A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do u act around people that gossip? I recently started a job and I noticed that two of my coworkers are partaking in chit chat - one of them first asked for my social media accounts right away (I only knew him for a month) and he wanted to add me on everything - then I noticed the other one on a train ride home talk about why “so and so didn’t get a promotion” or how someone was not coming in on time - I noticed both these men also talk badly their significant other ones which is shocking to me - both these men are in their thirties and one of them has noticed that I don’t play into this gossip thing and he ignores meI’m not sure what I did but I can tell he doesn’t fancy me- they always play this hot and cold shoulder attitude and I don’t want to fall in these games - does anyone have advice - mind you we work in a corporate setting and all of us are in our thirties which is very surprising to meThey also act very quiet at work and then they will have these flare ups in events and tell me this stuffHow do I act around them I don’t want to be anti social but I also see they even though they act quiet they seem to know all the details about everyoneAre they miserable - ? I don’t understand and forgive me for generalizing this as woman gossip but grown men too? Not to sound stereotypical but why do people do that? Especially men - what does it matter ?
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male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (16 November 2017):
Well, first of all, certainly don't say or otherwise reveal anything at work - to anyone - that you don't want publicized. It sounds like you understand that.
Can you transfer to another department? Get another job? These are difficult remedies you shouldn't have to face or simply may not be able to do. But it is darn near impossible to get these louts to change their ways. It reflects extremely poor manners on their part but what's new.
We all handle things differently, but I would make my day more interesting and enjoyable by making only nice comments about people, watching these two being progressively discouraged by not getting any good gossip out of me. But the comments have to be deserved, of course.
Your co-workers - the subjects of their gossip - are probably more frustrated with the situation than you are. Can you group together and let these two know that their behavior is boorish and unwelcome? Has this been mentioned to the boss?
Perhaps we could provide you with better advice if we knew how many people are involved here and how big the company is (whether it is mom-and-pop or has a large HR department).
Also, you might want to stay off the social media sites that are involved...your happiness and internal well-being are probably better off not knowing what they are posting.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017): Gossip is not gender-specific. To believe so is sexist! It's random and as common among people as spreading a cold!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017): Gossip is one of the least-controlled and most common of human habits. People like to feel superior or think they are somehow better than somebody else.
We all self-righteously claim we don't partake; but at some time or another everyone has. If someone does or says something to you that you don't like, if you confide the details of that incident to a friend or someone who is not directly involved. Your hearsay is gossip. It's between you and the other person. If it broke the law, take your proof to someone of authority.
The other person did not tell their side, and they will be judged based on your words. The person you confide in did not witness the incident; and therefore has no right to form an opinion without proof. The reason hearsay testimony is kicked out of courtrooms. We're all human and guilty of it.
Gossip definition: "casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true."
Your hearing doesn't automatically shutoff when people are having a conversation. If you're listening intently, it's eaves-dropping. It's going to happen in any setting where people gather and have conversations; because it's a part of human verbal-intercourse.
Easy remedy. Get up and move out of earshot. Tune-out, and judge not. I ignore what I don't want to know or to hear. When or if I'm invited into scuttlebutt; I just inform everyone I'd rather not comment. I leave them to it. Everything that enters my ears doesn't spill from my mouth. Let what you shouldn't repeat stop between your ears.
At work. Remain professional and courteous to all your co-workers. Let people do whatever they do. It has no bearing on your personal-values or your character.
If they ignore you? So what?!!
Continue showing professionalism, and be polite to everyone.
Avoid being within earshot or within close-range of people you identify as idle-gossips and motor-mouths. Like you, I can't stand them!
The great thing about co-workers is, you don't have to interact with them unless it's work-related.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 November 2017):
 You can always change the subject. Or like Cindy suggest -
just don't have an opinion on subjects that make you feel uncomfortable. Personally, I have always tried to stay out of the mean gossip when working in office environments. It can just turn horrible or escalate. I have found people who are quick to gossip meanly about other WILL add you to the pile eventually.
If one of them mention that so and so didn't get a promotion, it's not like you can't say:" oh well that is a shame." which is NOT gossip but a noncommital polite thing to say.
As for crap talking about their partners... I think a lot of people (men AND women) who do this wants to talk but can't bring anything more interesting to the table. So they dig through their own trash to find tidbits to share. Of course, they rather paint the SPOUSE/PARTNER with a negative brush than themselves, right?
Women DEFINITELY do this too. And men. Doesn't mean you HAVE to partake.
And there is ALWAYS the bring a book or work with you for the train ride so you don't HAVE to partake.
They sound like a couple of men who hasn't much of a life outside work and they are a bit resentful of that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 November 2017):
 I don't know, OP, aren't you by any chance being a bit too strict, too rigid ?
There's malicious gossip, spread out on the intent to damage, disparage and vilify. And then there is... banter. Shooting the breeze. Making small talk. Sure it would be more politically correct if people only talked about neutral stuff like the weather or food or fashion , and never about other people. But this is asking too much from human nature, and as long as these guys act professionally at work...
It seems they do. They are quiet,reserved, polite- and reasonably friendly to you. So, if on their ride home they want to talk about what goes on in the office and express their views about why X did not get a promotion- well, what's the big deal ? As a matter of fact, WHY they should not comment on that ? It's not classified info !, and as long as they do not , and do not, gang up on X or campaign against his promotion, ( and as long as, of course, office politics is not ALL they can talk about ! ) I think that the label of " gossipmongers " is excessive.
Ditto for badmouthing their partners; it may be less venomous than you think. For lots of people it's just banter, sort of a habit. A bad, annoying habit , I agree- but not particularly meaningful. " The old ball and chain "...And women aren't any better , you know ? Just join in a circle of married women chitchatting over coffee and you will hear a lot of merciless jokes about their husbands and see a lots of eye rolls. Which, most of the time, does not mean at all that they have an unhappy marriage. It's the equivalent of " bar talk ".
Which may be distasteful to you, I get it. But you do not have to get involved, you do not have to partecipate. You can just keep doing your thing at work, being polite, efficient, professional. Basically what you are doing now, minding your business and abstaining from giving your comments and opinions when the conversation veers toward certain subjects. As a matter of fact, with just a bit of smoothness you can change promptly subject when some things are touched upon, which you think they should not. Here's where the weather, or food, or fashion etc. come handy. Rinse and repeat a few rimes, and if they are not too thick they'll understand they have to keep their talk more neutral. If they ARE too thick- what can you do, OP ? You are not the thought , or talk, police, you can't demand that all people always shows class and discretion all the time. Let them to their " gossips " and do not take any part in them ( as you are already doing ). And if really it drives you bonkers, well, these are just work colleagues, not your dear childhood friends. You can always choose to politely ignore them, and to consort , and ride home, with different colleagues !
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A
female
reader, AskCatherine  +, writes (16 November 2017):
I think maybe their reason for the chitchat and the gossip could simply be because they are bored, or they are trying to fit in. Or it could just be another coping mechanism for their work. I would suggest to you, dont part-take in it unless you want too, be who you are, dont let anyone change you.
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