GUYS. You are worth far too much to be belittled and controlled by these guys.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2017): well yes my ex wasn't bad all the time tho he was good at times too. also 16 years history together is a long time and we been through so much during that time good and bad ! so its not that simple to say don't go back its a huge part of my life and friends that I made live there too !!
also I am not scared to live alone far from it I just don't choose too I prefer to share my life with someone.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (16 November 2017):
As I look at the advice below, everyone tells you to avoid your "sexless, violent and abusive" ex. As I look at the names attached to the responses, they have a history of giving excellent advice here on DQ. And you are still wondering about whether you should go back to your ex???!!!
You wrote very clearly that the relationship with your ex had, to quote you exactly, "...that became sexless and violent, abusive." Is there a mistake here? Why would you still be thinking about going back to him? Of course he's calling you...he misses being "sexless and violent, abusive." This is a difficult time for him...only a few twisted women would put up with this. Good grief, please read the replies over again, several times.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017): can I just say i'm not scared to live alone I just don't wish too as I prefer to live with someone else.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 November 2017):
 If you are to scared to live alone the what is going to happen is you are going to settle for a man who treats you wrong and try your best and be happy with abuse and control. I know I would be much happier on my own than living this kind off life, but off course the choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017): thank you so much for all the answers it was great to hear advice from men and womens perspective.I do feel although both men have treated me bad at times that they have treated very good most of the time so that's what has led to my confusion. the guy im with now I have truly fallen in love with and we do have great weekends away together and done so much together. I really don't want to leave him as im enjoying spending time with him and going away. I do feel hes a bit controlling sexually and also wants my time and attention constantly. he gets jealous a lot too if I do things without him he accuses me of cheating. he also did push me in an argument and call me names and threw my stuff out his car saying to go home myself. but saying all this I miss him when im not with him so its a double edged sword. my ex still keeps calling me and asking for me back and I still don't know what to do. I am staying with relatives atm but this cannot continue forever and I definitely don't want to move out and live alone its not for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017): You have identified similar aggressive behavior in yet another man.
He wants you to move in? Hello...don't move in!!!
Run screaming with your arms above your head in the opposite direction!!! Don't stop until you're in the next township!
Burn the bridge behind you!
Women who have been in long-term abusive-relationships often find other partners similar to the one they've escaped.
They seem to have a special radar that can single-out men of a certain-type. Often they like aggressive or very macho types; because they equate that with strength and manliness.
Over-aggressive males have multiple issues. Too much testosterone reduces a man's ability to control his temper and other aggressive-behaviors. I can recall being told by a close female-acquaintance that she doesn't feel attracted to "pansies." If he can't fight, he's not a man. The same woman I have had to pick up in the middle of the night; because her "macho-man" slapped her silly! She went back to him only a week or so later!!!
I eventually ushered her into counseling for battered-women. It took me almost two years; but I finally got her there. She had to learn what drew her to men like that. I can recall three other situations with her and these thuggish-types. They were smart, educated, and professionals. It was all a facade for the beast they held hidden within. She somehow could find them like a bloodhound!
You must get away from both of those men. I am recommending that you also seek counseling for your post-traumatic stress.
There is no way you didn't sustain psychological-damage from being with a man who verbally and physically abused you over time. It starts to attack you from deep within your mind; and you may not even be aware of it. Until something or someone triggers a flashback!
Please get out of there! Your emotional-attachment may not even be love. Your self-esteem has been compromised by your past experiences. You really need someone professional to help you deal with the pain that has crawled deep inside to hideaway and pretend it isn't there. Get help, sweetheart!
Relationships are not hiding-places. You need to gain some independence and work on rebuilding your self-esteem; and developing your own inner-strength. Not go looking for men to make you feel safe and protected. The wrong man will feed on your weaknesses, and that excessive vulnerability (or passive submissiveness) makes him feel he has a right to control and weld power over you.
You're a mature intelligent woman; not a lost-child without a daddy to take care of her.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (16 November 2017):
Perhaps the best thing Guy #1 did was throw you out of the house...you didn't have to go thru the drama and mess of leaving on your own. Your comments reveal that you obviously don't want to be with Guy#2. There is absolutely no reason to go back to either of them...in fact, there are very good reasons against doing so...one being that you are going to be absolutely miserable.
The fact that you are even wondering about what to do suggests that you may not have the financial strength to be on your own. As Allumeuse notes, there are most likely social programs and charities that will help you settle into life without these men. Or perhaps you have a relative or friend you can move in with. We all deserve partners who make us happy and not emotionally on edge. You are not going to find peace and happiness with either of these characters.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 November 2017):
 Neither option sounds too promising so why not pick a third option? Pick neither of the men and work on yourself. Taking care of you, making yourself happy and learning that if a man is abusive to you in ANY way, he's not a good man and do not stay with him. Sweets, you are in the prime of your life why waste it with someone who wants to abuse your or control you? I agree with honeypie, its lovely to feel wanted but neither man is actually being good to you. Think about it ok? There are other men in the world and another thought..its quite alright to be alone. You don't have to be with someone to be happy!
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female
reader, NORA B +, writes (16 November 2017):
Your first relationship as you stated was violent and abusive.Why would you consider going back to this sort of a relationship.? Nobody has the right to be either abusive or violent to another person and when this happens there is no love there at all...after all you left for a year.However maybe you would consider taking your time before moving in with this other man,because if he has issues with regards to controlling this could cause Major issues in a relationship.So give yourself space and time to think of your future plans Time will sort this out .Kind regards.NORA B.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 November 2017):
 CUT contact with BOTH men. Focus on you.
While I get that it's lovely that they WANT you - it seems more like they regard you as an object to control and abuse rather than a person to CARE for.
Controlling someone is NOT love. It's power plays. Demanding sex constantly is not love or being SO into you he can't get enough of you, it's a lack of respect and the sense of entitlement to YOUR body. A sense of ownership.
Which is why you NEED to step away from BOTH men. You REALLY don't need a man to be happy in life. And you definitely need NEITHER of these two men and their behavior.
Granted having a GOOD partner IS amazing - being single to figure out who YOU attract and are attracted to abusive and controlling men MIGHT be what YOU need to do.
Time to work on YOU.
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A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (16 November 2017):
Both men are not right for you. You are allowing these men to treat you as dirt. Have some self respect and get ride of these terrible men and surround yourself with people who improve and benefit your life. Not drain the life from you.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (16 November 2017):
How about neither of them? If you've just cone out of a bad 16 year old relationship then you need to breathe and spend some time on your own, perhaps thinking about why you would choose two poor men over being single?
Do you believe that being in any shitty relationship is better than none? Why? Being single will give you time to reflect on that? I suspect that is why you end up in these 'traps'. If you are obliged do it through poverty or a lack of anywhere else to go there are women's charities that can help. If you feel that going back to these men is a better bet then work on having a contingency- save money for yourself.
I may be over dramatist your situation- if so and you are financially stable- get a little place by yourself for a while. Take some time off from these men. Block contact and you'll come to realise that time with yourself isn't time wasted.
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